#stuff we say

[0tulipy0]

‘Bro just got ragebaited’ — me

‘I MISS MY DAD- :(‘ — Oli

[ethereal-carmen]

inspired by anmol (aka @the-orangeauthor) here are some conversations I've had with friends but we are all Tired™ and Idiots™

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Friend 1: is anyone else super stressed about the groups project???

Friend 2: that was due yesterday...

Friend 1:....Well at least I don't have to stress about it anymore huh

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Classmate: anyway I need to finish the neuropsychology essay to opt for the 10.[highest mark] It's kicking my ass rn.

Friend 1 without missing a beat: thank God I failed the subject then

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Me: Do you think anyone would notice if I take a quick nap here??

Friend 2: taking into account we are three people in class, I think we all would, yes

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After an Ethology class:

Friend 3: I think I want to be a bat.

All of us nod.

[girldressedinblack]

Weird things my colleague and I say;

Having a conversation about the ‘how the snake lost its legs’ myth:

Me: Just like ‘God had revoked your leg privileges’.

Male Colleague: *laughs for like ten minutes* I can’t stop imagining god as a mobster now who breaks kneecaps when people disobey him.

Me: Well I was aiming for stupid but hey- I hit funny I guess?

Talking about things in fanfic in a taxi with two girls younger than us who aren’t as nerdy as we are:

Me: SEX POLLEN! 

GirlA: What?!?!?! Why would you even say that??

Me: *turning around dramatically in seat* Exactly!! Like- why? I can get why I mean- sex. But like- surely in the whole universe there’s millions more reasons two characters would have sex? Where’s the plot- I demand plot!

Male Colleague: Um- I think we’re being too nerdy again.

GirlA: *stares at me in revulsion* Uh- you’re a freak.

Waiting for GirlA to finish a stressful phonecall (we’d all known each other for about three days at this point):

Male Colleague:  Maybe someone set her up with porn or something on her account.

Male Colleague: *realises he just randomly mentioned porn in front of me who is 6 years younger than him, barely knowing me and looks extremely horrified*

Me: *pulls face* I really don’t get porn- I mean- there’s not much out there for girls anyway. I mean- it’s improving but, meh- you know.

Male Colleague: *still looking horrified and now unsure at the fact someone my age actually plain-face talked about porn to someone they barely knew* Yeah- I’ve heard the choice isn’t great.

Male Colleague: *runs hand over face, makes a GAAHH kind of noise* I can’t believe this is what I’m talking about- we always seem to get to weird conversations! I’m so sorry.

Me: Meh- I make every conversation weird.

Me: I prefer to read personally- I prefer to have context that makes sense.

Me and GirlA on bus, first evening having known each other:

Me: There was a guy sat next to me on a bus this one time who tried to talk to me about anime- I didn’t know him at all so I didn’t say anything about it even though I used to watch a lot of anime. Then he went and sat next to his mate and said ‘I can’t wait to get to uni and meet all the hot girls.’ And I was like, ew.

Me: *pauses*

Me: I mean- I can’t really judge because my best friend and I say the same thing.

Me: *thinking* Did I just out myself? *looks at girlA*

GirlA: *texting or snapchatting or something people with phones that aren’t just for emergency do*

Me: Oh. Obviously not.

Sitting waiting for taxi:

Male Colleague: I mean she was attractive so that’s probably why I liked her but I wasn’t really at the age where it meant anything and- I mean- age gap and all as well.

Me: I really get that- I had the prettiest French teacher- useless at controlling the class but such a sweet and hard working person I tried my hardest anyway. Honestly pissed me off that no one realised this but at that time I didn’t realise that not everyone liked girls too.

GirlA: *in the middle of a different conversation with GirlB* I think they’re talking about science- what freaks.

Me: And- and-and! I had the cutest English teacher- like I would happily marry someone like her- she was just so kind and lovely!

Standing whilst waiting for a taxi minus GirlA:

Male Colleague: Sorry for asking but are you? Like- I’m bi but it’s nothing personal- I’m just curious- not sure why?

Me: Oh- yeah- I’m bi or pan- it depends on your definition. Like gender means nothing at all in terms of my attraction.

Male Colleague: Yeah- I thought you might be.

Me: Yeah- I’m not really subtle.

Talking with older worker as they drive us to somewhere we’re cleaning:

Older Worker: Sorry Male Colleague- the lady who owns the place doesn’t want male cleaners in. I know it’s silly but she’s the boss and she probably has a reason for it.

Male Colleague: That’s fine.

Male Colleague: *pause*

Male Coleague: What if I pretend to be really camp gay- I can do that for an hour or so?

