Fancy Friday {and a case of the Mondays}
Hey! It’s Friday. {Praise the Jackson5} At Casa la Pape, #fancyfriday is my favorite of days, as it brings about more than a few of my favorite things:
*The Weekend! Two full days with my favorite human slash wonderful husband? Yes please.
*Friday Dinner: a meal that has become a therapeutically relevant event and safe way to reintroduce normalcy with food into my life. Once per week I challenge myself to cook a full meal, without guilt or nutrition measurement (something I struggle with) and with as many frills and fancies and we see fit (bring out the fine china for those blueberry pancakes, trust me- they’ll taste better).
*Movie Marathons: a friday tradition; bc “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” was meant to be watched at regular intervals. Fact.
*Saturday Cleaning: when you live in a world where your compulsions and control have been ripped away from you, you start to hold on to any traditions or semblance of schedule that you can.
Today however, is not a particularly exciting Friday. Like many days of the past 22 weeks (and really the past 1.5 years), I woke up with intense stomach pains, a pounding migraine, and an unholy level of dehydration. To speak to the latter point- Ana and recovery have turned my body into something akin to a cactus/sponge hybrid: a being with an unquenchable thirst and skin that could be sold as a handbag. {{glamorous}}
The migraines are a staple consequence of a chronic lack of sleep caused by stress-induced insomnia, something that I have had to deal with off and on since fetus-status. It’s just a thing, albeit incredibly annoying. (Also, it doesn’t help the skin situation.)
My worst cause for worry however, are the stomach pains that have rendered me nigh un-moveable many times over the past few months. One lesser-known affectation of eating disorders is GI distress, which can manifest in different forms. My personal experience has been with GERD, gastritis, and GI ulcers (both peptic/stomach, and duodenal/intestinal).
GERD is basically acid reflux. {heartburn Major}To say that it is annoying is to put it lightly, but anything else would be an overstatement. It does cause my chest to hurt and my right arm to go to sleep on occasion. That really IS annoying. And painful.
Gastritis is an inflammation of the stomach lining. This pulls together the other issues and is part of the bigger problem/nuisance- the ulcers. Gi ulcers are no fun- I would caution you to take my word on this one. I’m not a scientist, so my basic understanding of the whys, what’s, and how’s generally boil down to my personal experiences: ulcers mean stomach pain, cramps, more heartburn and bloating. Mmm…. fun for days….
So, {as I take off my sardonic scientist hat and place that aside} to come to my point of conversation today- waking up to this grab bag of symptoms is not a new thing; It is my current state of being. Yesterday I woke to a throbbing jaw from my current teeth troubles and lower back pains thanks to osteopenia/ bird bones. But back to the point…
As I sat listening to the CNA at the urgicare clinic late this morning, knowing full well that he was re-telling me what I’ve heard 10 times over: ulcer flaring up, need to watch acid, take omeprazole, less coffee, no spicy, clear liquids for a few days, drink this gi cocktail, Yada Yada- I began to entertain my usual pity party-“woe is me” thoughts…. My body is falling apart, I might as well just throw in the towel and be sick. I’m GOOD at sick.
Somebody smack this girl right upside the head.
Seriously?? There are people dieing in the world right now from cancer, starvation, a lack of proper healthcare…… and I’m crying over stomach pains and the fact that I have to take another round of Prilosec because I starved myself for a year- again?? Can I get a mirror because I really need to look this monster in the face and tell her a few things….. This was my thought process during my entire visit, extending into the drive home and flop down in dismay into the couch.
Ok, but wait a second. What is berating myself about this really going to do? How am I helping anyone, much less myself- by continuing the cycle of self hatred? It is times like this when I really feel like I am getting through to myself: when I am strong enough to stop and think- really THINK about my thoughts and their ramifications. Am I really a sniveling, selfish victim with little hope and a heap of righteous shame? Or am I woman with an illness and a real set of pains? The answer is: both. And neither.
I have an illness: an illness that carries physical complications that are at times annoying and at others life threatening- they don’t have to be one or the other. In February, at 96 lbs and a bmi (yes, I know bmi isn’t the answer, it’s just a measurement people) of 14.6, my illness was acutely dangerous and very well could have brought on a stroke or MI {thankfully I was spared here}. Now, at 135 lbs and a healthy bmi, I am still struggling with the physical effects of this disease in many different (some lesser, some more dangerous) ways.
This is, at the root, a mental illness. As I have said many times, anorexia can be a most selflessly selfish disease. Like most humans, I am bound by my experiences and stimuli. So yes, I often forget that there are many, MANY people in the world who are suffering beyond anything I have ever experienced, a thought that is extremely humbling, and rightfully so. This is where someone might say: “just eat a cheeseburger and get over it,” and at a very basic (and judgmental and uneducated and cruel) level, they might have a point. However, my ogre-onion self doesn’t have time to listen to these negative thoughts, because I have enough of them floating around in my brain to last a lifetime, thanks ever so much. I get it- it could always be worse.
My point here is tied to a post that I stole from my cousins fb a few days back which I then shared on Instagram. A picture of a girl was imposed with this phrase:
“I never thought I was a bully, until I listened to how I speak to myself. I think I owe myself an apology”
It is ok to be upset about stomach pains. It is ok to need help and to be weak. It is ok to want to be better and feel better, even when I miss being weak.
It is NOT ok to belittle myself or others with my personal thoughts and actions. It is not ok to make assumptions about my or another person’s wellbeing based on my understanding of what is going on physically or emotionally. It is not ok to hate myself for feeling weak, because I am not my own to hate, and hate does not heal anyone.
And so, my friends, this Friday is going to be fancy- even if I have to drink chicken broth and ensure out of my ostentatious first-world bowl tonight for dinner and dine on gi cocktails and tums for dessert. #tgif.
