#suicidal!reader

[waddles03writing]

Stay Alive For Me

Warnings: self harm, cussing, near death, suicide attempt, angst.

“Y/N what the hell was that?!” Dean yelled

“I saved them!” I yelled back

“Yeah and you got hurt!”

“I’m fine!”

“Yeah and the only reason your fine is because Cas saved your ass!”

I stormed off to my room and slammed the door. He was right the only reason I’m alive is because Cas saved me. There was a family cornered by a werewolf. So I led it to me so they could escape. I had run out of bullets and when it got to me it slashed open my stomach. I was dying and Dean prayed to Cas. He came and healed me before I died now it was just scars across my stomach. But at least I saved the family from the werewolf. If I was honest I didn’t really care if I died.

I knew what I deserved for causing so much worry and inconvenience for my brothers and Cas. So I went to the bathroom and grabbed a razor. I made about three cuts but it didn’t work as well as usual. So I made a few more.

“Y/N you in there?” Gabriel asked

“Shit” I whispered

“Yeah I am.” I answered

“Are you alright your brothers told me what happened?” Gabriel asked concerned

“Yeah I’m fine.” I said but my voice broke and was getting weaker

I looked down at my arms and saw I had hit a vein and was bleeding out. I hoped Gabriel would just go away so I could die in peace. But Gabriel sensed something was wrong with my voice. Gabriel opened the door. He looked down at me in fear.

“Shit Y/N what are you doing!?” Gabriel yelled

“Go away.” I said weakly

He grabbed me before I could say another word and brought me to my bed. He ran to the bathroom and got cleaning supplies and stitches. He realized he didn’t know how to do this. He was human now but when he was an angel he never had to do this.

“SAM DEAN GET IN HERE QUICK!” Gabriel yelled

I shook my head slightly getting dizzier by the second.

“Sorry sugar but I can’t fix you but they can.” Gabriel whispered kissing my head

“What is it?” Dean asked running in

He and Sam saw it my blood soaked arms and paling face. Then I passed out before they could do anything.

I woke up the next morning late Gabriel was sleeping beside me. I looked at my arms they were all bandaged up. I sighed. This apparently was enough to wake Gabriel up.

“Sugar you’re awake.” Gabriel said excitedly

I nodded my head trying to hide my disappointment but he saw through it.

“You don’t want to be awake?” He asked

“I’m only alive because of Cas earlier and now you and my brothers. I shouldn’t be alive.”

“Sugar listen to me you deserve to be alive and happy and don’t you ever say otherwise.”

I started to cry I couldn’t help it.

“Look Y/N I love you and I need you here with me.”

“I love you too” I replied hugging Gabriel

I decided maybe I didn’t deserve to die after all. Sure I made mistakes at times. But we all do hell my brothers brought around the apocalypse. Also with Gabriel here at my side I can face anything.

[waddles03writing]

Bullies and A Note

Warnings: Cursing, depression, suicide attempt, self harm, bullying

Synopsis: Y/N Winchester is being bullied at school and can’t take it anymore.

Note: I in NO way am for suicide of self harm if you feel this way reach out and get help.

¨Hey Y/N!” The lead bully yelled

I turned around and faced her sighing knowing what was coming.

¨I saw you talking to my boyfriend again I told you what would happen if you did.¨ She said menacingly ̈Look Alice I have to talk to him he's my partner for the english project.¨ ̈Aw look at little Y/N trying to stand up to me, not gonna work sweetheart. Grab her.¨

Alice and her team of girls grabbed me we were in the bathroom so no one could see us. They held my head to look at Alice. She snickered and punched me right in the gut before I could do anything I was being stomped on it only stopped when it was time to go home.

I jumped into the impala with Dean and threw my stuff in the back. Alice and her goons were smart they never hit my face just places no one would see. I laid my head on the window and just tried to forget what happened.

