#sunlovemoon

[sunlovemoon]

my funeral day

[sunlovemoon]

i sat in class today feeling like something inside me was rotting quietly while everyone else looked normal laughing, writing, living and i was just there holding my breath every few seconds because this weight in my chest wouldn’t leave me alone..college feels less like a place now n more like a room slowly closing in until i can hear my own heartbeat begging me to get out. my skin felt wrong on me today, my thoughts wouldn’t stop scratching at my head and i kept sitting there anyway like a ghost..i don’t know how to explain it but sometimes i feel so unbearably aware of myself that it makes me feel sick to exist.

[sunlovemoon]

sometimes i wonder who i would’ve been if my childhood didn’t teach me fear before it taught me love. i grew up becoming careful with my tone, my footsteps, my feelings like existing too loudly could ruin everything and now even in peaceful moments my mind still waits for something terrible to happenit’s exhausting carrying a younger version of yourself that never really felt safe anywhere, people think trauma looks loud but sometimes it just looks like someone smiling with tired eyes and apologizing too much i think a part of me has been grieving my lost childhood for years without ever finding the words for it. i'm exhausted from carrying memories that rot inside me like wounds that were never allowed to heal i miss the person i could’ve been if life had been kinder to me.

[sunlovemoon]

loving someone is never wasted but it does wounds you

[sunlovemoon]

everything is moving away from me and i can’t stop it, it’s like everything i’ve ever touched is rotting in my hands and the people i would’ve bled for don’t even turn their heads toward me anymore..no one stays no one even slows down long enough to notice i’m still here..i can feel myself becoming smaller to make space for them to go like if i shrink enough it won’t hurt as much when they disappear completely. i used to run after them, hold the pieces together but my hands are tired now. i let them fall. i let myself fall with them now their voices has stopped reaching me, their eyes pass through me like i’m air. i am not missed, not looked for, not held in anyone’s mind. i’m left standing outside in the cold with no door to knock on. i'm not only losing them i can feel myself fading too like my own thoughts don’t sound like mine, my body feels foreign, my name feels wrong in my mouth. i can’t remember the last time someone held onto me like they meant it. the ache has carved itself into my bones and i think if i broke open, there’d be nothing inside but emptiness where all the love used to be. so i'm leaving too without a goodbye just completely gone for the good and ik they won’t notice and i won’t wait to be missed.

[sunlovemoon]

gentleness

the gentleness that comes after everything’s been torn apart—after the shouting, the silence, the weight of things that were never supposed to be carried. it’s not sweet, not pretty. it’s raw, trembling, stitched together with hands that have known too much shaking. it’s the kind of softness that doesn’t come easy–it comes through blood, through breaking, through moments of holding on when there’s nothing left to hold. it’s the refusal to become what hurt and courage. it’s not something noble. it’s the breath taken in the middle of panic, it’s the steps taken with blistered feet, it’s surviving in a body that remembers too much and love–god love. it isn’t warm and glowing. it’s desperate, it’s the hand reaching out when it’s been slapped away too many times, it’s the aching want to feel something real when everything’s gone numb when born from places that knew only absence, only rage, only ache and still, somehow, there’s something soft left. not untouched. no actually touched deeply. wounded, scarred, but still beating, still offering, still here and it’s not about being whole. it’s about being real, being tender in a world that tried to steal that tenderness over and over again and not letting it, not this time, not ever.

[sunlovemoon]

love that waits

one thing i deeply love about my friends is how they’re always there for me even when their own lives are heavy, even when they’re drowning in exams or dealing with problems—they never leave, they never ghost me. they reply to my texts, respond to my late-night calls, listen to my thoughts, my mess, my silence. they carry their own storms and still make space for mine and they don’t make it a big deal—they just stay. gently. quietly. completely....

but then there’s me. i vanish. i isolate. i don’t mean to hurt anyone but i disappear into myself and shut everyone out. i leave messages unanswered for hours, for days. i avoid calls, cancel plans, ignore the world. i used to call it healing, thought that maybe if i gave myself space, i’d feel better but it never works like that. the more i isolate, the more i rot inside. the silence gets louder, the void grows deeper and i feel like i’m suffocating in a room i locked myself in. and still, i do it again and again....

and even after all that, after all the times i’ve pulled away—they stay. they come back. they don’t guilt me, don’t shame me, just welcome me like i never left. it breaks my heart in the softest way because i know i don’t deserve love like that, yet they give it anyway. and maybe that’s the kind of love that keeps me going. the kind that reaches into the dark and says, “you don’t have to come back perfect. just come back.” and i love them more than words will ever know.

[sunlovemoon]

am i fragile or just tired or just stupid for feeling everything all the time i don’t know i don’t know i keep thinking if i just stay quiet enough still enough maybe the hurt will forget about me but it doesn’t it never does it sits in my chest heavy and loud and no matter how much i smile no matter how much i laugh it’s there it’s always there and i hate it i hate how much space it takes up inside me i hate how soft i am how easily i bruise how every little thing feels like it’s too much i wish i didn’t care i wish i could shut it off but i can’t i feel everything and it’s exhausting and it’s ugly and it’s lonely too so lonely and i don’t let anyone see it i bury it deep where no one can reach it because if they see they’ll leave or worse they’ll stay out of pity and i don't know which one would break me more so i stay quiet i carry it alone like i always have like i always will and when it hurts i pretend it doesn’t and when it breaks me i pretend i’m fine because at least when it hurts it’s only me who knows only me who feels it and i can pretend it’s nothing i can pretend it’s fine i can keep pretending forever if i have to because it’s safer that way because if no one sees me bleeding then no one has to love me just to leave because if no one sees me bleeding then no one will flinch no one will promise and then disappear no one will love me with one hand on the door and i won’t have to watch them go i’ll just stay here quiet invisible breaking where no one has to care and maybe that’s better maybe that’s safer maybe that’s the only way i survive.