#stillunsure

[stillunsure]

[nemoori-blog]

Ok...so I couldn’t pictured it on myself, but looks pretty good on the dress form. #workstillinprogress #stillunsure #continuethisweekend https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmhec8gHsuf/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=eznjs5xiz6v7

[omaraholland]

What do I want?

*I know what I want but don’t think I should want it.*

That’s the last thing I posted. I was referring specifically to the fact that I want a regular 40hr/week job without overtime. But I need to back up a step. Just what IS that job? 

I have this belief that is completely wrong and yet I believe it. The belief is that everyone else has a clear job and career - a specific THING. So when they go out job hunting, they just look for that THING, find it and go do it. Sure, they struggle, but the struggle is that there may not be a job opening for that THING right now and they have to wait. Whereas I don’t have a THING and that is why my job hunt is so much harder. Because I don’t know my specific THING. 

And I believe that not knowing makes me a failure. 

I know that this belief is false and yet I continue to believe it. Perhaps because it allows me to continue in my deepest held belief: that there is something wrong with me. 

At any rate, my last job - the one I’ve been laid off from - was as a Production Assistant for a web-app development company. As a production assistant, I did a lot of things and I want to find a job where I can have that same level of variety. Unfortunately, Production Assistant doesn’t seem to be an industry standard job title. The closest I can find is Software Tester or QA. 

Here’s what I did in my job as Production Assistant that I’d like to do again:

* Software testing on multiple browsers using the browser console to find error codes. 

* Offline browser testing. (Yep, we made a web-app that works OFFLINE!)

* Planning and organizing for attending conference exhibits. (I don’t want to go - I just want to do the planning.) 

* How-to Videos: I wrote and recorded 7 how-to videos for a project we did and they were great to do! I’m very proud of them. I wrote the scripts, found the software, learned how to use the recording software, got the right headset for recording, learned recording tricks, learned editing and overall came up with a great product. 

* Writing user stories: at my last job, we wrote user stories which the developers used to create the software and I used to test against. To write these, I had to think of every little step that goes into navigating and using a site. I had to write stories for the “golden path” as well as stories for when users followed a different path (such as entering an incorrect password). It was fun and exhausting to think through every tiny piece of a piece of software to imagine what the user should see happening at all times. 

* Research - I can research the hell out of something. I helped the owner research new benefits companies, new accountants, conference and exhibit opportunities, the cost of attending those, PTO software, headsets for recording videos, lowest cost office supplies. 

So how do I find a job where I can do all that? Now, the issue is:

*I know what I want but don’t think I should want it and I’m not even sure how to get it when I DO convince myself that I should want it because I don’t know what it is!*

And all along in this process, I remain aware of my privilege - for I have the privilege of choice. I have this privilege because I am white, my parents have higher degrees, I have a higher degree, and I have enough savings to give me a cushion - for a short time. Yes, I have worked hard to improve my life and my education and have been wise with my money so that I have the financial cushion (and a kick-ass credit score). I also have a supportive, hardworking spouse who, like me, is frugal and smart with money. I recognize that it is my privilege that has allowed me to use my hard work and financial sense to improve my life to where it is now. 

Recognizing my privilege actually helps me remember that while I am struggling, I am struggling at a higher level. And being able to struggle at this level is a gift. I’m not worried about going hungry. I’m not even worried (yet) about losing my home. I have to remember these things to keep this all in perspective. 

Privilege plus hard work has put me in a situation that would be enviable to most people. Remembering that helps me climb a bit out of my guilt and panic pit. It helps remind me that I CAN get through this. That I WILL make the best decision I can make. That I CAN cope with the consequences of my choice. 

[emlou-design]

Evening spent plotting and planning #stillunsure

[oeleo]

9 of 365 | today I, again, proved that I am an emotional eater. I tend to eat when I'm stressed, depressed, sad. I knew what I felt about that mock exam was right. And still I expected. I was so sure that I will take this Feb. but after knowing the result, all went downhill. It felt like a boulder was dropped on me. Feels like sh*t. Does the mock really measure your knowledge and your abilities? One exam compared to a lot you've taken that proved otherwise? "Think about it," she says. "I want you to know the consequences when you choose." Now, I'm confused wether to push or just wait. This year isn't starting right. :'[ #leo365days #feelings #thoughts #mockboards #ptboardreview #StillUnsure #ThinkAboutIt

[lololittleone]

I'm not so sure what to do with myself anymore. I'd rather just sit and read while I drink tea. I don't want to worry myself with responsibilities.