My dark womb
Into
My names Sofia or Sofie. In the summer of 2020 I sat in the yoga studio where I do a work trade at. We were having a meeting that day about reopening and rebranding under Fearvana Yoga. The owner Christa had decided to pair up with a nonprofit organization called Fearvana. In our meeting we had the speaker from Fearvana come in.
Akshay Nanavati spoke about the philosophy behind Fearvana and also spoke about their own experience. I what they spoke of really touched my heart. I had also gone through similar experiences with mental health and trauma. They spoke about facing their fear of the dark and doing a dark retreat. Something inside me said I need to experience this. After some help finding one I could afford and decided I was going to go. With barely any mediation experience, a fear of traveling alone, and barely any money to my name. I knew I was meant to go. This is my experience.
Arriving at the hermitage retreat in Guatemala
December 3rd.2020 its 3am I slept barely 4 hours, because of my nerves. I’m so exhausted I can’t even be anxious. I have a long trip. 2 hours to a layover in Florida 2 more to Guatemala and finally 4 hours to the retreat. Im finally sitting on the plane to take off i can barely keep my eyes open. I look out the window as the plane takes off. The sun is coming up and tears begin to pour down my cheeks. I did it i thought with little energy i wrote this.....
It is dark
the pitch black drab state of New Jersey
waiting exhaustion anxious pouring in me
small plane window breathing short breath
sound my comforting friend
easy melting in between strangers
the take off i feel the smile like that wondourous child, crosses my face
higher and higher.goodbye nameless home
i turn the sun makes a shatering presence
a rainbow sunrise laying upon the horizon
the tears fall down my cheeks
i have found hope yet again
i am in love, im alone once more
Many hours later drained i arrive at the hermitage retreat. I am greeted by one of the owners and take up. I am given a warm bowl of fresh food. I feel so grateful yet relutant my eating disorder screams at me but im too exhausted and eat happyily. I am at last brought to my room the budda cave. Modeled after the caves the buddist would sit in darkness for days. It is small but comfortable. There is only one candle lit. I am shown what the room will look like when the candle is unlit. Complete blackness. The owner looks at me you do not even know the blackness that you will be in. They see i am nervous. I tell them i am a wtich. They smile and give me words of comfort. They tell me to see this as a oppunity to go within myself. I am a witch and i am a femme. I know the darkness and there is nothing to be afraid of. I am safe there. I feel better. They lock the door. exhausted i lay in bed letting the candle still burn and take in the comfort of the light while i can, i fall asleep.
Day 1 the first day in darkness
I woke up hearing the knock on the latch door where breakfast was left for me. My eyes were open but they didnt feel open. It was pitch black no it was beyond pitch black it was voidless. You cant even imagine the darkness the blackness its undescribable. I was so exhausted i slept more waking up again i was scared to leave my bed i layed there for what felt forever. The thought of eating food and not being able to move my body was terrifing my eating disorder was yelling at me. I gave up i was so thirsty. I felt drunk moving was slow. Getting water into my water bottle out of the sink took so long. I drank so much i was so grateful to have water. Stretching and pacing back and forth i finally sat down to exhausted ah fresh tea a blessing. i had to eat. i struggled to open my mouth. I took a bite and told myself its ok eat. It took so long to swallow to chew i felt like a child eatting for the first time. I fell asleep. I slept most the day sleeping. to my surprise i went to the bathroom with ease. I suffer with ibs and experiance bowel back up severly when traveling. I layed down crying i realized i had neglected my body. I needed rest i needed food i needed to reset. My mind was so stressed all parts of me were. I needed to love myself more to take care of myself more.These things i realized that first day. At one point i layed on my yoga mat feeling so alone i cried and cried. I began to hold myself and hug myself. Sing to myself and sooth myself. Reminding myself i was not alone and i was ok. Eatting again was hard but i reminded myself i deserved food. I deserved rest. I felt so grateful. and i fell asleep deeply ..
