(Malec. Tw: MCD, Heavy Violence, Unhappy Ending) | Read on Ao3.
Magnus and Alec fell in love far too young to really know that what they had was special, until they'd already lost it. Years later, Magnus finds himself raiding a building where his ex-boyfriend just happens to be working security. Not knowing what else to do, Magnus kidnaps him - putting he and Alec both in a very awkward situation.
This work was created for the @malecdiscordserver’s Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2021! This fic was betaed by the wonderful @bamf-alec with the amazing art by @thelightofthebane.
Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Chapter One Preview:
Magnus Bane hadn’t heard the name Alexander Lightwood in years. Truthfully, he’d suspected that he’d never hear it again, void from his own thoughts, which drifted to Alexander far more often than he would ever dare to admit to anyone aloud.
He and Alec had dated once, when they’d both been far too young to deserve a love as pure as what they’d found. Magnus was not a sappy man but, in the privacy of his own head, he thought Alexander was the person he was supposed to end up with before — well, before everything in his life went to shit.
He and Alec had fallen in love fast. They’d spent most of their high school years utterly enthralled with each other. They’d spent their evenings making out in Alec’s room, just to wake up and spend the morning making out in Alec’s car before the bell rang and they had to go their separate ways. Magnus had known, even then when no one had believed they’d last, that he was going to spend the rest of his life with Alec. He was supposed to spend the rest of his life with him.
Magnus shifted and sighed, dropping the note from Raphael back onto his desk. Raphael had come to tell him in person, but he’d still been out. Perhaps, it had felt too personal to send as a text but too urgent to wait until the next time Raphael and Magnus would be able to see each other again.
Raphael was the only person in Magnus’ life that still knew just how deeply and utterly in love Magnus was with Alexander Lightwood. In his line of work, he had to pretend to be uncaring and he did a pretty good job of it. Even with Alec, if anyone ever asked about him, Magnus would pretend not to remember who he was. Alec was something of the past. He was someone Magnus didn’t even recognize anymore.
It was both to protect Magnus’ reputation and to protect Alec himself. Alec deserved a normal life, after everything Magnus had put him through. He had decided a long time ago that even if his heart ached every single time he thought of him, he’d let Alec go. He’d never talk to him again. He’d keep Alec safe from every danger Magnus’ life could bring and Alec would simply be someone he knew once, someone he hardly remembered, someone that meant nothing to him anymore.
Yet, here was this note, threatening all of that with a few simple words. Raphael had written it bluntly and Magnus glanced down to read it over again, as if anything about the contents might have changed since he last looked.
‘Alexander works at the shipping company. Guard. I couldn’t get information on his schedule. We can call it off, if you want.’ Then Raphael had signed his name, as if Magnus wouldn’t know who’d written it.
Magnus sighed and tossed his head back. Even the simple way Raphael had written it showed a consideration that he knew Raphael would not afford many others. The thought of Raphael offering to call off a heist they’d been planning for months simply because someone his associate had dated years ago might be there was laughable and yet, Raphael had done just that because he knew what no one else in Magnus’ life did. He knew that Magnus had never gotten over Alec and that if he forced Magnus to go through with this when he didn’t want to, it could be more dangerous than if they called it off from the beginning.
He was scared Magnus would do something stupid if Alec was there. Magnus would have loved to say the fear was unfounded, but Alec Lightwood was perhaps the one person in the world that he could still be hurt by. Anyone else, he’d conditioned himself to accept that he would lose, even when it came to people like Raphael. What they did was dangerous and he had tried to prepare himself for the day Raphael would end up dead, if it happened before Magnus himself met an untimely demise.
Alexander was different. Magnus had already lost him and yet, he couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where Alec had been hurt because of him — hurt any more than he had been already, anyway.
He knew that Alec had become a bodyguard. He kept an eye on him when he could. He had someone inform him if Alec moved, if he got a new job, or if he was in trouble. Magnus had only stepped in once or twice, though Alec didn’t know and hopefully never would. Magnus didn’t think he would accept anything from him, if he outright offered. Instead, Magnus had made sure Alec just happened to get what he needed.
