#study: travis.

[itchose]

☺:  three things that make my muse happy / travis. You know I had to. Thanks.

incredibly difficult question to answer because mostly anything that has the ability to make him happy also comes with some very deep sadness or regret but since you asked.. <3

nat makes him happy. nat also makes him incredibly sad and after those first 5-7 months in the wilderness, a lot of the comfort they found in each other is very soured by what they lose together. i stand by the actor's claim that travis doesn't know what happened with nat and javi specifically in their final moments, because i don't think he could ever truly get past that, but he obviously knows something happened, is afraid to know exactly what, and it's constantly there, lingering between them, weighing on them, because they know they haven't told each other everything. and they know they don't know how to talk about it. but it's a push and pull because they don't know how to be with each other but they also don't know how to be without each other. travis genuinely loves nat, but as they grow up, they keep hurting each other, they keep bringing out the worst in each other, and he's constantly faced with the fact that they shouldn't be together. but every time they cut each other off, they just get lonelier, they lose themselves even more. nat makes him happy as a teenager + an adult; as a teenager, she's the one who has the ability to break through his hard shell + his desperate attempts to hide his real emotions and not give away too much of himself. she gives him the ability to smile and laugh and feel normal the way he barely has ever felt in his life. there's just such a deep sadness to it all too that never really fades from their life together.

talking about @manslaught here too because their dynamic is well developed, but mikayla also makes him happy - in a similar way as nat, in which there's happiness, but also deep sadness and regret. their friendship stems from her forming a connection with javi and javi gravitating towards her. this was especially true towards the end of javi's life, but travis noticed it as early as the plane ride, too. he knew javi saw her as a friend and even though mikayla was the kind of person travis desperately wanted to steer clear of in high school, she instantly became important to him once javi died. they didn't really get to know each other until after they were rescued and travis visited her in prison, with the claim that javi would have wanted him to but really, he wanted to, because he was lost and there was a certain kind of security in having mikayla in his life. he and his mother don't know how to be around each other, he and nat cling to each other but are also a mess, but mikayla is really the only stability he has in his life for years to come. she and nat are the only family he really feels like he has; she's like a sister to him, and once he realizes that, he does everything in his power to try to keep her safe, because he failed at being a brother with javi and he failed at protecting him, so it's so crucial to him that mikayla has someone she can count on. travis still doesn't have a lot of moments of genuine happiness, but when he does, they're often with her. she helps him relax and when he can tell he's helping her too, it's really refreshing for him.

in the wilderness, it makes him happy when they find game. obviously they're always desperate for it, even when there is game around to hunt, but in those first few months, he felt really proud every time they could come back with something. he's always felt like an outsider, but it's heavily emphasized in the wilderness because he's the only teenage boy amongst a bunch of his peers who likely never gave him the time of day before. he feels uncomfortable, awkward, and constantly on edge around all of them, but when he gets to feel like he's doing something beneficial to all of them, something that only he and nat are doing at that point, it gives him a sense of purpose and makes him feel like he's not just a burden to them all. and in general it just feels really good for him to accomplish something and to be good at it.

[itchose]

in depth headcanon questions |  @suhspiria asked: who was the one family member your muse always looked up to, if any?

i don't know if "looked up to" is the right way to phrase it, but at least for the family member he admired most, it's javi. it's javi in the way that travis views him as this carefree individual who is brave and unafraid of going right up anyone and just saying whatever's on his mind. it's javi in the way that he is seemingly so sure of who he is and what he wants to do. he's not afraid to ask questions, not afraid to dance in front of everyone in the cabin, not afraid to go up to shauna with a journal in her hand and ask her directly what she's doing, not afraid to be vulnerable and give his art to someone else. in the end, it's javi in the way that he refused to talk to anyone, no matter how rude they got about trying to force him to talk, and no matter how frustrated travis himself got waiting for answers.

and even if some of these things aren't even true for javi, even if travis's perception of hi is totally off, it doesn't matter, because this is how travis views him. travis sees javi as everything he never let himself be.

he's scared of being perceived, it makes him feel so exposed and small and it just makes him angry. people talk about him, they call him names, they spread rumors, they assume the worst from him, and he has the worst way of coping with it in response. javi doesn't seem to let things bother him - and again, even if that's not true, it's how travis sees it with him, and he's so envious of it. and part of that is just that javi is still a kid, and maybe travis used to be like that too, but he's just so far removed from it now that he longs to feel that bravery he sees in javi. and he'll always regret not encouraging him for it and instead, putting him down for it, like he spent the last yfew years of javi's life doing.

his father is obviously not even an option in this, and he never was. when travis was really little, he did try to believe that his father was the kind of dad he was supposed to have, but he let go of that dream pretty quickly, mostly when his father started trying to push soccer on him and it ended poorly for both of them. he does love his mother, and things are mostly better between the two of them, but he always felt like she preferred javi over him, which is obviously heightened when he returns from the wilderness and realizes he has no way to connect with his mother at all, when he's the only one that returns.

as for someone he did genuinely look up to, it was probably his grandmother who lived with them for most of his life. she's the one who taught him how to drive, who attempted to encourage him to get involved at school + extracurriculars (even though he didn't listen), and tried to be a source of comfort when his father clearly did the opposite. she's the only person he ever felt close to being himself around, whoever that was. he was able to be a little more vulnerable with her than he was with anyone else.

