you have a crush on him but he's with someone else ; bts
| gender neutral reader ; angst |
a / n: thank you for all the love & support you give my reactions, means the absolute world to me
seokjin โฆ
it was the perfect time but it suddenly was washed away with pure pain & heartbreak
seeing someone else stand next to him brought out the worst in you but you hid it under a fake smile
a hug was all you could give him when you needed so much more
but you knew better than that and you hoped in the end that happiness was all that he was receiving
the introduction was subtle and as soon as the words "significant other" were said, it felt like a punch in the throat
you wished so badly for so many years that seokjin would look at you with adoring eyes
it was all left in the dust after that night
yoongi โฆ
this was worse than being rejected
you didn't even get to experience him saying "no", you were just replaced without a chance to show your love
the unconditional love that you had for yoongi that made you feel so high was now bringing you basement low
the love in their eyes as they spoke about each other, it was all too much and yet you were feeling numb
numb because you thought you had a chance, numb because you didn't confess in time
you excused yourself out of the room as the tears started to roll down your face
no spot was being taken from you 'cause you never had it in the first place
hoseok โฆ
god you adored how happy he looked and how bright he seemed, over the clouds even as he looked at them
but it was like twisting the knife in your heart slowly as they kissed and shared little laughs
hoseok was your first love, your first crush and you wanted him to be your first everything
but never got to say those simple words to him and now it was an instant to late to do so
you cared more about him and his well being than your stupid crush
but it wasn't so stupid anymore
as you felt like everything crashed down within you and that stupid crush was realizing you fell in love with someone taken
namjoon โฆ
how could he not find someone? it was impossible to not love kim namjoon you thought
they were perfect for him in every way, shape or form and you couldn't help but compare yourself
it made everything so much worse and it broke you into millions of pieces
this is what you were stuck being : the best friend who had his back when he would get heartbroken
but it seemed like they were two pieces of a puzzle that would last for eternity and the fact that you might never get to tell him how you felt scared you
you were not going to ruin his relationship because of your feelings
you would just have to get used to being the second choice
jimin โฆ
the way they held jimin in their arms as you talked to them made you want to leave immediately
it was making you feel so uncomfortable and out of place or it might be just exaggeration
but at that moment it felt like it was on purpose like they were mocking you
your stupid crush on jimin maybe was obvious to everyone and this was just a heavy prank that you were being put against
that's when you took your things and left to everyone's confusion and jimin's shock
but feelings were too much and everything was messing with your head like a game
taehyung โฆ
you were trapped in a cell while everyone including jimin moved on but you didn't, you just stayed there waiting for him when you knew he wasn't gonna release you
he looked so happy to be telling you that he found someone and as soon as you saw them, it all felt unreal
you had your confession letter in your bag 'cause you wanted him to knew how you felt
but then his hands around their waist and the dreamy look in his eyes as they watched them happened
and you were frozen, trying to not stutter your words as you introduced yourself
the best friend you were, from childhood but that's what you were the best friend only
the one who had a crush on him since five years old and never ever got into a relationship, saving everything for him
but here you guys were in the complete opposite scenario and your trembling hands were destroying the letter as you threw into the trash when you left
jungkook โฆ
this was the worst possible way to confess
just seeing him make out with them and the suddenly stopping when they see you and just smiling awkwardly
you just smiled and introduced yourself but inside everything was telling you to run the fuck away
and that you did as soon as you could
the cascade of tears were blurring your vision as you tried to walk back home
thinking you weren't good enough for the one you loved and all the insecurities came rushing back like an ocean
this really felt just like a bad ending of a movie
jungkook dials your number he usually does this in the middle of the night knowing that you will pick up
it makes him feel kind of guilty for doing this but you told him countless of times that you didn't mind
venting towards you is a way to cope with his stress
he tries his best to let everything out at once with no pauses so that he makes it short for you
it leaves him feeling empty like every word was thrown away so quickly
like he's going to be judged for feeling the way he does
that obviously doesn't happen
you know how to comfort him but the best you do is your will to listen to him
you remember every detail that jungkook just threw at you
that amazing memory & care is what makes jungkook's heart beat faster
it's like you know exactly how to make him feel better
it's a long distance hug
if only he could close the distance gap
so butterfly, can you read my mind?