Older Worker: *laughs* I’m sure you can but the rules are the rules.

Me: Damn- I would love to see that!

Older Worker: I mean it’s silly really- either of us could be lesbians and they wouldn’t have a clue.

Male Colleague: *looks back at me*

Older Worker: *is oblivious*

Me: *thinking* Actually the owner of the house is attractive!

Me: *laughs at the fact I actually managed to pass as straight for once in my life and decides not to ruin the illusion so few people share because it’ll be funny when she eventually realises*

Waiting for a bus:

Male Colleague: I’m bi- in case you were wondering.

GirlA: I didn’t want to ask but I thought so when you said about that actor being attractive earlier.

Male Colleague: *looks at me expectantly*

GirlB: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: *waits for question considering one of the first things I said to them was that I was deeply in love with Michelle Gomez*

GirlA: *oblivious* Wait until my boyfriend finds out I’m working with someone who’s not straight- he’ll think I’m a freak for talking about it!

Me: How am I even passing? How???

In another taxi (I feel sorry for the drivers):

GirlA: Did you know Bar X is a gay bar??????

Me: Yeah- I have a straight friend who works there. They do really good drinks and the atmosphere is really lovely!

GirlA: Ugh- how can she work there? They’re all freaks! Freaks I tell you!

Male Colleague: *side eyes* Right.

Me: *raises both eyebrows, smirks in confusion* It’s just like any other bar except nice.

GirlA: Are you sure she’s straight?

Me: Yes. We used to play off as being gay lovers at school. We went around arms linked, skipping and calling each other ‘saucy boy’, ‘lusty wench’ in turn after some play we’d been put together in in English- she nicknamed me ‘Spanky’ because I didn’t have a nickname and I joked about how it was ironic because I preferred being on the other side of it. People actually thought we were dating until I explained to them all that she was really, really, really not gay at all- we’re just really good friends who love taking the piss out of each other.

GirlA: Are you SURE she’s straight?

Me: Yes.

Me: Surely she’s realised by now- how much more obvious can I get?

GirlA: *determined* I’m going there tonight- with my boyfriend! I’m really scared though!

Male Colleague: *raises eyebrows*

GirlB: Why? *laughs*

GirlA: *incredulous* Well it’s a gay bar! 

Male Colleague: *sounding as exasperated with what her answer will probably be to his next questions as I feel, also anticipating them* What are you afraid of? Being hit on or coming out of there gay?

GirlA: Well I might! You never know!

Male Colleague: But- you aren’t gay. Or at least I don’t think you are? You don’t seem it?

GirlA: You never know! After enough drinks I’ll do anything!

Me: It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just walk in straight and magically walk out gay.

Male Colleague: *looking done with this shit* But you don’t like girls, do you? You don’t find them attractive?

GirlA: You never know! I’d probably kiss a girl if I was really drunk.

Male Colleague: But you don’t find them attractive.

GirlA: Well no but if I was really drunk-

Male Colleague: So you’re bi-curious at most. Not really that.

GirlA: Yeah- probably. I don’t know. Lol!

Male Colleague: But you love your boyfriend?

GirlA: Well duh.

Male Colleague: So can you imagine anything that would stop you liking him and make you start liking girls?

GirlA: Well no.

Male Colleague: Well you’ll be fine then.

Me: No one I know has ever been hit on in there and you’ll be with your boyfriend.

GirlA: But it’s a gay bar! I’m scared shitless.

Me: *Iaughs to disguise her irritation because it’s her first experience with the stereotypical homophobic young adult who just assumes they’re attractive to everyone*

Male Colleague: *sighs*

[doodleloopsy]

"Diddylicious, the new Fergalicious." (Bro 1)

"IT'S SICK!" (Bro 1)

"it's naked." (Me, deadpanned)

"she's like the coronavirus, she jumps from man to man." (Bro 1)

"back in my day, we didn't have marriages. we had mutual agreements til the baby came then played rock-paper-scissors to see who gets the custody of the child." (Bro 1)

"I'm gonna be a cow.😃" (Mom)

"the goat's going to war?!" (Bro1)

"🎶silent e~ turns a ziti to a zeet.🎶" (Bro 1, Between The Lions song tune)

"who got nekkid right here?" (Dad)

"are there blood spices?" (Bro 2)

"no, salt and sugar are the only seasonings in your blood." (Me)

"coffee really does taste better the more you drink it. even if it tastes terrible, it'll still taste better the more you drink it." (Me)

"and that's how addiction starts." (Bro1)

"you know what—" (Me)

"i thought we was gang fr, y'know?! i thought we was thuggin'." (Bro2)

