#sundaeaddams

[n0tanxious]

thank you for finding jesus christ

again and again, again and again, again and again / you’re scouring through the medicine cabinet,

in marlboro light lipstick, in half-off synthetic hair extensions, in cardboard signs ‘i was crying in my truck this morning’

while i stayed up practicing making out with sun spectacles / with the telephone plugged in / with the bedroom door closed, a note attached to the knob

‘soon you’ll be ecstatic i forgot to put gas in your car, left a half cigarette in my pocket, and only broke half of your fingers,

soon you’ll feel a bit more gratitude,

kiss more privately, make love on barren highways…

think about killing yourself, less and less

or not’

[n0tanxious]

a multi-course meal of polished cuticles

i. pretending to walk through the foggy woods again, in a reoccurring garden hose night terror, without the elderly neighbor’s complaints,

or need to call the cops if i stop (just a little too long) to name a white-throated sparrow “it costs too much to go bowling on friday nights”

or maybe need to tie my shoes…

ii. and sometimes i catch myself wondering where you’ve been, siphoning gasoline…

masturbating to a motel television, collecting golf balls from cracked car windows,

text me to let me know you made it home safe

[n0tanxious]

you’ve changed too much

turns out carving a cyst out of your pubic line with a blunt spork is not a good idea for your mental health

in layman’s terms, found your name in the middle of yesterday’s obituary, and masturbated for approximately three hours to the word ‘was’

filmed some exclusive footage,

reminiscent of my mouth on your mouth, spitting up canary yellow insects and pawn shop accordions…

neither of us fall asleep

[n0tanxious]

you exited the bowling alley around midnight

i. suggested you wear something other than a lobotomy to your grandmothers funeral / as if we’d find time to fuck each other in pews ‘til we create coruscant nosebleeds with our blistered tug-of-war fingertips

ii. under your welcome mat is a place where people pray for fermented ibs symptoms, nocturnal yeast infections, and symbolic herniated discs,

where they reply back to text messages slowly, like edging yourself with a discourteous machete in fluorescent tattoo lighting.

[n0tanxious]

how to disappear completely

i.

your mood shifts like the sanguine lipstick stains on your mattress / removed the yellow pillows, the front door and the synonyms for your last name

refused to let go of perfectionism, of negative self talk / of red and yellow onions while you were sobbing though we’ve spent dreams slow dancing in your chest pain and church step nostalgia.

ii.

don’t you see it? / i used to stow myself away in the strand of hair behind your ear, and listen to the executions,

the moans from wooden staircases and men whose eyes filled with caramel manuscripts and cups of lukewarm piss when you spoke nicely about scythes.

[n0tanxious]

self-portrait on a couch at night

i wish you were here sucking on my pierced nipples, no, no, no, no, no… had that night terror again through faulty binoculars, where we kiss using only splintered kitchen plates, damp linoleum tiles and crumbling front cavities,

but how many times have you asked ‘are you okay’ today? five, six, seven, eight,

i want to give you a blowjob and never apologize for accidentally leaving the milk out on the kitchen counter again.

[n0tanxious]

couldn’t find a better outfit to wear

i. like a connecticut housefly (nervous about paying rent fifteen days late) i was terrified i would end up vomiting tousled mascara on your disgruntled abdomen and leave you missing someone else’s bedroom aura,

i’ll meet you there in five minutes…

ii. during a ninety second television advertisement, i realized i fell in love with you because of the way you polish honeycrisp apples with traumatic childhood memories, and argumentative ‘thank you, please come again’ shopping bags…

then you catch me outside without a jacket and ask me to come back inside before i contract an unseasonable cold or more punctuation, grammar errors.

[n0tanxious]

from the bottom of my heart, you need to shower

i.

‘when i hold you i wonder who you really are’ this was my inattentive ex. girlfriend’s favorite phrase

something, something, something, you’ve been exhibiting signs of depression (lack of an appetite, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep)

including playing the harmonica in a back handspring

soon it’ll all be (something, something, something) over and you’ll crash your ‘03 chevy into the holes in my front teeth without asking for my permission first