#sunbun talks

[spoonless-sunflower]

We got the apartment 😭😭😭

[spoonless-sunflower]

Merry Christmas. I got the higher paying job 😊🎄

[spoonless-sunflower]

Just found out that I didn't get the job 😔

Apparently I did really well during the interview triathalon. They seem to like me just fine. But they simply needed to fill the director position before they could fill the lower ones and their top pick for that one fell through. So they had to pull the position I applied for off the shelf.

You know what the weirdest part of that is?

The last job I got this close to getting? The last one I was excited about and posted here about? I also didn't get it for the same reason. The position was pulled off the shelf suddenly.

It's making me wonder, is this some excuse companies make up when they don't want to give you a real answer? Is it a common occurence? Or is fate really desperately trying to lead me somewhere?

Am I not supposed to be getting enticed by good pay and benefits? Should I focus elswhere? I already put too much time into trying to get somewhere in art. I can't afford not to go the practical route right now.

Oh well. You never know where you're being led until you get there. I have no control. I just have to keep moving forward and my choice is practical. I have bills to pay. We'll see where I end up.

I'm honestly feeling pretty miserable rn. But I'm going to try and believe I'll end up somewhere worth the wait.

[spoonless-sunflower]

I got my eyebrows done the other day!! Its been so long!!

I finally found an eyebrow lady who shapes them the way I like and I immediately felt more cleaned up and confident.

I also let myself buy one new outfit. I had stopped shopping completely bc of our money issues but I just wasnt feeling any of my clothes anymore and I was feeling frumpy and sad in all of my outfits.

It was scary to spend on myself tbh. I was anxious about it all day. But it also felt really good! It reminded me that I deserved to have nice things and to feel good about myself.

I also splurged on a couple of nail care things I'd been sitting on bc why not 👀

Next it's time to start taking care of this body's food intake again. I'd given myself license to eat bc I've so stressed out. But I dont feel very well bc of it lately. I love being fat and broad and I always will be, but I also need to feel like my joints, posture, and fibro are in check so a bit less constant eating and a little more exercise would help me feel better.

It'd also just help me feel more in control. I have an unhealthy relationship with food bc of my mom and my doctors and illness. And I hate that uncontrollable urge to eat /all the time/. I just want to eat when /I/ decide its time.

[spoonless-sunflower]

Someone finally answered me back from the software company but they just answered me back telling me that they'll get back to me soon OTL

[spoonless-sunflower]

Earlier this week I was off the wall anxious and now I'm just "can't get up" depressed.

I've ignored my freelance job for ge past 2 days. Some house things got done but mostly I just binge watched light Netflix sitcoms and ate junk food.

Why don't I want to get up? Actually I think part of it may be my phone now that I think about it. This used to happen all the time. I get tired. I get depressed. My hands immediately reaches to my phone to feel better and then I just end up laying here.

At the same time I feel like if I got up and started working I'd break down crying. Im not sure why. I think im in a lot of pain with these changing weather. And I'm just afraid of sitting up and working and doing badly and working slowly and trying to keep up with this body and feeling shitty when I fail.

Lately I feel like I let that fear stop me from doing just about anything fulfilling. But I'm not really sure how to get around it.

The first step is probably to let go of my phone and exist in the real world. I honestly feel like I haven't existed in days. I feel dazed and confused when I put my phone down. But I also don't really have anything fun going on off of it so what's there point? Im just tired.

[spoonless-sunflower]

Discovered Ben & Jerry's non-dairy ice cream the other day and it was so good!! Or at least the flavor I got was haha.

I keep trying lots of vegan or non dairy ice creams bc of my allergies and I still haven't been able to find one with a good mint chocolate chip flavor though. The best flavor...one day it will return to me...I believe!! 😭

[spoonless-sunflower]

My relationship:

My relationship with Leo was certainly a rollercoaster on this trip.

For the most part, it was really good. For once we would do things separately for the first time in months and it was great to meet up at the end of the day, snuggle up, and tell each other about our adventures.

One day, she told me that one of our mutual friends and their partner had decided they were going to get married. No proposal. Just a decision. It made me really happy! They're good together. Like Leo and I, they clicked right off the bat and the relationship snowballed quickly and wonderfully. I asked Leo when she was going to agree to marry me too. I was half joking since I know she's always on the fence about marriage. I was surprised when she replied "when you ask me." We talked about it a bit and I realized we were both in the same boat now regarding marriage which was pretty exciting. But I wouldnt be asking her anytime soon since we discussed previously about having more stable jobs and housing before getting married if we decide to do so. Still, knowing that if I asked her, she'd say yes...it made me so happy.

Aaand then a couple of days later we ran into a little bump 😬

I traveled with her overnight one day of our trip to a small town to visit her old friends. One of which was her ex. I have met this ex before and, despite my being the jealous type, tried my best to get along and make friends. Honestly that part went great both times. All of Leo's friends are amazing and even though I'm a little uncomfortable about it, I knew going in that Leo was going to remain friends with her exes and I trust her enough to deal with that.

But it was sooo much more miserable for me this time than the first time. Leo is a doting friend in general but her doting for this one ex was over the top. And there were some small exchanges that I just could not handle (a kiss on the forehead, touching her hand or her leg etc) and I put up with it all night bc I didnt want to ruin the one evening she had with her group of friends in the small town.

When we left, I brought it up and Leo felt so bad. She hadn't realized she was doing anything that would make me uncomfortable and apologized. But it still ate at me for another day or two and made me feel really lonely.

I felt like a jerk for feeling so insecure and wanting to limit her contact with someone so important to her (this ex took Leo into their home for months when they first ran away to transition and played a big part in her life) even though I KNOW Leo broke up with this ex and literally moved across timezones for me.

I ended up feeling sad about it for days and brought it up again for a longer discussion. Thankfully Leo didnt think I was being jealous or petty. I told her what kind of contact and interactions I really needed to be limited or cut out and she agreed and said she'd talk to her ex about it to and let her know their new boundaries. She calmly assured me that this would not effect their friendship and that she's completely committed to our relationship so ofc she would compromise with me.

I think the whole thing actually made me extra anxious BECAUSE we had talked about marriage not long before it. When I first started dating Leo, I knew she had been poly and never thought we'd make it this far bc I thought she wouldnt be happy being monogamous or that just the difference in our views may cause trouble and I was scared that it might finally be happening. Not in a "I think she's gonna cheat on me" kinda way. I trust her. But in a "we view physical affection pretty differently and I get jealous easily" kinda way.

It's been a year and a half together and I realize that the reason we work, even through all of our issues, is because we have these talks even though they're terrifying and hard. We both want this relationship to last. Im really glad I have a partner who I feel comfortable talking to about the hard topics.

Now that it's all off my chest, I'm feeling happy and at home back in our little West Coast apartment together 💕