How Dean Winchester would have come out of the closet (part one)
He was probably just standing in line somewhere, probably at some gas station, and there’s this dude, right?
And Dean’s friendly, so when dude starts talking to him, and he turns out to be pretty funny and nice and cool, why the fuck not talk back?
And he goes to leave and dude catches up with him and he asks for his phone number. And Dean realizes... oh wait, dude has been flirting.
#sorry, man #whoops #don’t swing that way #you’re awesome though
And it happens a few times over the years, and he doesn’t care, he’s comfortable, they’re awesome, maybe he enjoys the attention, alright? He didn’t realize how often it could happen. It sneaks up on him sometimes
Then one day A+ Parenting John Winchester says something homophobic. Like really homophobic. And Dean’s like #wow #okay #those dudes were awesome though but okay
And he starts to feel uncomfortable when it happens again. And maybe he’s a little harsh, then maybe he feels a little bad at the look on the dude’s face. So maybe when it happens again, he makes sure not to be harsh. And maybe he just double checks his dad ain’t around when it happens, because his dad is awesome and those guys are awesome and there’s no reason to create a not awesome situation
and if something pops into his mind while he’s getting off, well. first off, imagining a hetero fantasy means there are guys there too, and just the fact that dudes hit on him plants a seed, so it’s just crossing wires, alright? that’s it.
Well, some time passes. His dad’s his dad, his brother’s his brother, Dad goes missing, and it’s #hiya sammy #so #dad hasn’t been home in a few days
And he says something one day, doesn’t really think about, it was just a joke, and Sam's all #wow #why not just tattoo no homo on your forehead Because Sam has friends in the community and that shit just doesn’t fly with him. And Dean’s all #yo i’m cool with the rainbow And sam’s all #then why use gay as an all-purpose insult And Dean’s like #sensitive much?
But he recognizes that’s a thing for Sam, and he watches what he says
And he realizes that those little situations? the ones his dad never passed up on? just those little small things? Yeah, it actually feels nice letting them pass, not saying anything, not using those comments
And he starts to wonder what the point of those comments was if not just plain humor, and that, well, maybe, those comments weren’t actually very humorous.
And maybe it’s kind of nice hanging with Sammy instead of Dad. Sam may roll his eyes and makes sarcastic remarks and tells Dean he wishes he wouldn’t with some of his behavior - but he wishes Dean wouldn’t just because it annoyed Sam or maybe made them late or something like that. Not because of... whatever. Maybe it was refreshing.
#missed ya sammy #even if you are having weird psychic shit going on
Then
And his dad is dead
It’s Dean’s fault. Dean is why he’s dead. God, what an awful son he’s been. God, what an awful son he is. And god it hurts.
Life goes on like it has to. He has Sammy to protect or maybe have to kill. People to save. Monsters to hunt.
He just doesn’t understand why every time he thinks about all those awesome dudes who took the time to flirt and hit on him make him wince now. He doesn’t like to think about them. He doesn’t know why just the memories make him feel like a worse son. He doesn’t like it, he wants to punch something, and god help the next dude to hit on him because will fucking hit him
And besides, the other half of him argues, there is so much more important shit to think about than who once hit on him. The fucking shit that monster said in the psychiatric hospital is looping in his head, Sammy is possessed, they have to be arrested and go to jail for a hunt, and let’s not forget the Sammy-being-targeted-by-the-demon-who-killed-their-mom thing, and
Sam died. Dean sold his soul to get him back because he’s pretty sure Sammy went to hell with the whole demon targeting him thing. Now he’s got one year to live.
Fan-fucking-tastic
And Sam thinks he can save him, but he can’t be saved, and he doesn’t want to be saved, and their dad’s in hell, why not just go join him? Dad sold his soul for him, he sold his soul for Sammy, they’ll crack open a can of self-pity and just hang out
But he still has to live a year, right? So, he decides to live a year. It’ll be a good year. He goes all out - they have Christmas even - and so, maybe, there was this one night
He’s at the bar, like he does, there’s this guy, and he’s cool, and they start talking. And the guy steps a little closer, and Dean sees what this is, and he steps back, feels a little awkward, thinks of his dad, but then dude just smiles and backs off, and Dean’s disappointed.
So he goes out another night maybe, and there’s this guy, right? And he’s having a hard night, maybe, and Dean sees the signs of self-pity, #hello #queued for self-pity in hell
One thing leads to another, and the next thing Dean knows, he’s outside the bar, making sure dude has a cab home, and telling the dude #you are hot don’t worry #fucker missed his chance #any guy would be lucky to have you #you’re amazing and you’re awesome and you’re better off without him
And it’s not until dude is gone that Dean gets uncomfortable again. Because... well no. He’s drunk. Been drinking. Not like he meant it.
But then the morning comes, and he thinks about it, and he’s surprised how he thinks about it. Because he thinks, he hopes dude remembers. Not him, but what he told him, hoping dude won’t be so down on himself. Then he thinks, why? Then he thinks...
Well, pffft. Dude was hot, okay?! Dude was super hot, and charming, and sweet, and actually really great, and Dean really did mean what he said. That’s fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing when someone is a great person, and there’s nothing wrong with recognizing when someone of the same gender has got it going on, alright?
Yeah.
Yeah!
YEAH
Exactly that.
#god dude was hot
And, well, maybe that’s a little freeing? He misses his dad, god does he misses his dad, but you know what? Sammy’s right, there were just some things their dad didn’t understand, and that’s one of them. He means, not that his dad couldn’t appreciate someone, but he was set in his ways. He was rough, had other things or whatever
And it is freeing. Dean can appreciate how someone looks! Dude! Those dudes? Some of those dudes work hard on their body. Why the fuck not recognize that? And some others? They don’t see it. They don’t realize what they have - that they’re beautiful fit. Dean sees them. He always saw them.
If he said anything, they might get the wrong idea #don’t swing that way but duuude, thanks! #you’re awsome #you’re hot
But isn’t it just feeding into their false ideas of themselves if he doesn’t appreciate it?
Yeah
#i’m a saint
And yes, it is freeing, because things start to change in his life that he didn’t expect, and isn’t that what you want before you die?
Like Sam’s hair shit. Sam’s weird about his hair, okay, fine, you do you, but it’s nice, actually, to tease his brother with #you’re such a girl Rather than #you’re so gay.
He doesn’t know why. It just is.
He relaxes. It’s whatever. It’s fine. And Sam is just behind the Dean-train when he frowns, or gives Dean a look, or when he’s all #stop checking out the watiress And Dean’s like #who And Sam’s #what And Dean’s #oh. no. not her. And Sam’s just like #i...
Because he's just not used to Dean’s new general #appreciate people #they deserve it #i’m gonna be in hell sammy let me appreciate people Kinda thing
That’s all
Besides, aren’t there more important things to think about?
Which comes slapping Dean in the face when -