[itchose]

travis likes really cheesy movies. sometimes childish and/or animated movies. movies with happy endings. even some romcoms despite constantly telling himself that would never be him. movies where there's little drama. movies that allow himself to shut his brain off for a while. hates movies focused on family, especially father/son bonding for obvious reasons (and on the opposite end, also hates movies where children + father don't get along, because they hit too close to home). he doesn't really admit to this ever, obviously, assuming he has fall into specific boxes, so he generally lies and says action movies are his favorite, even though they typically just bore him.

[itchose]

in-depth character headcanon questions for TRAVIS | @inflame asked: what's your muse's biggest fears and what caused them?

i have so many different answers for this for different parts of his life.

pre-crash,  his biggest fear is being perceived.   he’s always been an outsider,   always struggled to make friends / connect with anyone,  but it obviously gets a lot worse after 7th grade when he has his spinal fusion surgery and starts getting bullied more heavily with the addition of the nickname flex and all the other rumors that come with it.   because it’s one thing to be the kid on the outside who people just ignore in a way that’s always made him feel lonely;   it’s another thing to be the kid only noticed because of a rumor being spread and a nickname people can now use to poke fun at him too.  especially because most of the people probably don’t even know what his actual name is.   they just know the nickname that’s clearly very harmful to him.  so now there’s attention on him that makes him even lonelier than not being noticed at all.  he hates the idea of people talking about him or to him in this way,  he hates knowing that there are people spreading this name / these rumors,  he hates knowing that they only see him as this.  

he’d rather not be perceived at all,  which ultimately makes his initial time in the wilderness harder,  because there’s no chance of him fitting in there at all.  he’s the only teenage boy there.  there’s a group of girls who are already on a team together who already know each other in a certain way.  then there’s an adult,  and then his kid brother,  and these people are all outsiders in their own way,   and i think the fandom has a habit of associating travis with ben to claim there’s some similarity there,  but there really isn’t.   he’s still an adult,  travis is still a teenager,  they’re still in very different circumstances.  ben tries to connect with him to be there for him but it’s hard for travis to accept it   ( i think there’s some resonation between them much later on, but that doesn’t mean travis feels like ben is the person to stick around to make him feel less alone,  because he isn’t.  )  

the bullying is just even harder for him to deal with in the wilderness because it’s now impossible to hide,  even worse than it was in the halls at school,   because he is such an easy target.  he is the only teenage boy there and they’ve already got hold of this nickname that makes him feel so much shame and it’s impossible for him to get away from it.  he’s being perceived more than ever,   or at least that’s how it feels,  and it’s terrifying to him,  which is why he lashes out and why he’s mean to everyone around him and especially his brother.  and he handles none of this in the right way but all of his fears and insecurities really hit him at once and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to push outward.

after crashing,  his biggest fear is losing javi.    and that doesn’t mean he’s the best brother to him because of it,  either,  because he’s definitely not.   he never properly processed his feelings about his father’s death.  he didn’t like him,  he routinely wished for him to be gone,  but now that he actually is,  he doesn’t know how to cope with that,  other than realizing that the responsibility to take care of javi is now on him.   and he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  he’s well aware that he’s not been a good brother to him for the past few years,  but now,  he’s his only parental figure out there,   and that’s scary,  because travis has no good reference from their father.   and it’s fucked up because as much as he doesn’t want to be his father,  he ultimately takes his anger out on javi the way his father often did to him,   and he can feel himself doing it and it’s terrifying to him.   he takes steps in the right direction but when he can’t handle something personally,  it backfires.   he literally tries to dig up their dead father’s body just so he can bring javi something to have of a father that travis never liked or trusted anyway,  and when he gives it to him,  he acts like he just had it because he wants to spare javi from knowing the lengths he went and because he doesn’t want some kind of empty praise for something that felt necessary to him anyway.  but he still fights javi afterwards.   he steals food from the girls and refuses to give them a reason,  and when he tries to give it to javi just so he can feed his brother,  he still gets mad at him for the gum.   he’s trying to take care of javi physically but it’s the emotional side that’s really hard for him.   he tries,  just very slowly.

