I'm Not Here
“—I wonder whether shelf elves are sometimes humans who are able to reach from the future or the after life and teaser in on us.” From the book Sidewalk Oracles p14
I read this this morning—tacked the post card flyer for the movie “I’m Not Here” on the wall neath Jim’s pics, and left for the movie… which, was about a 60 year old alcoholic man pondering suicide Re:traumatic life events. At one point his 30 year old self see’s him—and—he sees his 30 year old self. All through the film, based on chance findings of things from the past, the past flashes back. As a result, the 60 year old awakens and he “can see” the truth of his reality.
My journal entry 3/9/2919.
(Jim was my gay partner of 12 years who died in 2009)
Note 7/8/2025
Through many years of my life, before the days of the internet and I phones, I taped things off of the radio to cassette tapes. I also kept tapes from my phone answering machine. I probably have one thousand of those tapes around the house. I played one of the tapes last Sunday. It was from my phone answering machine in 1995. In the 80s and 90s, prior to obtaining my first portable phone, if I wasn’t home to take a call, the caller could leave a call on my answering machine. The tape I listened to was from the summer of 1995. There were the voices of my mother and my sister. That summer, as a Deputy Public Defender attorney, I was representing a man charged with a gang related murder in a jury trial. I turned 40 during that trial. I also had an Aids match named Donald G who was dying of Aids. As I listened to the phone tape play, the summer of '95 pounded along. Like the 60 year old in “I’m Not Here”, I was confronted by my younger self, in my case my 40 year old self. The trial was stressful and didn’t end until after the 4th of July. I was told of Donald G's death in early August through a message on that phone tape. Several boy friends and other friends also left messages. My mother and sister have since died so hearing them talk on the tape was moving. By the tape's ending, I was somewhat devastated and was wondering how I survived that rugged summer (I was also having gay related political problems related to my Deputy Public Defender’s job that summer which came up on the tape.) What my 40 year old self proved to me was that if I could get through the events of the summer of ’95, I can get through the Trump authoritarian nightmare of ’25. He also showed me that despite the fact that I became estranged from my mother by 2011, we had a good relationship when I was 40.
FurtherNotes 7/8/2025:
I matched with several men with Aids through two aids organizations between 1986 and 1995. One of these was the Stanislaus County Aids Project. (SCAP) . Donald G ' a gay man, was my SCAP match. We helped our Aids matches through their illness and death. In the above '95 phone tape, Christina who managed the Stanislaus Aids Project left several messages regarding Donald G and the status of his case.
