A Sick Diary

[Sun][they/them][30][spoonie] An ace/lesbian illustrator. I'm working on being kinder to myself & reblogging sick boys & cute things in between 🌻

[fines-princess]

[spoonless-sunflower]

After a year of barely talking, I finally reached out and successfully made up with my younger brother today ;_;

It was a bit of a difficult convo, he clearly had his guard up, and he said some hurtful words at the start. But I stayed calm and tried to reassure him I wasn't making accusations. I was only trying to talk things out because I cared about him.

I was really scared to ask if he still wanted to be close. And started crying when he said he thinks about me all the time and reminisces about all the fun things we used to do together.

I feel that I understand some parts of him a bit better this time around too. This past year, I had a lot of opportunities to educate myself on mental health. Its allowed me to understand myself, my partner, and the other people in my life a lot more and to extend more patience in certain situations.

So even though he said some particularly hurtful words at the start, I felt more like I understood why that happened, not just from a shared trauma standpoint this time but from a neurodivergency standpoint as well. Emotional regulation is something I never realized I and probably most of my family struggle with greatly. It doesn't mean I'll excuse all of his behavior, but I love and trust my younger brother. He's always been a kind and patient person. Thats why, even today, we were able to work things out again. Im so grateful. I hope that I can keep being patient and share some of these tools with him over time.

[1xings]

Singing十一

[spoonless-sunflower]

Current Pain Level:

I have been holding in a scream for 2 days

[seerin]

[spoonless-sunflower]

There's someone I have blocked on one of my other accts bc I didnt like how they conducted themselves online and then they also got super weird and disrespectful when they confronted me about it.

Anyway, we unfortunately are in the same very small, niche fandom and share a lot of the same mutuals. Its really frustrating bc theyre a much younger adult, practically a teenager. So I dont really hold their behavior against them too much. Def not to the point where im gonna call them out publicly or anything. I think theyre just young and neurodivergent and going thru a hard time at home and handling some situations poorly. I too, remember being incredibly angry at that age for basically all the same reasons lol.

But some things they did def stressed me out and even though I have them blocked and dont think about them 99% of the time, every now and then, their posts pop up if im scrolling directly on someone else's blog bc I guess blocks dont work on reblogs in those cases. Or i see someone mentioning them or chatting with them in tags.

And for whatever reason, I always have such a strong reaction to it. I think its bc it always feels like a jumpscare bc for the most part theyre out of sight out of mind.

I feel like, rationally, I don't have to have nearly such a strong reaction. After all, it doesn't seem like they've tried to badmouth me in our little community. And even if they did, tbh who cares? I wouldn't want to be around anyone who would just believe things like that so easily.

The kid is just such a fire starter so they make me nervous. Remembering they exist reminds me theres a possible "threat to my safety" (my friendships). Or makes me irrationally feel like if someone is friends with them than they are choosing them over me or they may have heard bad things about me.

Idk. I wish I wasnt such an overthinker. Its not that deep. My body reacts so largely to every little thing and perceives it as a threat. I wish I could just calm down and have fun and go on with my life.

[1xings]

多次拒绝炸chicken

[spoonless-sunflower]

I love when I self isolate and then I feel miserable and alone bc I chose to self isolate.

[raingoesup]

romeo & cinderella 🍎

[spoonless-sunflower]

Things have been going better with my partner and I but I just cant seem to get her to understand my feelings on this matter.

I get that sometimes she has a hard time being vulnerable and communicating straight out what she wants or what shes thinking. And im understanding about the fact that its not something that will get better over night.

But its when she is so afraid to communicate straight out that it takes me until after a conversation to realize that there was an agenda to the conversation that Im hurt and upset and that its a really big problem bc its a breach od trust.

When she doesnt actually tell me what shes trying to get out of the convo, even if she doesnt mean to, shes manipulating the conversation and not being straightforward with me. I feel kind of lied to and betrayed. And it wouldn't be a huge deal if it was a small thing that happened once or twice but she has broken the trust in our relationship in a lot of different ways over the years and im the one who has to put in the work to rebuild that trust on my end every single time which is not an easy thing to do.

At some point, it wont be up to me anymore. It will simply be broken beyond repair. And I dont feel like she's understands that. Shes treating this like its any other small mistake shes made that Im just supposed to get over after being upset for an hour but its not. This kind of thing cannot continue to be a repeated offense.

Its just so frustrating bc I know she has a hard time putting herself in my shoes and fully understanding where im coming from. And that shes a kind person who doesnt mean any harm. Shes trying her best to understand and be there but its so hard for us to reach that understanding sometimes so im just deeply deeply frustrated trying to figure out how to get there.

[strawberry4milk]

strawberry&raspberry desserts

[spoonless-sunflower]

Trying to take things a step at a time today and do things that make me happy in between.

But that overwhelming feeling of joy i usually get from indulging in my hyperfixations just isnt hitting. Its making me feel even more depressed.

Im so sad. Its somehow really lonely that my favorite thing. My greatest indulgence, my characters and all that, are just doing nothing for me rn when usually when im feeling down it just takes one post about The Character to have me in Hyperfixation Mode and filled with serotonin.

Aaah this really sucks.

[nazwaannerine]

fine🪽

[spoonless-sunflower]

I really just wanna die already its all too much. Its way too much effort to be alive.

[1xings]

一嗷瑶

[spoonless-sunflower]

Our car is barely functioning and we have nowhere near enough income to replace it right now. I feel like theres so much pressure on me to find an income and fast and im trying so many different avenues but nothing is really coming my way. There's only so much I can do and I can only do it so fast. Ive found myself over and over again in that old feeling of sheer frustration at my disabled body and its limitations.

I hate that so much. Its so unfair to my body, thats worked so hard to stay alive and keep going in this shitty society that isnt built for it. Its doing its best to keep me here and yet im getting upset at it for not being able to do more. I feel like a lousy parent scolding my kid for something out of their control or for never being good enough. I know I shouldn't talk to my body - to myself- the way my parents talked to me.

Meanwhile, my partner has only ever kept saying "thank you for all your efforts honey. Thanks for trying so hard for us honey"

It makes me want to cry that even when i havent been able to bring in a dime in months, she acknowledges and appreciates my hard work. Ive never been treated like that before. My head is in such a bad space right now too that such kindness is seriously making me sob.

She reminds me how I want to be talking to myself and to others too. I want to erase the voice of my abusive parents and replace it with that voice of love.

[takkyei]