there’s a lot i will not say i cannot even admit it out loud or haven’t until now. and maybe if you knew you would understand how hard it is for me to hold on.
this is the truth.
why i cannot forgive.
why i hold some accountable.
age two weeks-5 years old:
-in baby sitter’s care: Kathy Sweet, Marysville CA, and her husband,
-Physical abuse and emotional and mental abuse.
-conditioned my brother and I to not speak, not cry out at pain
-she wouldn’t let us move or speak, if we did she would hit us until we stopped. she would hit our legs and claim we fell. she would feed my brother and i milk, knowing we were lactose intolerant. she would make us keep drinking until my brother would vomit, then she would hit him over and over and lock him in the dark basement. every time i defended my brother she would put spiders (my big fear) on my face and body and restrain me. she also hit me but it never worked in silencing me so she would hit my brother and i would stop to spare him. he was always weaker than me even though he was the older sibling. i was always the bad one who is beyond defiant. my brother, still to this day gets nosebleeds quite often, and when he would get them as a child she would make him put his face down on the concrete floor, balancing on his nose, and slap his head over and over, grinding his nose into the ground. sometimes she put us in changes. when my brother was learning to potty train she would often smash the toilet lid on his penis and if he cried she would hit his back with a belt.
-at school we were withdrawn, silent, flinched at every touch, obviously displaying signs of abuse.
-at home our parents screamed at each other so much they would forget to feed us from time to time and we were too scared to say anything.
age 6: my cousin killed himself.
age 7: i was molested and raped, by the speech therapist at Kynoch elementary school in Marysville, and on separate occasions by a family member and by the old man who had an art shop next to the soapstone store in Jackson CA.
my father had walked in on one of the rapes and told me not to tell anyone and let the person who did keep living with us.
age 10: my best friend killed them self.
age 11: my next best friend killed them self. his parents killed themselves separately after that.
i was molested by my uncle in-law
age 12: i was molestd by a teacher at the art academy in Marysville CA
age 13: the only “grandpa” i knew died. two of my friends committed suicide.
age 15: my grandma was stabbed 46 times by Sierra Gamache, and she died. the only person who had ever loved me had died. she died protecting me.
later that year, my closest friend was killed.
age 16: my sister told me my boyfriend raped her (years later she told me it wasn’t true and that she was just jealous of me). uncle dies.
age 17: i was abusing pills and alcohol and trying to kill myself. i got into an abusive relationship.
age 18: my boyfriend was beating me, raping me, and stabbed me. the day i left him i found out i was pregnant. (LB i am so grateful for you; you are worth it more than worth it)
-best friend commits suicide.
-another cousin committed suicide.
age 20-23: new bf beating me and raping me.
- three closest friends commit suicide.
for future use:
to my mother: you are emotionally and mentally abusive. you never were what a mother should be. i can forgive what you have done to me but not what you did to my brother, you know which brother i’m talking about. and i feel sorry for you.
to my father: you’re dead so you won’t be reading this.. but i will never forgive you. ever. you let everyone hurt me even though you knew it was wrong. you are the worst kind of coward.
to my sister Melissa: i feel sorry for you. i truly believe you need help and i hope you get it.
to my brother Elias: suicide is never an option. i love you always and forever.
to my brother Avi: i would die for you; i’d rather die than to have you keep feeling this pain. i would rather be tortured for eternity than for you to hurt like this for one day. i love you.
to my grandma Rose: (who has passed) thanks for the wisdom, thanks for the history lessons, thanks for the life skills, thanks for believing in me. i wish it would have been me who died that day instead of you. i’ve wanted to die everyday since i lost you. i feel so alone. i loved you i love you. i’ll be seeing you.
to Logan: I forgive you, I hope your life is wonderful. I loved you I love you.
to Sierra Gamache: I know you are coming for me. I’m waiting. And i will protect myself.