When Alec’s parents cut him off, Magnus sent someone to give him money. A ‘random’ charitable act of course, one that Alec just happened to be given when he was struggling, one that a ghost like Magnus Bane had nothing to do with.
Alec was doing a lot better now, so Magnus had mostly backed off. He had a solid job. He made a lot of money. He was trained in self defense, if he ever needed to protect himself.
Magnus didn’t imagine Alec would need him anymore, which was why he hadn’t expected to hear about him again, but he supposed fate worked in mysterious ways and, apparently, fate couldn’t leave Magnus the fuck alone.
He would rather know that he’d never see Alec again than do this, than suffer wondering if they’d run into each other, wondering if Alec would look just as disgusted with him as he had when they’d last seen each other. That was even before Magnus was wanted for murder. That was even before he had done all he’d done after that.
He knew that he couldn’t call it off. It was a simple hit, but a lot of work had gone into figuring out where Camille’s stuff was being held and what exactly they could do to disrupt her operations even more. Magnus couldn't call it off now just because Alec might be there.
He wanted to. He wanted to throw everything aside and call it all off, so he could stay home that night and not have to wonder if he’d see the man he loved again, not have to wonder what that would mean for Alec if he did.
Hopefully he wouldn’t be there but, if he was, Magnus knew he couldn’t stop it. He’d done his best to do right by Alec. He’d left him alone and never contacted him again, after everything happened. He’d kept an eye on him, in case he needed help. He’d helped when Alec needed it but, even after all of that, Magnus couldn’t stop this.
He’d done a lot of stupid things for Alec, but Magnus knew that this was crossing a line that he could not cross. He could not call this off for a man he hadn’t seen in years. He couldn’t call it off just because he might be there. He couldn’t protect Alec from this.
If he’d known Alec worked there before this, it would have been different, but by now their plan was more or less set in stone. Calling it off wasn’t an option. If Alec died there, it was because the world had wanted it to happen, not Magnus. He had done his best to protect Alec, but this was out of his hands. Besides, what message would it send if anyone found out Magnus had called all of this off the moment Alec’s name was dropped? He’d be in danger anyway and that wouldn’t be any better.
Magnus crumpled the note from Raphael and threw it away. He didn’t say anything to him about it, which they both knew that meant that nothing about their plan had changed.
Saturday night came quickly. They approached the shipping company in the dark, silently. They had a small crew with them, the best of the people they knew. The instructions were simple. Get in, take everyone out quietly and efficiently, destroy Camille’s shit, and get out.
Magnus had to stop himself from scanning the cars in the parking lot and wondering if any of them were Alec’s. Truthfully, he’d had to stop himself from thinking a lot of things about Alec recently. He had to stop himself from wondering what would happen if Alec was here now and did die. He had to stop himself from thinking of Alec’s siblings, who he remembered as so much younger than they were now. He had to stop himself from visualizing exactly how heartbroken they’d be if anything happened to their big brother. He had to stop himself from dwelling on it and he had to convince himself that he didn’t care, because he couldn’t.
He had a job to do. It was as simple as that. At the end of the day, Magnus couldn’t put anything else first and… well, it was the end of the day, wasn’t it?
They stood outside, eyeing the big building as Raphael leaned against the hood of his car, lighting a cigarette. Magnus didn’t smoke much anymore, but he reached for the one Raphael had lit anyway, taking it from his hands and raising it to his own lips.
Raphael’s hand froze, now empty. For a moment, it looked as if he was going to argue but, after a second, he simply reached for another one and lit it again. It might have been because of Alec that Raphael let it slide where he’d normally protest. Magnus wasn’t sure and didn’t ask.
“You could’ve called it off,” Raphael said finally.
Key word: could’ve, past tense. Magnus wanted to snap at him for bringing it up at all. He’d been hoping they’d pointedly avoid the topic for the rest of eternity. “No, I couldn’t have,” he said simply, blowing out a puff of gray smoke as he did.
Raphael shrugged. “Maybe not,” he admitted. He lowered the cigarette from his lips, flicking the ash to the ground. “What if he’s in there?” he asked.
