I'm really tired of not being able to create things that I really want to exist in my originals..
Like, I'm really into one of my acquaintance's OCs (especially one certain character, but i adore others with all my heart because they match well and have pleasant designs to draw and just to look at (+ their storyline theme is close to my other long-term hyperfixation)... but one is special, his personality and design just feel different and it seems that author put a lot of her love in him; if i was a character in her universe, i'd definitely have a crush on him, even if he already dated few other chars through the storyline ; i'm ashamed and lazy to name the author and show the character - but believe me, he's really cool, both down-to-earth, chill but risky and self-destructive, and i absolutely adore his personality because he seems real. andddddd.... i guess i relate to his storyline personally (our shitty things with relationships, general reckless but calm behavior and destructive actions from others done of jealousy towards us are really close to each other's) and would consider him my kin? yeah, maybe.. yuppie, another traumatized, weird but generally peaceful bitch in kinnie list, as always....)
but.
i don't know, how to create things i would be satisfied myself as i satisfied in others'.
Being honest - i tried to copy others' OCs traits that I love and sometimes it went great: for example, my OC Satoru was based on random artist's OC (I've only seen one art of him and very little description, so I think author wasn't really interested in that character or just didn't have interest in OCs in general ; but unfortunately I was...). Later he became fully original because I gave him long storyline and developed bonds with other OCs: only things he shares with his "prototype" is role in the band (drummers :p) and some design details like rough color scheme (i don't think it's a big coincidence because i've seen other similar black/gray characters after that?), but they're still very different. I'm really proud of him, he's cool and both me and my friends can empathize his story - that means a lot.
But sometimes I still can't get satisfied and don't know what to do... My brain returns to THIS specific character and I'm trying to understand, which character aspects I love the most (I guess I already understood? some personality traits, overall vibes and concept and few little design details), but copying them, trying to do something that have similar atmosphere or replacing/changing them to be original doesn't help: I tried to do it with the character I've mentioned at the beginning, and it turned out to be completely different character with different concept, just with similar colors (colors weren't the thing I was interested in, they're basic, many characters in media have the same palette. fucking blonde twinks). I'm proud of him and love him like my beloved son, he took an important place in my setting, but it's still not the thing I seek.
It's more a rithoric question, but anyway. I'm just stupid and I'm so tired of unsatisfying.
And yeah, it's Satoru! Despite his usual behavior, he's the sweetest man (dog) ; office worker by day, part-time drummer at night, who had to quit his hockey career because of severe trauma.