and then he does lose javi.  he’s missing for over 2 months and all travis can think about is that as long as he doesn’t have closure,  then javi is still out there,  but he’s suffering somewhere and he has to get to him.   travis told javi not to come with him on doomcoming and that led to javi’s disappearance and to travis’s assault + almost murder.  all of these things are connected.  if he didn’t go with jackie,  if he didn’t make that choice,  then maybe he wouldn’t be so traumatized,  and more importantly to him,  maybe javi would still be here.  he believes it’s on him for not just being with him.  it was a scary night for everyone and he should’ve been protecting his brother and no,  travis isn’t at fault for what happened to either of them,  but he’s never going to forgive himself for his decisions that night anyway.  and, frankly, it’s easier to hate himself for what happened to javi than to deal with what happened to himself.  because at least finding javi is something he feels like he can actually do,  but actually working through what he experienced that night isn’t something he feels capable of doing.

javi returns and travis promises himself he’s going to do better by him.   because he can’t afford to lose him;   just like with bringing the ring back for him so he can have something,  he has to be able to bring something home to his mother,  too.   it can’t just be him.   he knows he’s not the favorite son,  he knows that his mother is already going to have a hard time processing the fact that her husband is gone,  but she can’t lose her youngest son,  too.   and travis doesn’t feel like he’s any sort of consolation prize either.   he takes a new approach with javi,  he tries to be softer with him,  tries to match his energy when he can’t speak.   he tells him it’s okay if he doesn’t want to talk because he understands that’s not something he’s comfortable with,  but he’s still desperate for information because he’s so afraid of what happened to him out there.   he tries to create a shield between javi and the others, he refuses to push javi when the girl insist he do it,  because he’s trying to protect him.   because that’s all he can do until javi is ready to communicate with him.   but he’s terrified,  because javi is back,  but it doesn’t feel like he is,   like he’s a ghost of his former self,   and travis has already decided that he’s failed to save him.

but then there’s some relief when he doesn’t pull the queen card,  and he doesn’t even consider what his actions afterwards could do.   all he thought about was saving nat’s life,  he never expected it to put javi in danger   (  not that it would have stopped him,  per se.   in that moment all he was thinking about was saving nat.  )   he tells javi to go protect nat because it’s his only move left,  but the last thing he’s expecting is for them to bring javi’s body back.   he sees javi’s dead body and all he can think about is his own failures.    he thinks he could have prevented it,  he thinks it’s his fault;   not just by fighting in the circle but everything that led here.  he can’t see it any other way.   and i’m with the kevin who said that if travis knew what nat did,  what really happened when javi died,  he would never forgive her.  so i don’t think he ever learns what happens out there—  and i don’t think the details are something he’s desperate for, either.    all he knows is that what he was most scared of out there already happened,   and now he doesn’t know how to keep on living.   but he has to,  because that’s why javi died:   so travis could live.

after he loses javi,  for the rest of his time in the wilderness + through his life post rescue,   one of his biggest fears is dying.   it’s not that he thinks his life is worth living or that he’s afraid of death itself;  he’s faced it for so long that it’s impossible for him not to get comfortable with the thought.   what scares him is ever making what happened to javi meaningless.  because van did reach him in that conversation before they ate javi,  even if he wasn’t exactly receptive to it at first.   javi died to he could save their lives,  to save travis’s life,  and if he didn’t eat,   if he didn’t keep fighting to live every single day of his life afterwards,   then what did he die for?   that doesn’t stop him from being reckless with his life,  either—  but he’s so desperate to feel something that he can’t balance safety and survival all at once.   that’s why there’s a suicide pact between him and nat;   because they both know they’re alive because javi is dead.   and they both feel in depth to him for different reasons.  their lives have to be lived,  even when it doesn’t feel worth it.   

outside of himself,  his other biggest fear,  especially post-rescue,  is nat dying.    she’s his only family left.   she’s all he has.   he has a mother who he doesn’t know how to look in the eye anymore / who he can’t properly communicate with.   even when things between him and nat are going horribly,   even when they’re breaking it off / refusing to speak,   she’s still family.   she always will be,   just as javi saw it too,   and he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her.   sometimes,  that means they have to stay away from each other,  and he understands that too.   he hurts her,   she hurts him,  it’s a cycle that they can’t get out of because no one else understands them the way the other does.    they don’t belong together but how can they possibly belong anywhere else?  they’re horrible together but how can they be with anyone else?   if nat is safer away from him,  then he’ll accept that,  because at least she’ll live,  he thinks.   and that’s all that matters to him.   i think travis would have had a very similar arc to nat’s if it happened in reverse;  it might’ve been the only way for him to ever want to reach out to anyone beyond lot.   

