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I have realised that my biggest fear is running out of words. Of not having anything else to say. Losing the rush that comes with thinking of an idea and scrambling to write it down. If I do not have my words, then who am I? If I do not have my stories, then what am I doing?
Maybe, it doesn't always matter that you did it because you felt obliged too. Maybe, it doesn't always matter that you did it to alleviate your own guilt. Maybe, it doesn't always matter that they look at you like you are a better person than you think you are and that feels you with a dread. Maybe, what matters is that you helped them. maybe, what matters is you made the decision to do the good thing, even though it was hard. Maybe, what matters is that they are here to look at you like you are a good person because that's what you are. Maybe it's enough.
In times of crisis, I turn to the world of fantasy to escape from my own life, even if it's just for a few minutes and in times of sadness, I turn to the films about normal people who learn to leap to remember that it will be okay and in times of anger, I turn to the music that says what I cannot and in times of happiness, I turn to the dances I learnt as a child in the playground so what I am trying to saying is that wherever we turn, whatever we feel, no matter what happens, the infinite number of art forms are there for us, and that is the reason that you must keep creating because if you don't, then you will never know just how much the world needed your story. Because sometimes the world is just one person, and sometimes that one person is you.
[40/365 days of things that make me smile] 26.07.21
How much people just want you to be okay.
How much the people that love you most just want you to be happy.
How much the people that care about you are willing to do to make sure you understand they love you and they will be there for you.
It’s just… there’s something so moving about being so honest with someone and having them not flinch, but try to understand instead.
[22/365 days of things that make me smile] 29.05.21
Good teachers.
Good teachers who listen instead of judging and who do their best to listen and help students instead of ignoring them.
Good teachers who try their best, no matter how underpaid they are.
Good teachers who think they're just going their job, but in reality are doing so much more.
Just, good teachers.
The Happy Jar (06/01/22)
tw: food mention
1. We ordered pizza for lunch and then I had the leftovers for dinner and it was good pizza
2. I finished part one of a fic for the someone to stay AU, and it was very fun to write and I'm quite proud of the idea
3. I spent AGES on the phone to one of my friends that I haven't spoken to in a very long amount of time, and it was just a nice time, and I'm really proud of everything she's been up to
Maybe I am just a silly fool, but I think I’m a little in love with the idea of getting married. If I ever do get married, it will be because I chose someone. Because I love someone enough to spend the rest of my life with them.
But also, if I do, it will be my choice.
It will be my decision.
So many of the women in my family didn’t get to choose their spouse. So many of the people in my family don’t actually love the person they married. Not in the way they’re meant to.
But if I have a spouse, if I get married, I will.
I will love them, and it will be all those women ever wanted for themselves and the future and it will be a step in the right direction. A small step. But a step nonetheless.
And I’ll be what they couldn’t: happy, and in love.
I am slowly learning that not every piece of writing has to be a masterpiece. It does not have to be hundreds of thousands words worth of beauty and goodness.
It can be objectively terrible. It can be less than a hundred words.
But that does not mean that I cannot be proud of it. I can be proud of everything I write, because it is something I have created, and I deserve to feel that pride.
Everything you create is worthy of your love. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise.