been struggling again, so
i came to find the wings you use to fly away
i wanna borrow them someday
taehyung calls whenever he has a break
it's when he feels the most bummed
he doesn't rant
he throws different sentences and you pick up the pieces of what his mind is doing
he feels like he's letting others down
like he's giving it his all but it's not enough
it's simply not true
popping up that bubble thought is hard
he really starts to believe himself but that's when you take his hand (metaphorically)
reassuring him that everyone around him knows how hard he works and how much he does for the group
the boys wouldn't like to see him struggle like this
with thoughts that are incorrect and quite literally everyone believes in him
that's what these conversations with you give him
more strength to push forward and believe in himself once again
'cause i've been fighting all the time
i'm kinda feeling dead inside
but you, you believe me
jimin calls when the world's getting the best of him
when the stress & the holding on to no one around him is messing with his head
he doesn't talk regularly about how he feels but with you it feels so easy and he doesn't waste his chance to let the tears flow as he speaks
it breaks your heart to hear him and how down he puts himself
how he seems to think that he's bringing everyone down by mistakes that weren't even there in the first place
you're not there with him but you know he tends to make things a bigger deal sometimes when they're small details
it's hard not to do that when your head is fighting your body & your heart
you calm him down, give him time to think, to process what actually happened and to talk it out with the boys
they would never be mad at him over anything and mistakes can happen even if it's a lyric or a choreography gone wrong, you're sure they'll understand
jimin feels like a weight is off his chest when talking to you
he didn't wanna fight anymore, he wanted to pull through
and he was going to 'cause you believed in him like nobody else did
and when i'm feeling down
you're always around
and you remind me how
real growth takes time
namjoon doesn't have a time to call but when he does he always calls you
being a leader can lead to an amount of exhausting requests that make his mind go crazy
he never takes time for himself, he's always busy trying to drown himself in work that sometimes isn't even that important
but to him his job is everything and he didn't wanna lose that
today wasn't a particularly good call since he felt like crying and breaking the stuff around him but as soon as he heard your reassuring voice, he just sat there
he just sat there listening to you, to your comforting whispers through the phone
how he needs to take time to process what he was doing
he was an amazing leader but everyone around him would want him to take care of himself, of his mental health
he feels so lucky to have you in his life
to be able to have someone who sees him as much more than just bts' leader
to love him unconditionally for being namjoon and just namjoon
and when i'm feeling low
i see you and i know
still got a way to go
real growth takes time
butterfly
hoseok takes his time when he needs to call you
he wants everything to be perfect but today when he wasn't feeling the most perfect at all, he couldn't put an effort
when you pick up and hear the tone of his voice, you know exactly what he's gonna say and what the rants are gonna be about
it's about feeling left out & out of place
when he's with you it feels like you two fit together like pieces in a puzzle but being so far away now, it complicated things for him
it simply felt like he was trying to follow a group dynamic that wasn't built for him anywhere except with the boys
sometimes he found himself crying over the fact that he couldn't seem to find a group of people that wanted him there
you knew clearly that hobi was insecure about something that he was only feeling cus you talked to everyone around him and you knew that having him in any room lit it up
you were gonna be there to listen to him and tell him the truth and that is that he was being listened to and adored by everyone cus you simply cannot hate him
you missed him like hell but you knew he was in good hands
and that brought a smile to his face and some unexpected tears
he felt on top of the world with such a supporting s.o.