to circle this back around to the beginning,   another fear of his post rescue goes back to being perceived.    it’s just different than it was when he was in high school.   i’m actually surprised it took him so long to finally change his name and go off the grid,   i think it’s something that he considered for many years before he ever finally did it,  because he hates hearing his name,  he hates knowing that people may recognize him from the news.   the good thing about it is that most of the time,  his photo isn’t used in reports at all,   because it’s often focused on the team;   the bad thing is that his name is probably more recognizable because of it,  too.  he wants to try to live his life without his past following him but it’s so scary for him to try,   because he shuts down the moment someone mentions it—  especially if they’re aware that he is the only one who had family with him out there,   and he returned alone.   for everyone else,  their relationships with the ones who passed away are just speculation,  but travis doesn’t get that—-  his father and his brother’s death are something that is certain to anyone who knows about what happened out there.  he can’t escape that.  he’s still being perceived in the worst ways and he still can’t free himself from it.

[itchose]

most of the news about the plane's disappearance + then later the rescue is paired with a team photo, meaning every person is accounted for except for travis and javi (+ the pilots and flight attendants, but they're the only ones from their community, at least). they obviously had their own memorial photos at the school (a memorial that was likely created during the 19 months they were missing, kept out of respect afterwards), and i do think the news would've included their photos more when they were missing, but post rescue likely rarely includes anything beyond the main team photo. which means travis can kind of blend in, which is... fine. because he has always hated being perceived anyway but it's people not immediately recognizing him that makes the paranoia even worse anyway because he's always on edge assuming that anyone he runs into could know him by face or name.

have a lot of thoughts about why it took him so long to officially go off the grid, change his new identity, move away, etc. but that's for another time i was just thinking about this today <3

[itchose]

[Travis, hey. Your brother's trying to get back on the plane. I think he's looking for your dad.]

"The door ripped open when we were going down. He was trying to help one of you idiots put on an oxygen mask, and, uh... he fell out."

[Yeah, well, that.. fucking sucks, but... your brother's still here, so.. maybe you should go help him.] "Well, maybe you should mind your own fucking business, hmm?"

thinking about this scene in 1x02 where travis is just at peace with the idea that his father is dead. he's already (at least, he thinks) accepted it. his dad fell out of the plane and he'll never see him again, he tells himself it's fine because his father sucked, he didn't like him anyway, maybe he gets one good thing out of this. he's trying to be at peace with it and trying to not let it bother him.

but then nat shatters the glass and reminds him that his brother is here, and he's not at peace with it, so travis does what he does best and deflects, pushes her away, acts like he doesn't care, etc. but he does, obviously, it's just that nat is forcing him out of this bubble he created for himself and now he has to deal with it. and he doesn't know how to do that.

and then he sees his father, and that moment of serenity is entirely gone, because maybe there's still something he can do. because he never wanted his father dead, as much as he just wanted him out of his life, he was just accepting that fate because he thought it already happened.

putting the rest under a read more because of storyboard screenshots:

+ the original script:

you can still see in the show that his father is still alive, but travis turns away, so it's unclear if he actually noticed himself - but the storyboard makes that moment much more obvious and gives travis one last real moment with him too, which is what i take in my portrayal. there is no way that travis could have saved him, but because he was still alive when travis was face to face with him, it's impossible for him to not feel like he failed to save him, anyway.

and because he already hated him, because he has been full of resentment for his father for years now, what does it mean that he was face to face with his father moments before he fell to his death and there was no way he could save him? what does it mean that he didn't save him, despite the fact that he was right there, convincing himself he could?

[itchose]

(Q) WHICH SUBTLE WAY OF SAYING "I LOVE YOU" ARE YOU? (A) "YOU'RE THE EXCEPTION"

tagged by @sc4torccio

your emotional walls have walls. seriously, you've guarded yourself so well, you sometimes forget how to look over your own walls and see the beauty of the world outside the safety of the protection you've set up. you forget how to escape the confines you built for yourself, that is, but some people (some incredibly rare people) somehow know their way through that intricate maze of walls and thorns around you. they're the exception, and terrifying as it might be at first, you'll let them know eventually. you smile at them where you'd scowl at another. you crack a joke where you'd usually stay quiet. you find yourself opening up more than you'd ever imagined. don't tear your fortress down if you don't want to, but maybe try to build your loved ones a little home inside it instead. you don't have to be alone. you deserve better than being alone in there.

[itchose]

WHAT PATRON SAINT IS TRAVIS? THE PATRON SAINT OF SILENCE

tagged by @sc4torccio

you are the patron saint of empty spaces, cavernous rooms, moments that last for days. for some people, the emptiness is horrible, something that they need to fill: you, its patron, try to search within it for peace. there is nothing there. there is never anything there. even the emptiness is not a presence of its own. the only thing there is you.