#straightdudes

[panicatmalfoysmanor-blog]

Straight dude: I love girls! They’re so hot, yo.

Straight dude’s straight pal: Yes, bro. We’re out here making ladies.

Me, a lesbian: I’ve dated more women than you have.

Straight dude: Yeah, because you’re gay.

Me: Uh, obviously.

Straight dude’s straight pal: Yeah, so that doesn’t count.

Me: *???*

[supersassypants]

You’re sooo straight (and no I won’t clean your bathroom)

Oh men. Strike that. Oh straight men. How you befuddle me with your style sense. This post is all about the guys who use photos in their profiles without taking into account any consideration of the milieu in which they are in. Don’t they know they can Bokeh that shit out? 

It goes without saying that the role of “Dude’s friend” above is played by another straight man. Straight men of the dating sites, you should all have at least one gay friend with whom you can consult before you go posting photos online in an attempt to attract women. It would help you considerably.

Yes you can remove clothing in an attempt to distract us, but women aren’t as simple as that. Unlike you, we notice things besides nakedness. I guess you could call it multi-tasking or just being able to control our id impulses. Don’t worry though, we women all know it’s beyond you straight men to do that too so we try to give you a pass. But dammit sometimes it’s just too much and we must look away to save ourselves. 

IF YOU TAKE AWAY NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS POST, KNOW THIS: DON’T EVER USE A PHOTO WITH A TOILET IN IT. I can’t believe I had to say that, but I apparently do. But hey, at least the toilet seats are down in the above photos, amiright? That’s something. 

There’s also the men with “eclectic” taste, let’s call it. These are the guys who don’t know there’s such a thing as aesthetics, and they don’t give a damn if you judge them. I sort of respect that. But I would never, ever date that. 

Now I must go give my eyes a Silkwood shower while repeating “beautiful unicorns love rainbows” to counter this powerful display of straight male-ness I’ve just been subjected to. Ta-ta and ta-ra!