Day 2 in the darkness
I wake up i had painful dreams. I lay in bed crying thinking about all the people who have hurt me in someway the people no longer in my life. I begin to talk to myself to sooth the emotional pain. I do not want to get out of bed i weep weep weep weep weep. I start to think of the people i do have in my life. I begin to realize how much love i do have in my life. This helps me get out of bed. The struggle of eatting food again i tell myself its ok i can eat its ok. I tell myself my body needs this i derseve it. I start to eat again slowly scared. I lay there for awhile i no longer want to move. Moving is hard being still and slow is hard for me. I think of the fresh towel i was able to get I can take a warm shower i think i feel grateful and finally im able to have some warmth. Im overwhelmed with joy i even begin to dance. I feel like myself giggling singing softy. My body feels good i am ok. Im grateful for my body, the tea i was brought, being able to have the space to just be to simply just be. Without the bustle of everyday human existance. Dinner is hard but i keep telling myself talking back to my eatting disorder telling myself i love you telling my body i love you. I have one more day left i feel eager to return home to start being more loving towards myself. To start being loving towards those i love to start being living my life again the way i want to live it. I hear the birds outside im not alone i dont feel alone anymore. I go to bed it is hard to fall asleep i am tired but so eager.
Day 3 in Darkness
It was hard to sleep with all the enthuisim i had and energy. Right at 9am when breakfast arrived i woke up straight away. For the first time since i arrived i felt awake. My body felt good. I felt so grateful everytime i drank water. I felt so grateful for the food and tea i received i felt so grateful to even just move my body and do yoga. I felt like nothing no i felt like myself without any labels without any outside influence from society i was free i was simply me. I was grateful to just finally be. I didnt feel tired after eatting i layed there for awhile i felt ok just laying. For the first time since i was there i began to mediate. I didnt force it it just happened. I felt like i could finally be still and be in my body for the first time in so long. I felt so grateful for the experiance. As the night approached i felt excited to go home and intergate all i learned into my daily life. Part of me felt sad and a bit nervous to leave the darkness. I felt at peace for that i was grateful. Sleeping that night was even harder. I listened to the birds and fell asleep once more.
Into light / coming out of the darkness
A knocking on my door came 5am Sunday morning. My last day in Guatemala. I was told the door was unlocked and could come out when I was ready. I was nervous and did not want to leave the dark. I pushed myself up. Opening the door feeling the cold air again. The sun was starting to come up. I felt high wobbling my legs shook I felt like a deer walking for the first time. I walked around the retreat everything was so bright so overwhelming so vivid. I walked slowly to the lake wow. I climbed a tree and felt at home. Looking at my face for the first time I did not recognize myself I looked so different. I was beautiful tired and beautiful. I didn’t have much time 2 hours later I thanked the owner packed my bag and went onto another long travel home.
Coming home to my womb
Coming home I became hyper sensitive to noises, light, etc. 3 months later I still struggle with sensitivity to these things. Having the experience of the dark retreat was one of the greatest blessing I’ve had. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know what to expect. What I did find there in the darkness was simple. I found myself again. In the dark I was my pure self without any outside influence. I realized what I needed was in me all along. My healing sat in my womb. My intuition, the place I had neglected and forgotten. I found myself finally again in darkness. Sometimes fear can be a door to liberation. I know it has been for me. I faced this fear going to the dark retreat and through that I found a start to my own personal liberation. As I drink tea today. The message on it reads “ The worst enemy we have is our fear”.
Big thanks to Akshay Nanavati and Fearvana. To my yoga family at Fearvana Yoga. My family for helping me get to Guatemala. The Hermitage Retreat for giving me this space and for being just so amazing to me. To the universe and whatever is out there that got me to this place! Thank you!!!
https://thehermitageretreats.com/2-2-2-dark-retreat/
https://fearvana.com
https://www.fearvanayoga.com