¨Hey Y/N/N you okay?¨ ̈ ̈Yeah I am.¨ I said back trying to fake happiness

Dean didn't want to push he could tell I was a little upset but he probably thought it my time of the month. We arrived back to the bunker I got out grabbed my stuff and went straight to my room. Id been doing this lately so Sam and Dean didn't think anything of it. But Cas saw me he usually wasn't around at this time of the day. He saw me run to my room he stopped Dean and asked him what was wrong with me. Dean just told him it was probably my time of the month.

I threw my bookbag on the bed and ran to my bathroom and locked the door. Only then did I let the tears come. I opened the medicine cabinet and opened the secret compartment I had put in there and grabbed my blades. I made a few cuts just enough to subside the pain. Then I heard my door open. ̈Y/N are you okay ̈ Castiel asked ̈ ̈Yeah I am.¨

¨okay.̈ Cas said uncertain

With that he closed my door and left I spent the rest of the day in my room. My phone kept buzzing it was getting to the point I wasn't even looking anymore. All the texts were from Alice and some other bullies all saying the same thing. KILL YOURSELF, FREAK, SLUT. Then one more text from Alice saying ̈Hey Y/N I'll see you tomorrow, can't wait to continue our game.¨ In that moment I decided I was done with this all of it. So I wrote a note to my brothers and Cas. It said

Dear; Sam, Dean, and Cas

I'm so sorry but I can't do this anymore. I love you all and I know you can overcome whatever comes your way without me. I just can't keep living like this.

Love Y/N Winchester your sister forever

I read over my note a few times and shook my head and stood up and jumped out of my window and began to run for the woods. I didn't want them to have to find my body so I ran.

Dean's and Sam's Perspective

̈Y/N seems very upset today.¨ Cas stated ̈Yeah she hasn't come out of her room at all.¨ Sam said looking worried

I'll go check on her.̈ Dean said getting up

Dean walked to his sisters room and knocked on the door when there was not a reply he assumed you were sleeping. He was in for a rude awakening he yelled for Sam and Cas once he saw you weren't in your room. Sam and Cas came running you had left you window open and your phone was on the floor. Sam picked it up and saw all of the messages becoming angry. Cas found the suicide note. ̈ ̈Dean! Y/N is going to kill herself ̈ Cas stated throwing the note at Dean and jumped out of the window to find you. Sam and Dean read it quickly realizing then they too jumped out of the window. Cas was the one who found you on the forest floor barely alive with slit wrists. He called for Sam and Dean as he picked you up. He healed you as they came running. Your body was limp in Cas´s arms. Cas started running for the bunker ignoring Sam and Dean coming behind him. He sat you down on the couch and he ran to get first aid supplies his grace couldn't heal you fully but he would not let you die. He pushed past Sam and Dean and began stitching you up. At this point your brothers couldn't hold it together any longer and collapsed to the ground in tears even Dean. When Cas finished he turned to you brothers. ̈ ̈ She'll be alright.¨

¨HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT CAS LOOK AT HER LOOK AT HER!̈ Dean screamed I should have done something I could have stopped this I saw she was upset but I did nothing. ̈ ̈Dean don't beat yourself up we all saw it we all ignored it ignored her let her pull away from us were all to blame. Sam choked out through tears

Cas sat on the ground with your brothers and held them as they cried. Cas felt he was the one to blame the most he knew you were not okay he could feel your pain yet he let you sit in the bathroom and cry. He knew you had felt like this for months but did nothing he was the one to blame.

Y/N Perspective

Hours later

I woke up in my bed with a splitting headache and I realized I had failed I was still alive or in Heaven. But id been in Heaven before this wasn't it my door opened and Dean walked through. He looked so happy seeing me alive and yelled for Sam and Cas and hugged me. ̈Y/N/N you're alive its okay im here they'll never hurt you again I promise ̈ he said not letting go of me I hadn't noticed Sam and Cas coming in.

Y/N Sam choked out and hugged me too. Why didn't you tell us what was happening at school I saw the text messages you could've came to us we could've helped you.

I didn't think it was bad enough to come to you I mean we fight monsters what are a few bullies.

Cas sighed Y/N i'm sorry we didn't notice earlier. Just please never do this again.

Okay. I sighed

Then all three of them grabbed me in a bear hug and we stayed like that on my bed until I could stop crying.