butterfly, sit by my side
'cause lately i've been falling
from heights and i'm terrified
i'm always gonna feel like this
yoongi wasn't one for calls but he loved hearing your voice
specially right now when things seemed to be going downhill
he didn't express himself the best way but you still caught glimpses of what was going on in his head
how he was exhausted beyond words and how sometimes his mind was left blank, no ideas, no thoughts, just zero inspiration
he felt bad saying those things when he had the most beautiful muse by his side but the tiredness in his body was making him give up on everything
if you could you would be at his studio right now dragging him but as far away as you guys were, you couldn't and you knew the boys were just as exhausted as he is
you told him that he didn't need to be doing work 24/7, he didn't need to be inspired because the inspiration comes from different places and he was gonna find it
he couldn't sit around and hope for things to get to him
those would find it's way naturally to him and to those amazing lyrics he always wrote, to those beats that he produced, to everything he did
yoongi felt the tears run down his face as he listened to you
you knew exactly what to say all the time
that might be why he loves you the most and why he feels invincible with you
how did you learn to trust that
you'll become what you are destined to?
'cause i can't seem to find a way to get out of my bed today
but you
yeah, you believe in me
seokjin find it hard these days to call but when he did, it was because he really needed you by his side
it wasn't going well for him, it was hard to get out of bed and to make things possible for him to be excited about
he felt as if everything around him was changing constantly and he was so lost
everything moved on so fast and he was getting older and more self conscious of what he was becoming
he didn't know where to go or how to ask for help about this
you listened to every word as he ranted about everything & nothing but understanding exactly what he meant, you've been feeling it too
that sense of change in your relationship, with your friends and you told this to him
that he wasn't alone when he was being brought down by these thoughts
that you were right there beside him when the world was crashing down on you both
but asking for help wasn't wrong even if it was hard
he needed to get out of his bed and to talk to the boys about what was going on,
he couldn't be hooked on his insecurities and even if he did present himself as the most confident man, he had his breakdowns about not being good enough
he felt less alone knowing you were experiencing change with him and that you would be by his side
it wasn't perfect but he knew that with you it would be
she had too many drinks & the dance floor was her best friend. i stared across the room as i waited and waited for this night to be over, being obviously dragged by her and her magnificent black dress to the endless loud music and the chanting from the crowd. it was an attempt to try to forget her ex and move on at least for tonight and if i said it was working i'd be lying. i could see the tears stained cheeks as the eyeshadow & the mascara were mixing themselves up on her lovely face and i wanted to stop her, to show her that this wasn't the way to do things, that moving on shouldn't have to be so painful.
i found myself dragging my feet towards her as i bumped into everyone but didn't care, just muttered a soft "sorry" and kept going and as soon as i got to her, i said:
"let's go home yeah?" we weren't that far away from our apartment complex, she had been my roommate for at least a year and god knows how fast i fell for her.
"kookie please let me stay! i'm having so much fun," she mumbled and her breath was pure alcohol in all it's glorious form. i was debating if i should throw her over my shoulder and just take her out of the damn place but i was probably gonna get called all kinds of things for that. "you can go but i really wanna stay," she said more clearly now even though i couldn't just leave her drunk and alone.
"i'm not gonna leave without you," i said firmly and hoped that would change her mind but i knew it was no use against the drunk (y/n) whose head was stuck somewhere else.ย
"i just need one partner to take home tonight and i'll be fine," she said, giving me thumbs up as she went to get herself another drink but as soon as i saw what she was doing i stopped her. "come on, you're no fun!" she said pouting and i dragged her outside even though she refused to move but then let herself go thinking we were going to the dancefloor probably.
the starless night felt so empty as she lit up a cigarette that she found god knows where and i couldn't stop her this time. we sat down on the pavement as we watched the taxis pass by, the drunken crowds living their best (or worst) life and felt the wind rise up. i slowly took my jacket off and put it around her shoulders even though she refused at first, i knew her better than the palm of my hand and she was shivering.ย
"you know this isn't going to bring sangyeon back," i said softly as she laid on my shoulder and she just nodded with no energy left in her tiny body to fight me back on this one. "i just want you to know that this isn't the way to go about things & that i hope you don't regret the damn hangover you're gonna get after this," i said and she just laughed and my heart skipped a beat.
