#stful

[wittyandcharming]

When a depressive downswing happens, being awake feels like you're being punished for existing.

[wittyandcharming]

This can’t keep happening. I can’t just spin out the minute I’m forced to think about my future. It’s just that it’s all I ever do and I never find any answers. It’s always this pointless cycle that I can never make anyone really understand. But *I* don’t understand how I keep failing at communicating it when it’s really so basic. It all comes from different things for different reasons and in different ways, but it’s all fear. From knowing I can’t do anything anymore. From knowing I’ve been leeched of my competence and my usefulness, my health and my strength, everything that was ever good about my brain. All of it. I can’t imagine not being sick anymore. I can’t imagine being capable again, if I ever really was. I cannot describe how closed in by fear I am all the time, and I’ve always thought I was just weak or just a shit person or something but that can’t be right, can it? That can’t be normal, how can that be normal? Does anyone else think of going out and applying for work and being so afraid you can’t keep from crying because you have to impress people? Because it doesn’t matter how sick you feel, you can’t rest or you will lose it? Because you are not qualified enough nor capable of finding something that will pay you enough to really allow you to let go of your fear? Every time? You’d think the thing I should work on would be getting a handle on the anxiety, but that won’t happen. So what I need to focus on is coming to terms with the concept of never really feeling safe or calm or able again. 

[wittyandcharming]

I hate being alive. I hate it. I hate having consciousness of any kind. All I ever feel is fear and resignation in alternating doses and I’m so tired of it. It’s never not going to feel this way and I just want it to stop.

[wittyandcharming]

Third day of the semester and my irrational and sudden spike in anxiety seems to be keepin’ right on. Sobbing fits without much warning, cyclical fear, low tolerance for interaction...I can feel the withdrawal happening again where I just shut off most avenues of communication with almost everyone I know and stay put in the silence. Earlier Carroll was attempting to initiate a political discussion by asking me what about Bernie Sanders I found worth voting for, so I told him (in summary) that its because he cares about and actually ACKNOWLEDGES issues that pertain to me and a GREAT deal of marginalized people in this country, and when I say this, he just starts off with “I couldn’t care less about that,” and I just was done. I asked him, with my face in my fucking hands, if we could please not talk about politics because my head was going to explode. And instead of just saying SURE OKAY and moving the fuck on, he starts asking me why, so I just fucking snapped at him and raised my voice and told him it was really just talking to him that I didn’t want to do, and it didn’t even feel like something I had control over, I was just saying things and it’s like I wasn’t the one saying it and I’ve been sort of avoiding everyone ever since and I’m so fucking sick of not feeling in control of ANYTHING, let alone my own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and I’m sick of feeling cornered in the house I live in and for god’s fucking sake I am so sick of talking about myself in these fucking classes NOTHING ABOUT ME IS INTERESTING OR ANYTHING I TAKE PRIDE IN PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

[wittyandcharming]

Suddenly awash with shittiness as I think about the fact that I wanted my major to be English, which I said, with my mouth and everything, and it was put down instead as Creative Writing and I only notice when I’m *this close* to graduating. Like, the biggest thing that made me go back to school was so I could do something I was proud of, or that I was at least not ashamed or embarrassed by, but when people ask my major it sticks in my mouth and I’m SO ANGRY that even when I ACTIVELY TRY to do things to help me stop hating myself as a giant massive failure, it never matters. This is a useless fucking degree and I’m so fucking tired of being useless.

[wittyandcharming]

What am I even doing here. Wasting my time and not making any money to save. It was a giant mistake to move here. When the fuck am I going to stop making those.

[wittyandcharming]

[wittyandcharming]

I really wanna play Miasmata again but it makes me ultra tense and that is the exact opposite of what I need rn, but I can’t think of a single other thing to do that I wouldn’t give up on in five seconds.