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@pausedbrains @stoikos
i know im the last person you want to hear from today but. i uh. i dont.
i dont want to leave this... whatever this is, on a bad note. i just want to clarify some things. you dont have to respond to me by any means i just... i just want to make sure ive made my point clear.
damara has very obviously contacted you about me. shes not lying.
i never wanted to do anything to hurt you. i never wanted to leave, i never wanted to make you guys worry about me, i never wanted to make things got he way that they have. hell, at this point i dont even care about what ive been teaching myself to not do.
i fucking adore you guys. i think youre the greatest people in the world. i think that no one else is better for either of you save each other and i was so happy to hear that you guys had gotten together, settled down. i mean, sure, there was a fleeting moment of jealousy, but it was just that. fleeting. i knew you guys love each other and thats... thats all i ever wanted. i wanted you guys to be happy, be loved. i wanted to see you guys smile. i wanted to be a source of joy but all ive ever done is worry you two. all ive ever done is be a nuisance. im not even hating myself like usual i just know. after all, kings expressed that ive constantly made the two of you stress out and worry.
but even if you guys are starting to dislike or even hate me to a point of not talking to me anymore i. i still think of you as my brothers. you wanted me to be happy. you were there for me when i thought no one else was, you cheered me up and made everything brighter when everything seemed so dull and lifeless. you guys are like, the reason im still fuckin alive. but i guess... i guess thats not enough.
for what its worth, i really do love the both of you like family. im just. im.
im scared.
im scared that im going to die and i wont do anything for me. i wont do anything that makes me happy that i did for myself. im scared that im going to lose you all. im scared that my last days will be nothing but nonstop fighting and arguing about something i cant--couldnt change, before all this. im scared that im going to lose everyone because i cant suck it up and admit to the things ive done wrong, the things ive said, the things ive excused that are inexcusable. but you know something?
im trying.
ive never been good at being a friend. ive never been good at letting people know whats on my mind. ive never been good at keeping family as family. ive never been good with being empathetic. ive never been good with being nice. ive never been good with being understanding. ive never been good at taking care of myself. ive never been good at making my friends and family happy. ive never been good at making sure things are good--maybe not if everythings going to plan but things are going well. ive never been good at being me--not the person im supposed to be.
but im TRYING.
im trying to become a better person. im trying to get better with letting people know when things arent going well. im trying to get better as an individual because i want everyone around me to be happy. im trying to get better because i want to be happy. i want to be happy, preferably, with the two of you included but if that cant be, if you guys dont want to try with me, then... then i guess... i cant force you to do anything you dont want to.
i just want you both to know that... that i...
i love you.
i have, since we first spoke.
i just never wanted to admit it.
maybe nows not the best time to do that, but its now or never and i dont want to have any regrets when i finally do leave. i dont want to think ‘oh i couldve did something better, to fix that, to right my wrong’ when things are all going to shit around me. i dont want to dwell on the past because i was too scared to say anything to anyone. because... well. the next time i leave will more than likely be the last time.
... im sorry.