"i promise i won't bother you in the morning," she said laughing and i knew that was a lie but honestly i couldn't care less about taking care of her, it was a pleasure if anything that she trusted me enough to do so. god i was getting sappy again, it's like my head can't stop. "let's go home kookie," she mumbled, taking my hand not knowing how much the gesture meant to me and i intertwined our fingers as i got up and helped her.
the moon lit up the way as we walked back home and i couldn't help but look at her and think: how clueless is she to not know that i've waiting for her for what feels like my whole life. i knew better than to confess right now when she was hurting but i hoped one day i could do so and could see that bright smile back on her face and hoped it would be the start of something wonderful for the both of us.
"stop looking at me, i know i'm a mess right now," she said as she tried to cover her face but i stopped her. she might've not known why i did that but it was enough to make her blush.ย
"you always look beautiful," i barely whispered as she walked into the building and knew she didn't hear me.
but she actually did and that forgotten smile came back to her face.
track playing ; all too well (10 minute version) by taylor swift
-ย
'cause there we are again on that little town street
you almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me
wind in my hair, i was there
i remember it all too well.
taehyung was a distracted kind of lover. i could still see him staring at me and mouthing "i love you" every two seconds making me blush & giggle as i told him to stop and focus on the road. i wish everything could've been like that moment, simple little things that could give me a smile to remember everything without a broken heart. no matter what happened, all came crashing down for us like a spiral of endless catastrophic moments. i was hoping he would come back but at the same time i didn't want him to come through the door at all.
"if this is what you want then fine, leave! but please don't think i will fix you once you come back," i said and all i could feel was his glare piercing through me like a thousand bullets.
"then i won't, you won't ever see me again (y/n)!" he said and i knew that's when i lost him for good or for bad i didn't know yet but all i felt was pain at that moment in time. nothing would ever make me forget of sleepless nights, endless car rides & sweet little "i love you's"
'til we were dead and gone and buried
check the pulse and come back swearing, it's the same
after three months in the grave
and then you wonder where it went to
as I reached for you, but all i felt was shame
and you held my lifeless frame.
yoongi simply wasn't there. he was like a ghost in this relationship, well that's at least what i called it. i don't know how he felt or what i was to him. i just know that i tried my damn hardest to make it work, to be the good significant other that he desired but nothing ever seemed to work out. nothing was enough or everything was too much, not enough love, too much affection, not enough words, too many actions. i broke down in the middle of the night as he held me and tried to calm me down but i couldn't even bring myself to care.
"we will find a solution to this won't we?" i said with a hopeful, false smile invading my face as i tried to get an answer. some kind of sign that this was worth fighting for.
"i honestly don't know and to be honest (y/n) i don't know if i care enough," there it was, the breaking point. the fall from grace, the erased memories that he somehow brushed over with all the things i tried doing for him. nothing was enough like i said and everything suffocated him too much.
'cause there we are again in the middle of the night
we're dancin' 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
down the stairs, i was there
i remember it all too well
hoseok loved to make up excuses. it was this or that, black or white, golden or buried in the ground like our love had been for as long as i could remember. even if we did have our moments where we could be with each other & feel that burning love that i desired so much, it wasn't enough and we both knew the end was coming near us, creeping in on us. i found myself slow dancing with him in the middle of the kitchen and with no light except for the one coming from the refrigerator, enjoying the sound of his heartbeat.
"i love you with all my heart (y/n)," he whispered and if it would've been at the beginning of our relationship i would've believed every single word but i knew who he was, i knew him like the back of my hand.