“What if?” Magnus posed in return. He knew what Raphael was asking, but pretended that he didn’t. He wasn’t sure what answer Raphael wanted him to give. He wasn’t sure he wanted to say the answer out loud.
Before Raphael could say anything else, Lily appeared in the doorway she’d disappeared through nearly three minutes before. She wore a tight black dress with heels and a pistol strapped to her thigh. For anyone else it would have been an issue but, with Lily, Raphael and Magnus both knew that she was just as capable no matter what shoes she was wearing. Lily raised her hand towards them.
Magnus dropped his cigarette to the ground. Raphael nodded towards her, took a long drag of his cigarette, and then did the same. No words needed to be exchanged for them to all understand what was going on. In the simple motion, Lily had told them that the cameras inside were off and that, just as planned, no one had seen her.
Magnus crushed the cigarette under the heel of his boot before he started to make his way towards the rest of their crew, about five men that he knew each by name. Some of them, he’d trained himself. Some of them had come already trained and eager to make some money doing something distasteful. All of them were trustworthy.
“You know the plan,” Raphael said as they reached them.
There were a couple of nods and a few grunts of approval before they all turned and started heading towards the door that Lily was still holding open with her stiletto. Normally, they’d all have continued walking inside without another word. There was nothing else to say but, as they reached the door and Magnus moved to dart after Lily, who’d ducked inside again, Magnus froze.
His hand clenched on the door, holding it half open, letting no one move past him. Magnus took a slow deep breath before he turned to eye all of their men, his gaze suddenly hard. “There’s a man named Alexander that might be inside,” Magnus snapped. “He has dark hair, tall, a scar across his left eyebrow. If he’s here, you don’t shoot him. You save him for me.”
Magnus’ tone left no room for questions, so no one dared to open their mouth and ask one. He turned to continue inside again, meeting Raphael’s eyes for just a second. Even Raphael said nothing, but his expression said enough.
Magnus looked away and when he finally walked inside, he didn’t look back.
strong tw for sh below the cut but i’m drunk and just want to write this somewhere (and i type much faster than i can handwrite on a journal lmfao) (no pictures)
i cut my upper left thigh pretty badly the last time i got drunk. luckily, i had some foresight and had bought some medical adhesive tapes that function as stitches and they worked even better than i could imagine. these should have been the worst scars i have ever inflicted on my body but now it seems like they will heal fine. i’m really thankful because i know that otherwise the scars would not only be ugly but also take a long time to heal, but at the same time the scars are in themselves a huge reason for why i do this in the first place. i kind of wish they were ugly. i kind of wish they were awful and i had to look at them everyday.
i have three cigarette burns just above my right knee. the first one - done just about a week before the others - is more serious. there’s a big crust there. today, when getting dressed, i picked out a dress thinking of how i shouldn’t pressure my thigh wounds only to realise how outlandish my cigarette burns look. there’s three of them, all lined up around the circle of my knee, one, two, three. they could be tattoos. i realise i’m now severely limited in my clothing choices. i’ll do laundry this weekend and hopefully by monday jeans won’t be too much attrition.
i have lines just under my collarbones that are healing well. they shouldn’t be visible in a few more days. but i still have to be mindful to cover them whenever i facetime my parents.
the worst gash on my upper right forearm was done in december, i think. maybe november. it still looks bad - i know a keloid when i see one. it’s mostly because of this one that i still don’t wear short sleeves. everything else can be more easy hidden or at least discreetly disguised by movement, but this one is an offensive shade dark pink and there is no mistaking it. it was a mistake. most of my scars are on my left arm, so the ones on the right arm stand out. there were exactly fifteen before this - i cannot count the hundreds in my left arm, so it would have been better camouflaged. instead it’s just there, in an empty patch of skin, sticking out stubbornly.
and yet tonight i want to do it again. i want to see blood. it’s funny because i actually have a phobia of blood, so everything gets really intense. sometimes i want to cut up my face. i want to scream. i want to stab my neck and then patch it up later as if nothing happened.
