i remember it all ; bts
track playing ; all too well (10 minute version) by taylor swift
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'cause there we are again on that little town street
you almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me
wind in my hair, i was there
i remember it all too well.
taehyung was a distracted kind of lover. i could still see him staring at me and mouthing "i love you" every two seconds making me blush & giggle as i told him to stop and focus on the road. i wish everything could've been like that moment, simple little things that could give me a smile to remember everything without a broken heart. no matter what happened, all came crashing down for us like a spiral of endless catastrophic moments. i was hoping he would come back but at the same time i didn't want him to come through the door at all.
"if this is what you want then fine, leave! but please don't think i will fix you once you come back," i said and all i could feel was his glare piercing through me like a thousand bullets.
"then i won't, you won't ever see me again (y/n)!" he said and i knew that's when i lost him for good or for bad i didn't know yet but all i felt was pain at that moment in time. nothing would ever make me forget of sleepless nights, endless car rides & sweet little "i love you's"
'til we were dead and gone and buried
check the pulse and come back swearing, it's the same
after three months in the grave
and then you wonder where it went to
as I reached for you, but all i felt was shame
and you held my lifeless frame.
yoongi simply wasn't there. he was like a ghost in this relationship, well that's at least what i called it. i don't know how he felt or what i was to him. i just know that i tried my damn hardest to make it work, to be the good significant other that he desired but nothing ever seemed to work out. nothing was enough or everything was too much, not enough love, too much affection, not enough words, too many actions. i broke down in the middle of the night as he held me and tried to calm me down but i couldn't even bring myself to care.
"we will find a solution to this won't we?" i said with a hopeful, false smile invading my face as i tried to get an answer. some kind of sign that this was worth fighting for.
"i honestly don't know and to be honest (y/n) i don't know if i care enough," there it was, the breaking point. the fall from grace, the erased memories that he somehow brushed over with all the things i tried doing for him. nothing was enough like i said and everything suffocated him too much.
'cause there we are again in the middle of the night
we're dancin' 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
down the stairs, i was there
i remember it all too well
hoseok loved to make up excuses. it was this or that, black or white, golden or buried in the ground like our love had been for as long as i could remember. even if we did have our moments where we could be with each other & feel that burning love that i desired so much, it wasn't enough and we both knew the end was coming near us, creeping in on us. i found myself slow dancing with him in the middle of the kitchen and with no light except for the one coming from the refrigerator, enjoying the sound of his heartbeat.
"i love you with all my heart (y/n)," he whispered and if it would've been at the beginning of our relationship i would've believed every single word but i knew who he was, i knew him like the back of my hand.
"let's just stay like this for a little longer," i mumbled sleepily and stupidly. this wouldn't fix anything, no wounds would patch themselves up for one magic moment but i knew the clock was ticking. this wouldn't last much longer as my tears fell from my face and nothing else was said during that night.
well, maybe we got lost in translation
maybe I asked for too much
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
'til you tore it all up
running scared, i was there
i remember it all too well.
jungkook didn't know what he wanted. it was tearing us apart slowly & building itself up like a wall between us. he and i had been in a long lasting relationship until suddenly his feelings faded away with the wind and i was left holding on to nothing while in the middle of a cliff. i thought he would hold my hand forever, whisper sweet nothings to my ear and play video games with me even though i was terrible at it. but as i found myself looking at him with no spark in his eyes, i knew it was over for me, for him, for both of us.
"i'm sorry to do this (y/n)," he said but no regret was felt in his voice and all i could do was choke on a sob as i ran away from him.
he wasn't gonna chase me, i knew he would just stand there like a statue without knowing what to do. but this time it hurt the most 'cause i wasn't gonna see him again begging for forgiveness in our living room, i would have to get used to the presence of jungkook being gone from my life.
and you call me up again
just to break me like a promise
so casually cruel in the name of being honest
i'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'cause i remember it all, all, all.
jimin was done with me before i knew it. a damn phone call was gonna be the thing that was gonna end me and cancel out all my feelings that ever appeared for him. it wasn't even the first time he did this, he loved to play tricks on me, in my mind, how delusional could i have been? to go for a second, a third chance even. what was i expecting from him? to change? i didn't even know at that point and i couldn't bother myself to think of the possibility of what could have been.
"it's not you obviously but i think we both need to move on," he said calmly while all hell broke loose for me and before i could answer, he hanged up. he hated fighting, hated my comebacks, hated that i was right that he couldn't just do this to me but there was no us anymore. it was just me fighting for myself as the sobs escaped from my body and i found myself hugging my knees.
"i feel so stupid," i whispered to myself as i tried to stop the tears but there was no way to do so as i poured my heart out for a man who didn't care.
they say: all's well that ends well
but i'm in the new hell every time
you double-cross my mind
you said if we had been closer in age
maybe it would have been fine
and that made me want to die.
seokjin's love was a permanent scar on my skin. the age difference wasn't a big deal until it became a joke around his friends & family, he would laugh along but i didn't find it funny. then he wouldn't find it funny either when he realized that it was gonna be our deal breaker, that i was too immature for someone like him, that i wasn't up to those mature standards and that i wasn't thinking of the future, no wedding, no kids for now and he just wanted everything that someone his age would ideally want.
"i don't think you understand, we were not meant for each other! we were both blinded by something that never existed," he tried explaining to me as i crossed my arms not believing his bullshit. i had to walk out of the apartment and rethink everything that happened, that got us to that point in particular. i didn't know that when i would go back every single one of my things would be packed and there would be a note saying "i'm sorry but this won't work out"
you, who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
sipping coffee like you were on a late night show
but then he watched me watch the front door all night
willing you to come
and he said: it's supposed to be fun turning 21
namjoon never showed up. i waited & waited but nothing happened and this wasn't even the first time that this happened. all my text messages weren't even appearing like they were read from him, all my calls would go straight to voicemail until it was already midnight and the millions of apologies and excuses showed up at me through the phone but not even at my door. i had it all planned out with my family and it was going to be perfect but it was all gone now, the candles were off and my dad was there to console me through the whole night.
"i didn't even notice the day it was (y/n) please i'm so sorry," he begged and that's when i decided to be the one who would turn off my phone. i've had enough lies, i've had enough of waiting around and had enough of him. but apparently my heart was still holding on as the tears wouldn't stop falling from my face, trying to collect myself as i looked at my dad again.
"i think i'll go home now," i said, not knowing if there was a home waiting for me in the first place and most likely knowing he wouldn't be there at all.