"let's just stay like this for a little longer," i mumbled sleepily and stupidly. this wouldn't fix anything, no wounds would patch themselves up for one magic moment but i knew the clock was ticking. this wouldn't last much longer as my tears fell from my face and nothing else was said during that night.
well, maybe we got lost in translation
maybe I asked for too much
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
'til you tore it all up
running scared, i was there
i remember it all too well.
jungkook didn't know what he wanted. it was tearing us apart slowly & building itself up like a wall between us. he and i had been in a long lasting relationship until suddenly his feelings faded away with the wind and i was left holding on to nothing while in the middle of a cliff. i thought he would hold my hand forever, whisper sweet nothings to my ear and play video games with me even though i was terrible at it. but as i found myself looking at him with no spark in his eyes, i knew it was over for me, for him, for both of us.
"i'm sorry to do this (y/n)," he said but no regret was felt in his voice and all i could do was choke on a sob as i ran away from him.ย
he wasn't gonna chase me, i knew he would just stand there like a statue without knowing what to do. but this time it hurt the most 'cause i wasn't gonna see him again begging for forgiveness in our living room, i would have to get used to the presence of jungkook being gone from my life.
and you call me up again
just to break me like a promise
so casually cruel in the name of being honest
i'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'cause i remember it all, all, all.
jimin was done with me before i knew it. a damn phone call was gonna be the thing that was gonna end me and cancel out all my feelings that ever appeared for him. it wasn't even the first time he did this, he loved to play tricks on me, in my mind, how delusional could i have been? to go for a second, a third chance even. what was i expecting from him? to change? i didn't even know at that point and i couldn't bother myself to think of the possibility of what could have been.
"it's not you obviously but i think we both need to move on," he said calmly while all hell broke loose for me and before i could answer, he hanged up. he hated fighting, hated my comebacks, hated that i was right that he couldn't just do this to me but there was no us anymore. it was just me fighting for myself as the sobs escaped from my body and i found myself hugging my knees.
"i feel so stupid," i whispered to myself as i tried to stop the tears but there was no way to do so as i poured my heart out for a man who didn't care.
they say: all's well that ends well
but i'm in the new hell every time
you double-cross my mind
you said if we had been closer in age
maybe it would have been fine
and that made me want to die.
seokjin's love was a permanent scar on my skin. the age difference wasn't a big deal until it became a joke around his friends & family, he would laugh along but i didn't find it funny. then he wouldn't find it funny either when he realized that it was gonna be our deal breaker, that i was too immature for someone like him, that i wasn't up to those mature standards and that i wasn't thinking of the future, no wedding, no kids for now and he just wanted everything that someone his age would ideally want.
"i don't think you understand, we were not meant for each other! we were both blinded by something that never existed," he tried explaining to me as i crossed my arms not believing his bullshit. i had to walk out of the apartment and rethink everything that happened, that got us to that point in particular. i didn't know that when i would go back every single one of my things would be packed and there would be a note saying "i'm sorry but this won't work out"
you, who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
sipping coffee like you were on a late night show
but then he watched me watch the front door all night
willing you to come
and he said: it's supposed to be fun turning 21
namjoon never showed up. i waited & waited but nothing happened and this wasn't even the first time that this happened. all my text messages weren't even appearing like they were read from him, all my calls would go straight to voicemail until it was already midnight and the millions of apologies and excuses showed up at me through the phone but not even at my door. i had it all planned out with my family and it was going to be perfect but it was all gone now, the candles were off and my dad was there to console me through the whole night.
"i didn't even notice the day it was (y/n) please i'm so sorry," he begged and that's when i decided to be the one who would turn off my phone. i've had enough lies, i've had enough of waiting around and had enough of him. but apparently my heart was still holding on as the tears wouldn't stop falling from my face, trying to collect myself as i looked at my dad again.
"i think i'll go home now," i said, not knowing if there was a home waiting for me in the first place and most likely knowing he wouldn't be there at all.
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