Recently, I learned that I have ‘hashimoto’, during one of the most difficult times of my life, ‘hashimoto’ arrived as the icing on the cake. At first, I felt a kind of relief, yes relief, I got an answer for some previously unexplained emotions, reactions, situations. Moments where I didn't recognize myself, I didn't understand the cause of my episodes, I was finally able to explain to myself. To justify. And I believed I was in control again, I was prepared for anything. I decided, I will stand in front of my illness, I am not my illness. I will do everything in my power to be in control again. It is time to focus on myself, dedicate to myself and my health. Not illness, health. Even though I still believe in it, I say to myself every day, "I'm in control!" As time goes on, day by day, it gets harder. I feel like my mind is playing with me. My head is constantly in the fog, as if I am losing focus, my concentration is dwindling, and my day-to-day jobs are getting harder and harder. I forget little things, and I know I forget them, I close my eyes, peek into the mind, trying to remember, but nothing. If someone was to beat me for information, I still wouldn't know. These are huge trifles, because with them comes uninvited frustration, anger, sadness, a sense of impossibility. The other day, in an attempt to answer my mother's question, which I am no longer sure what it was. My response was interrupted, punctuated by the sentence: “You are overly obsessed with your illness, and I am not the only one who thinks so. Turn your mind around and stop burdening yourself unnecessarly.”. At that moment, I could feel something going on in my body, my head, again one of the uncontrollable urges that goes against everything I want and everything I'm trying to say at that moment. I try to stay strong and stalwart, to fight, to tell my truth, to explain the inexplicable state. But instead, my eyes start to fill with tears, my voice starts to tremble, and my words completely lose their strength. "What's wrong with you now, I can't look at you like that," she replies, turning her head away from me. And I see every word, It feels like a blade. Dumplings in my throat again, I want to scream, run, run. I want to regain control of myself, of my mind. I want to clear the fog in my head. It's not what people say, that’s a problem, it's a lack of control over my mind, my reaction. The problem isn’t around me, but in me. A reaction that I cannot control. Lack of free will. I am not my disease, I repeat to myself, I’m doing everything in my power to be better, to regain control. I’m doing everything right, eat right , set my mindset right, and wait, bravely, for a new day.
Original:
Od nedavno sam saznala da imam hashimoto, u jednom od najtežih perioda u mom životu, stigao je hashimoto kao šlag na tortu. Najkraće rečeno, to je bolest štitaste žlezde, i zbog hormonskog disbalansa koji izaziva, ima naporne prateće simptome, kako fizički, tako i mentalno. Kada sam dobila dijagnozu, u početku sam osetila vrstu olakšanja, da olakšanja, dobila sam odgovor za neke do tada neobjasnjive emocije, reakcije, situacije. Momente u kojima nisam prepoznavala samu sebe, nisam razumela uzrok mojih “epizoda”, napokon sam mogla da objasnim sebi. Da opravdam. I verovala sam da sam ponovo u kontroli, bila sam spremna na sve. Odlucila sam, ja ću stati ispred moje bolesti, ja nisam moja bolest. Ja ću uraditi sve sto je u mojoj moći da ponovo budem u kontroli. Vreme je da se fokusiram na sebe, da se posvetim sebi i svom zdravlju. Ne bolesti, zdravlju!I mada ja i dalje verujem u to, i ponavljam sebi svakog dana: “Ja sam u kontroli!” , kako vreme prolazi, dan za danom, to postaje sve teze. Imam osecaj kao da se moj um poigrava sa mnom. Glava je konstantno u magli, kao da gubim fokus, koncentracija opada, i svakodnevni poslovi postaju tezi i tezi. Zaboravljam sitnice, i znam da ih zaboravljam, zatvorim oči, zavirim u um, tražim, ali ništa. Da me tuku za informacije, i dalje ne bih znala. To su ogromne sitnice, jer prateći izazivaju nepozvanu frustraciju, bes, tugu, osecaj nemogućnosti. U pokušaju da odgovorim majci na pitanje, koje više nisam sigurna ni kako je glasilo. Moj odgovor je bio prekinut, sasecen recenicom: “Ti se previše opterecujes oko svoje bolesti, i nisam jedina koja to misli. Preokreni svoje misli i prestani da se opterecujes.” Kako to lepo zvuci, zar ne? Kad bi samo bilo tako lako. U tom trenutku, knedla, osećam kako se nešto dešava u mome telu, glavi, opet jedan od nekontrolisanih nagona koji ide protiv svega sto ja želim i sto pokušavam da kažem u tom momentu. Pokušavam da ostanem jaka i stalozena, da se borim, da kažem svoju istinu, objasnim neobjašnjivo stanje. Ali umesto toga, oči krecu da ispunjavaju suze, glas kreće da podrhtuje, i moje reci borbe, potpuno gube snagu. “Šta ti je sad, ne mogu da te gledam takvu.”, odgovara ona, okretajuci glavu od mene. A ja svaku reč vidim, osetim kao oštricu. Opet knedla u grlu, želim da vristim, da trčim, da bežim. Želim da povratim kontrolu nad sobom, nad svojim umom. Želim da razbistrim maglu u svojoj glavi. Nisu tudje reci moj problem, već nedostatak kontrole nad svojim umom, svojom reakcijom. Nisu problem oni oko mene, već kako ja to čujem. Reakcija koju ja ne mogu da kontrolišem. Nedostatak slobodne volje. Ja nisam moja bolest, ponavljam sebi po ko zna koji put, radeći sve sto je u mojoj moći da budem bolje, da povratim kontrolu. Radim sve ispravno, ispravno se hranim, ispravno se krećem, ispravno se postavljam, i čekam, hrabro, novi dan.