Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews: Episode 8- The wedding proposal disguised as war (faux-war)
Tagging @chaanv, @shaonharryandpannisim, @medhasree, @avani008, @butchcaroldanvers, @mayavanavihariniharini, @iamnotthat, @enigma-the-mysterious
This episode begins on a dramatic war footing. Since I saw the precap attached with the last episode, I know that a war is not happening, because everyone’s scared shitless of Bhishm, the paragon of perfection. The army of Gandhar rolls out in good order, accompanied by the shouting of orders from the senapati. For some reason, the Rajguru is also walking with the King and the senapati. Aren’t Brahmanas supposed to stay away from war? Except Dron, but he’s a special case. In the background, some dudes are doing push-ups. What for? Idk. “Close the doors! What is the news?” “It’s a huge army, flowing like the Indus. They have food too, they’re prepared for attack.” In what world is an opposing army described like this, really? “Whose army is it?” “I could not see the chariot of a King, Maharaj, but I could see the chariot on the lead.” Okay, obviously, it’s Bhishm. Let’s see how he’s flattered here. “White horsed-chariot, like it’s the chariot of Surya Narayan himself…” Does the Sun God have white horses on his chariot? I’ve never heard of that. Arjun does, though, that I do recall. The camera focuses on white galloping horses. “The chariot has a white flag, too, Maharaj.” The camera focuses on the aforementioned flag. It looks suspiciously like what will be the flag of Indraprastha in the future, I need to check that out again. The man riding on the chariot is as effulgent as the Sun. He’s wearing decorated armor, his arm muscles like trees, his eyes are like twin fireballs, he also has the symbol of the Moon God on his forehead.” While this description is going on, the camera focuses on each mentioned part of Bhishm. You know, I’m not sure if the man describing Bhishm is actually from Gandhar. How can I know he isn’t a spy? I mean, no one describes enemies like this. Seriously, the man sounds like he’s drooling over Bhishm. “This warrior is none but the best of the Kauravas, the son of Maharaj Shantanu and Mahamata Ganga” this from the Rajguru. “Bhishm.” The King. Bhishm theme plays, camera focusing on him and his army. Almost three minutes of the entire episode, more than 10% of it, has been spent on his entry alone. Camera focuses on Gandhari striding through a hall. “Mata, what is happening?” “Have you not heard? Hastinapur has attacked Gandhar.” “What will happen now?” Another lady says “Gandhar’s army can’t stand against Hastinapur. Gandhar’s forts will be breached in days. Rivers of blood will flow. We will be ash.” (Side note: Rivers of blood will flow/Rakht ki daarayen bahengi seems to be a favorite line. Arjun says it too, after Cheerharan, when he does a title drop.) “Admitting defeat before actual defeat is not worthy.” The Queen says. “Forgive me, Rajmata. However, Gandhar has not seen a war in many years…” She goes off on a tirade about what happens to defeated cities in war. It’s too much, as there isn’t gonna be a war anyway, so I’m desisting from writing the whole thing. Oh, that lady is Arshi, Shakuni’s wife in this show, as Gandhari calls her Bhabhishree. “What do we do now?” Gandhari asks. “What women do in war. Wait for darkness, and then…” Gandhari strides to the front and takes a sword from its sheath. “Bhabhi, lift a weapon. I am joining the war. It terrifies me as much as darkness, I was told by Gurudev that to get rid of fears, we must face them.” Why do you sleep in a room full of lights then, lady? “When death is certain, I shall die in the battle field.” Shit. Krishna Gyaan. This is about fear of loss. Skip, skip, skip. “The time to fly a flag is here, Maharaj. Which should it be? Red for war or white for surrender?” “Dishonor or death. Both of them seem blacker than ever to me.” “We have to furl one, Maharaj.” “The army has stopped, Maharaj!” “Amazing. They have furled the yellow flag of friendship.” It is rather amazing that Bhishm came with an army instead of a deputation, the minister is absolutely right. “Open the gates!” The King and his entourage go down to meet Bhishm. “If he wanted to talk, why the army?” Good question, senapati ji. “He must have come to exhibit his talent to us,” But, mantri ji, isn’t that done alone? What does he need an army for? “But why?” asks the King. Good question, again. “We have not offended Hastinapur. After drunk kid’s death (he doesn’t call him drunk kid, obviously), for 25 years, the throne has been empty. Yet, we have not attacked them or made treaties with their enemies. Why the need for this in front of friends?” “The show of strength is done in front of friends only when you need something from them.” This episode is dragging so much. ALL Of IT TILL NOW IS NON-CANON. And there are still 13 freaking minutes left! Aaargh! “What does a warrior like Bhishm need from us?” What else, Mr. Doofus King? Your daughter who has the boon of 100 children. Bhishm theme plays as he dismounts. Saubala joins his hands, his soldiers kneel. Mr. Paragon of Perfection lays a hand on Saubala’s shoulder. “A King should join his hands only to God. He should greet a friend and punish a foe, only in that is his pride,” he says gently. “Your radiance is not less than any God’s, son of Ganga.” NO! Someone please rescue me from this whitewashing, should I call it glitterwashing? Of course, he’s modest as ever. “I am no King, merely the servant of Hastinapur. My place is not above you.” “Your talents are more than any King’s, son of Ganga.” “The question of talent comes when there is war. I am here to meet my friend, for deepening our friendship” What the hell did you bring your army for