"i gang thee not. we are neither gang nor thug fr." (Me)

"was MJ around for the 80s and 90s?" (Bro2)

"yes, he was. he died in 2009." (Me)

"2009?!" (Bro2)

"2009. i was 2 when he died." (Me)

"why didn't you step in?!" (Bro1)

"y'know jujitsu and jujutsu are two different words, right? you gotta take out one of those 'ju's." (Me)

"yeah, they did that back in the day." (Bro2)

"NO—!" (Me)

"Kirby and Majin have to be the same thing." (Bro1)

"technically they're not but if they were, im pretty sure Kirby would have same deformity equivalent as the Powerpuff Girls compared to regular people." (Me)

"is that Anna Paquin?" (Bro1)

"no, that's Afghani Stan." (Me)

"same thing." (Bro1)

"King Arthur..." (Bro2)

"🎶yes it is🎶" (Me)

"...Unbleached All-Purpose Flour?" (Bro2)

"🎶yes iT IS🎶" (Me)

"who bleaches flour???" (Bro2)

"🎶YT PEOPLE🎶" (Me)

"why would they bleach flour?!" (Bro2)

"🎶'CAUSE THEY WANT IT WHITEEE🎶" (Me)

[doodleloopsy]

"he got a PhDoy." (Bro1)

"y'know y'all aren't identical, right?" (Me)

"we know that. Mom doesn't know that." (Bro1)

"that beesting, I used it as an excuse 'cause I was scared." (Bro2)

"of what?" (Me)

in the distance, eavesdropping "GIRLS." (Bro1)

"you don't eat cheese wax, what's wrong with you? actually, that might be what's wrong with you." (Me)

"that ain't no butterfly, that's a red wasp." (Bro1)

"YOU'RE SO SAD. I can smell your depression." (Bro1)

"ROLL THEM GLIZZIES." (Bro1)

"whAt? "SHE"??? THE SANDWICH????" (Me)

"a little cotton candy lil feller fluff in there, alright." (Mom)

"we don't need to know what your wife calls you. that's what she calls you, not us." (Me)

"your wife calls you Phyllis–" (Bro1)

"the world is a cruel place. first, they take the pizza. then, they take the pets. last, they take our toes." (Bro1)

"sometimes you gotta kill off the competition while they're young." (Bro1)

"that's... that's not competition. that's natural selection." (Me)

"like the Jedi." (Bro1)

"Godiva, that's what we should've named you." (Dad)

"Godiva? wasn't she a public nudist?" (Me)

"nevermind." (Dad)

"IM JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE MAN!!! ...I oughta kill you." (Bro1)

"keep farting like that and you'll turn your shorts into fishnets." (Bro2)

"you rather abandon your sister, you CHARLATAN! a RUSE, you put on her." (Bro1)

"you can't be hating 'cause he's French." (Bro1)

"seehowyourfatherputinthem carrots." (Dad)

"..hyperfolic?" (Me)

"carrots." (Dad)

"what???" (Me)

typed, not said

"we don't wanna turn heads and take breaths. we wanna give whiplash and asthma." (Me)

"why would we give it up for charity? we're broker than rice." (Bro1)

"why are you half shaved? you look half Caillou, half.... Little Bill in the face." (Bro1)

"do I look like I'm 2?" (Dad)

"welllllll. you are bald. that does dock points." (Bro1)

"it's a neurotoxin." (Me)

"what dat mean?" (Dad) rhetorically

"brain go dumb dumb, can't go walk walk." (Me) also rhetorically

"that was a butter sized scream." (Me)

"asiago cheese bread: it's makes ya feel just a little bit Italian. like the Macarena makes ya feel just a little bit spanish." (Me)

"we're gonna have an Indian Christmas." (Dad)

"what would that look like?" (Me)

"rice." (Dad)

"BREAKING NEWS: LIN MANUEL MIRANDA ARRESTD FOR.... ... ... poverty." (Bro1)

"SHUT UP, HORTENCIA. AND DON'T CALL ME HONEYBUN." (Bro1)

"southern freezers make things last forever. might as well be a crypt." (Me)

"has Woody ever killed anyone?" (Bro1)

"if he did, I don't think they'd tell us." (Me)

"he's a western gunslinger, 'course he did." (Bro2)

"this woman just said you got an hour and some change to live." (Dad)

completely unprompted and at random

"oh, I love juicy things~" (Bro1)

"he may be able to pay the dowry but how does his library look?" (Me)

"i know that was not a skeleton with a baby skeleton on a leash." (Me)

"that's called parenting." (Bro1)

"why was Archimedes so obsessed with floating?" (Me)

