#sublexi

[thatonemouse]

When I have orientation play fantasies, I often run into a problem: I don't really want a guy to "fix me" or "fuck me straight" or anything else. Not even with things like hypnosis, brainwashing etc in those fantasies.

I want to feel like I've betrayed myself. If it's being forced upon me, that my body is betraying me by cumming as a man breeds me. If subversive elements like mental tricks are used, I want it to be explicitly a manipulation of me. I can keep going, but it ultimately comes down to one thing - I want to be forced to enjoy it.

Your cock isn't going to make me straight. What it is going to do is give me the most humiliating sexual experience of my life. That I came my brains out while a man was fucking me.

I also want him to know what he's doing. Know that I'm into other women. Know that I'm, as far as he's concerned, a lesbian. And yet he's still getting to use me. He's getting to make me perform for him. He's getting to cum in or on me. And no matter how much I protest, I can't stop the fact that this man made me cum; or made me so worked up that I behaved like a needy whore.

But importantly: once it's done, my orientation isn't changed. My preferences aren't changed. But now I'm going to have that memory of this event gnawing at me. Chewing at me. Making me feel guilty. Making me doubt myself. And it's going to consume me.

I don't want you to fix me, I want you to fucking break me.

[thatonemouse]

I lied one last post before I go

While one of them got deleted, twice on another site I've read accounts of girls going to card game events and intentionally throwing matches as a kink thing, and I'll admit it does scratch an itch a little bit. The idea that you could have won but threw the game, and your chances as prizes, as a submissive gesture to the other player really does tickle something in the brain.

One of those posts even had a girl reporting a no show as a loss. Her opponent ducked out early for the night. She had every right to report herself as 1-2 for the evening. Instead, marked herself as 0-3.

The mind thinks of the exaggerated fantasy, of course. That once you report that you lost that match 0-2, you get under the table and reward them for defeating you. Even though you misplayed on purpose. That you "forgot" those may triggers that could have won you the game. That you had interaction that you didn't play. That you made sure to hold you hand in a way that let them have perfect information. Knowing that serving them was the cost of defeat.

Am I going to a strixhaven prerelease after this post? Maybe. Maybe not. Who's to say :3c