then? Happy music plays. “To welcome a friend like you is Gandhar’s good luck.” Saubala and Bhishm hug, as the soldiers cheer him. Gandhari runs into a chamber. “Bhabhi, Bhishm is here for the hand of friendship.” “I heard.” “What do you think? Is he pretending friendship and planning war?” “I’ve heard that Bhishm never lies.” “I’ve heard that there is none stronger than him in the entire of Aryavrat.” Aaah! If I hear more, my ears will bleed. “Yes, Sukhda. Even Parashuram couldn’t defeat him.” “A strong man always seems calm, Bhabhi. Let’s see if he’s actually strong or we have heard tall stories.” “I want to ask what he needs from Gandhar,” says Arshi. Scene changes. The men are reclining in thrones, along with the Queen. “Disperse.” The Queen commands her servants. “Such a beautiful welcome and love fills my heart.” Gandhari is at the entry of the room, peeking in. “I am sure you have educated your daughter and daughter in law with such courtesy also.” Bhishm, finally getting to the point, right? Phew. “What can a little country like Gandhar give to a nation as large and powerful as Kururashtra?” “A future. And happiness in the future. You might know that no King has ever attacked you because you have the protection of Kururashtra. If Kururashtra and Gandhar become one, it will be good for both of us.” “Such a thing occurs between two equal Kingdoms. Gandhar serves Hastinapur, son of Ganga.” What kind of a king are you, Saubala? I’m sure canon Saubala is not this much of a doormat. CANON FAIL. “That is why I asked for a relationship, not friendship,” says Bhishm. “A marriage proposal.” FINALLY, after 14 minutes of posturing, we get to the DAMN POINT! Gandhari, still standing at the entry, looks at Sukhdha. The other adults also look at each other. “Your daughter Gandhari is famous for her beauty and virtues in the entire of Aryavrat. We have a marriage proposal for her. Please do not deny us.” “But you have taken an oath of celibacy, have you not, son of Ganga?” asks the Queen. Thankfully, he has. Bhishm looks down, then starts to laugh. “The princess will wed a Prince of Kururashtra, not me.” Happiness blooms everywhere. “Gandhari is like a daughter to me.” “I think this is a right thing to do.” Says the Queen. “Where can we find a better husband than Prince Pandu?” “Dhritrashtra.” Everyone except Bhishm looks stricken. I can kinda understand them. “Where did Pandu get into this? He’s the younger son. Dhritrashtra is the elder. Maharaj, I am thinking of Dhritrashtra. Think about it. Even a sculptor’s wife can have 100 children (wait, how? People don’t live for a 100 years, how the hell can anyone have 100 children right off the bat?) but they will be building sculptures, not a Kingdom. It is not the number of children that matters, what matters is their virtue. Not everyone has the luck of giving birth to 100 sons of Kuruvansh.” Ugh. Even typing out this sentence is making me feel dirty. “But Mahamahim, my daughter is beautiful, knowledgeable and a warrior. Dhritrashtra, you know what he is.” Ah, ableism is the issue. I don’t blame her, tho. It’s kinda a human flaw. Bhishm stands. “Dhritrashtra is also skilled in all things. You do not know his abilities, Maharani Sudharma.” He goes on to give an excessive intro of Dhritrashtra, adding that Gandhari will be very lucky to have him. The scene changes. Gandhari and her maid are laughing together. “Where are you going? It is not time yet to go far away.” “Let her go. My sister-in-law is entitled to her pride. There’s a proposal for her from such a kingdom, after all.” “There’s nothing like that, Bhabhi!” “It’s alright even if it is like that, Gandhari. No Kingdom is as rich as Hastina in the world!” “I have heard the same, Princess. I keep trying to imagine, how Hastinapur shall be…” “Hastinapur…” trails Gandhari. “If you form ties with us, you shall be Emperor Suabala instead of a King.” “You mean, you are here to take advantage of us by showing your strength.” “I am here to make the royal family of Gandhar as my family. There is no question of taking advantage in a family.” Ah, veiled threats. Scene changes. “So what if it’s a big Kingdom?” asks Gandhari. “Our Gandhar is not weak. Regardless, a marriage is not with a Kingdom, it’s with a Prince.” Gandhari bites her finger. She’s clearly said too much. “Already fantasizing about hubby dear?” Ugh. Too sweet for me. “Bhabhi!” Gandhari blushes. Scene changes again. “As I see it, their match is made in heaven,” says Bhishm. “We do not wish to force you.” Ah, hypocrisy too. “Clear your doubts before you make a decision.” Saubala walks to his throne. “So, what do you decide?” Scene changes to Gandhari once more. “The Prince of Hastinapur is like Indra among men.” Indra again. “Kururashtra’s men and women worship their Princes like Gods.” That they do in canon too. Scene changes again, camera focusing on the back of a man. “Bhabi, what’s his name?” asks Gandhari. “What are you going to do knowing his name? Women don’t call their husbands by their name.” “Tell me his name, Bhabhi.” “Dhritrashtra.” “Prince Dhritrashtra”. The camera focuses on Dhritrashtra flexing his muscles. Precap: Dhritrashtra faces an elephant. “How will I tell my daughter that I traded her happiness for the people? When Shakuni comes to know, what will he do?” I am confused. Gandhari seemed happy enough. ANYWAY. THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS NON-CANON. The only thing mentioned in canon is that Bhishm approached Gandhar for Gandhari’s hand with a deputation (not an army), he got the same. Shakuni was actually happy about it.
I’ve already reached 10k words of roasting StarBharat. Seems this is a longer exercise than Antraatman, which is a literal novel. Imagine the sheer number of canon fails in this thing.