I’m so sorry to have been gone for this long, but I’m here to announce that I’m back baby! It’s kinda funny how dwelling on your divorce and dealing with the fact that your ex-husband has immediately jumped into a serious relationship with a woman without missing a beat can really eat up a lot of your free time. And it hasn’t helped that I've been dating emotionally unavailable men like it’s my job -- one of whom not only toyed with my heart but also stomped on it for a bit for good measure. That’s been my last year in a nutshell folks. We’re all caught up.
But enough about me, let’s jump right in shall we? Because bad dating profiles don’t take an extended mental health vacations, even if we do.
Before I do that, though, I need to rant about texting with the opposite sex. What is it about texting that is so difficult for them and why are they so bad at it? If you can talk to people in the flesh you should be able to use that same skill in a written format, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. For example:
Me: Hey, how’s your weekend going? Have any fun plans?
And that’s it. No “what are you doing?” or “just chillin, painting my fingernails and putting on my stage makeup.” I mean, give me something to work with here, man, throw me a bone. I don’t want a paragraph, but surely there’s a happy medium here.
And I know I’m about to break all the rules right now, but I can’t stand the “good morning/good night” texts.
Me: (grrr...don’t fucking call me babe) “Good morning :)”
These are dead end texts. Dead end texts are the equivalent of someone in real life replying to your question of “Hi, how are you?” with a “Good,” and not having the social skills to know that now you ask them how they are. This is conversation 101, people. At least have the courtesy to pretend you give a shit because I have just done that for you. Honestly this may be what’s wrong with America today.
However I reserve the most animus toward the texters of “hiiiii” or “heyyyy.” Um, yes, hi? What do you want? Why must you be slutty with your vowels? (Y’s are sometimes vowels, just sayin’). What purpose does that serve? If you’re trying to convey something to me here it’s totally lost, and all I end up doing is trying to figure out if or how I’m supposed to reply. This kind of text is basically a non-text. It’s like putting in the very least amount of effort possible into the task of texting, which in itself is the laziest form of communication there is. It’s the slob’s slob of texting. But what do I do? I sit and stare at that message on my phone for an inordinately long amount of time trying to figure out what that “hi” with 5 i’s really means. Fun fact: did you know if you google “meaning of the number of i’s in a hiiiiiii text” you will find a whole slew of (probably) intelligent women basically asking the internet what “hi” means, and the internet replies that 5 i’s (he totes wants to hook up) are definitely better than 4 (he just thinks you’re kinda cute). Here’s how the internet should reply: when encountering a “hi” or a “hey” with extraneous vowels attached, one must promptly hit “block” and move on with one’s life. The end.
I could write a whole post about the way some people (not just guys) put a space between the last letter of a sentence and the end punctuation, like this: “What you doing ?” or “Let’s get tacos .” WTF is that? Why is this a thing now? I’ve also seen this: “I m going to bed. I ll text u tomorrow.” Is it really so hard to put an apostrophe in that empty space? It’s the asinine stuff like this that I fixate on and I can’t let it go. No joke.
And now I’d like to direct this last paragraph to all the guys who take the liberty of calling me “babe,” especially the ones who do so right away in the text convo. I know you think you’re being all suave or alpha by being so familiar with me so soon. But the truth is you haven’t earned the right to pet name me yet, and if you call me “babe” within the first few lines of text you likely never will.
Aaahhh, that feels better. And yes, I do realize I was just promiscuous with both a vowel AND a consonant. I am self aware.
I promise I’ll be back soon with male dating profiles behaving badly. Until next time dahlings, ttfn.
izzy806
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
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