"because he was bullied as a child." (Mom)

[doodleloopsy]

*on the topic of Stone Mountain, GA*

"there's people in the ro–"(Me, in mild awe)

"they're confederates, fuck them." (Dad, immediately)

*Dragon Ball*

"Broly's a Chad." (Bro1)

"oh, he's a certified Chad." (Me)

"he's not a Chad. he's abused." (Bro2)

*on the topic of Disney Speedstorm*

"now hold on. you can make Mike Wazowski all round but his lil girlfriend has corners on her snakes." (Me)

"Vanellope, that is not your cart–" (Me)

"what the frick is this???" (Bro1)

"I'm gonna refresh your soul." (Bro1)

"my soul? I don't think my soul needs to be refreshed, I just got it from dry cleaning." (Me)

"you wanna grow woMEN??? PUT IT IN THE GLASS!!!" (Mom)

"well frankly, I don't give a dAmn. NUT BUSH!!!" (Dad)

"THINK FAST, CHUCKLE NUTS!" *snipes Bro1 in the face with a Frisbee* (Bro2)

"I don't hallucinate. unlike you, I'm straight😃👍🏿" (Bro1)

"I've been confined by the shackles of....MILK." (Bro1)

"wanna watch a movie about drugs and racism?" *shows Zootopia* (Bro1)

"I am but a simple youth.😌" (Bro1)

"are we qualified for such Popery?" (Bro1)

"Bruno never got married, he hid in the walls with his rats." (Me)

"maybe he got married to one of his rats." (Bro1)

"what's the difference between iron and cast iron?" (Bro2)

"iron that's been cast into a shape." (Me)

"..so Iron Man is Cast Iron Man." (Bro2)

"......" (Me)

"you can in fact be bland and spicy." (Me)

"imma tell you like I tell the personification of Europe; salt is not a spice." (Me)

*on the topic of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper's spice kids*

"they didn't sanitize the gene pool." (Bro1)

"Don was a recluse, he hid in holes in the ground like an ostrich. Tiny was also a recluse but she hide in a hole in a tree...like the Lorax." (Me)

[doodleloopsy]

"he's so broke, he can't afford the space in his pockets." (Bro1)

"when I get home, I'm going to war." (Bro1)

"how much did the devil's pitchfork cost?" (Mom)

"3000. put a dent in me money." (Bro1 *in an accent akin to the dude who ran the Nightbus in Harry Potter 3*)

"I like this song, I really do. even though Pauline is a frickin heathen." (Bro1)

"good thing he didn't hit anything vital. just my left liver😃👍🏿" (Bro1)

"I HAVE NO FEAR– nevermind." (Bro2)

"I'm still here, you moron– I DIDN'T MEAN IT." (Bro2)

*on the topic of rice*

"so in Lebanon–"(Mom)

"why the fuck are we in Lebanon???"(Dad)

"so the regular housewife could get her ✨skate on✨ in the Olympics." (Mom)

[doodleloopsy]

new volume of stuff we say

"it's like sweat"(Bro2)

"sweat isn't dense"(me)

"yeah it is. it's like zest. it's....zestity."(Bro2)

"that's not sarcasm. that's ... California."(me)

"what's the word?..."(Bro2)

"A FEMALE."(Bro1)

"no."(me)

"you don't know philosophy 'cause you can't recite the 5th Symphony!" (Bro1)

"(proceeds to try to recite random notes)....high note...low note...high note...a little bit of a lower note..."(Bro2)

"I WaNnA bE bUtTeReD." (Bro1)

"nah, it doesn't scream 'my daughter ate her boyfriend'." (Bro1)

"you dance a fine line between confidence and arrogance but, oh, do you dance." (Me)

"sometimes, I feel like we shouldn't have the ability to speak. we abuse it. often." (Me)

"ya burnt up, shriveled up, dried grape!" (Bro1)

"THEY'RE SCREAMING!!! THE CHILDREN ARE DYING!!! MOTHERS AND FATHERS ARE BLEEDING ON THE BATTLE FIELD!!! SKEWERED BY PITCHFORKS!!! ITS ALL BASS PRO SHOP!!! (at the sound of a squeak coming from our kettle)" (Bro 2)

"y'know where those pages have been?" (Bro1)

"in your book?" (Me)

"y'know where that book has been?" (Bro1)

"....in your book?" (Me)

"in *wink-tongue click* ✨cardiovascular therapy~ ✨" (Bro1)

"BRING ME THY ESOPHAGUS FOR HYDRATION." (Me)

"AHH AHHH MY ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES ONCE AGAIN!!!" (Bro1)