HMC - “I wanted to end the world, but I’ll settle for ending yours.”
@hetaliamondaychallenge
I woke up in an angsty mood and uh... Yeah.
Ship: SuFrUk
Warnings: Insecurities (lots of which are self-depreciating), hint that there was sex the night before, cussing
Uncertainty has never been one to hide from Berwald. It is both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because he is always cautious of new scenarios, and that has saved him a headache many times. Unfortunate because it means he needs a lot of reassuring, especially where he is the least confident. “You aren’t worth their time,” a voice tells him. He isn’t certain whose voice it is, but he has a feeling it’s his own. His own, incredibly uncertain voice.
“Berwald.” Someone’s shaking him. He doesn’t want to wake up. Whatever nightmare he’s currently having has to be much better than existing in the world. “Berwald, please. We have a date today. You don’t want to make Francis sad, do you?” The name makes happiness swell in his chest. Francis. One of the two men he’s dating. The other is Arthur, who must be trying to wake him up. His eyes open, and his suspicions are confirmed. “What were you dreaming about, love? You were frowning awfully hard.” He runs a thumb over Berwald’s lips. It sends a shiver down his spine.
“I d’n’t r’m’mb’r.” He scrunches his face up slightly at his morning voice. Arthur laughs at his expression, and presses a gentle kiss between his brows.
“Well, whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t something too serious. You would have remembered it if it were.” He pulls on a shirt, which makes Berwald register that he’s only wearing a towel around his waist. “Francis is taking a shower now, but he shouldn’t be much longer. Do you think you can wait for him before you get ready?”
“Ja. C’ffee.” Arthur laughs, and hands him a mug.
“Already made. We’re getting an early start, so I thought it was the least I could do. Francis is going to make breakfast while you shower.” Why does he need a shower? He had one yesterday. He goes over the returning memories from the night before, and flushes crimson. Oh. Sweat. He sips on the coffee, staring at Arthur as he dresses the rest of the way. The voice from his dream returns.
“Look at him. Look how perfect he is. Do you really think he gives a shit about you? You’re a pity case, at best.” He blocks out what he is at worst. He doesn’t want to hear it. He knows he’ll convince himself it’s true if he does. As it is, he’s running through everything they’ve ever done as a throuple to pinpoint all the times they could have been pitying him. There’s so much, it makes him dizzy. “See? What did I tell you? Pity. So much pity. You’re so useless. You can’t even see that they’re pitying you without help? What a worthless idiot.” Berwald swallows hard.
“Mon cher? Are you alright?” He blinks a few times, sharpening the scene in front of him. Francis is standing there, wrist on his forehead, expression worried. “Are you feeling sick? We can postpone our date. Your health is more important than that.” Berwald shakes his head quickly.
“‘M f’ne.” He removes Francis’ hand, and gives him the brightest smile he can muster. “No need t’ postp’ne.” He grips the long fingers desperately. Over the years, he’s found holding one or both of them pauses the voice. It has no control over him when he has physical evidence that it’s wrong. Or so he thought.
“Look at you. Gripping onto him like your life depends on it. Can’t you see he’s faking that concern? No? Wow. You’ve gotten worse than I thought. Nothing they ever do is love for you. Nothing. You’ll do good to remember that.” He can’t take it anymore!
“Fr’ncis? Arth’r?” His voice cracks, causing him to flinch. They both look at him, giving him their undivided attention. “Do you r’lly l’ve me?” The shock that crosses their expressions makes his stomach flip, then fill with bile.
“They’re surprised you figured it out.” The voice drowns out what they’re saying. “Look at them, trying to make excuses. Pointless excuses, because you know the truth. They don’t care about you. Not really. They just want-” Stop. No more. Please. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly. He feels someone take the mug from his hand, then two people hug him. “Don’t listen to what they have to say. Only I know the truth. Listen to me!” Somehow, he manages to fight it long enough to focus on Francis and Arthur’s voices.
“How long have you been questioning?” Arthur.
“We’re sorry for not noticing. We should have. Can you ever forgive us?” Francis.
“Stop it! Listen to me! They’re lying!” Berwald stares dully at the two. No. They care. They care so much. He wants to apologize, wants to tell them he never should have questioned their love, wants to tell them he loves them too. But Uncertainty has another idea. “Fine. Since you won’t listen to me, I have to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to end the world, but I’ll settle for ending yours. Perhaps I can end theirs too.”
“I d’n’t th’nk we sh’ld see each oth’r anym’re.” No no no! He doesn’t want that! He parts his lips to say something, anything, just as long as he can take it back! But only a sob comes out. Then the tears start. Despite what he’s just said, they envelope him in a hug. “M-m’ke it st-st’p,” he whispers.
“Make what stop?” He can’t answer that. After a few seconds of silence, Francis tries again. “We can’t help if we don’t know what’s wrong, Berwald. We want to help, but that’s not possible if we don’t know what we’re helping with. What we’re fighting.” Fighting. That’s the perfect description. He looks into Arthur’s eyes desperately.
“Uncertainty,” he whispers. “I can see it in your eyes.” Berwald nods frantically. The Brit gives a bitter smile. “I’ve fought with that before. Berry, why didn’t you tell us? We would have gotten you help before it got so bad. We’ll still get you help, of course, but it’s harder to defeat at this stage. But I believe in you. I know you can beat it still.” Francis nods quickly.
“Oui, I agree. I know you can triumph over it. I believe in you. We believe in you.” He tightens the hug. “Is our relationship part of that fight?” A nod. “Alright. Thank you for answering. I know that must have been hard. Berwald, I love you. So very much. I don’t want our relationship to end. If you truly think it should, then I won’t force you, but I want to hear from you. Not your uncertainty.”
“I feel the same. But please, take all the time you need. Don’t feel forced to decide imme-”
“I l’ve you. S’ m’ch. I d’n’t w’nt it t’ end. Please, h’lp with m’ unc’rtainty. Any w’y you c’n.” He wraps his arms around both of them so tightly he’s a bit concerned he might be cutting off their oxygen. They don’t complain though. Quite the opposite, in fact. They hug him back, whispering and mumbling as many reassuring things as they can to him. He has a long fight ahead of him, but he’ll have the two men he loves the most next to him the entire time.