#sunnie thinks

[passionfruitmango]

You know that song scarlet fire

I think if i played that with some sick reverb plus some bass boost and ate some fro yo that would be the exact type of dopamine I'm looking for rn

[passionfruitmango]

My brain wants something and I'm not sure if it can be found in the folds of the internet

[intense-emphasis]

Kinda pissed at myself for doing dxm weekly a couple years ago.

Kinda dumb how it took me until now to realize my stuttered speech and struggle to form words in general conversation is related.

Equally as dumb is the fact that I've recognized I can't remember things from the last 2-3 years as well. Related.

The uptick in my anxiety, the increased struggle with the PTSD from my upbringing, the depression, the fact I can't get excited about doing things quite like I used to.

Yeah, related.

I'm pretty pissed at myself and the fun is over because I thought I was the outlier and could afford to lose a few brain cells.

Well I did and that sucks.

I recognize I have nowhere to go but up, to do better and heal. Improve.

It's just that the realization of where a person can put themself hits you so fucking hard when the "ignorance is bliss" mentality fades.

[intense-emphasis]

BUT because mentality is key, I am happy to have a little more time to do my hobby (STARDEW VALLEY WHICH I AM PLAYING FOR THE FIRST TIME, ON PC which I haven't used for games in FOREVER!!!) today after taking the morning to complete daily tasks, and the afternoon to rest while watching Adult Swims Infomercials with my partner 🥰

Life is good today, gotta stay finding gratitude in my good moments while acknowledging and validating the not so good feeling ones

[intense-emphasis]

This blog has been with me through so many years, so many me's, so many experiences.

To go through every old "steph rants" or "steph whines" or "steph does" post to decide whether to remove tags and names, would be doing a disservice to the me that was living through those experiences.

I honor her and all she is by allowing those to continue to exist.

I chose to delete a blog I created when the choices I was making were ones that I never wanted connected to this account. The account was where I shared my feelings during a time I was in a situationship with a coworker who was a superior. To have to see that blog name pop up every time I wanted to reblog a post was a bit too triggering for me.

It wasn't a good time for me. I can see it chronicled through my posts at the time.

I'm really proud to say I've quit drinking. Recognized it was an issue and stopped doing it profusely. I maybe have two seltzer every few months and it feels nice.

I still enjoy the occasional recreational drug, but there's so much more thought put into my health now. I still have moments of wanting to self sabotage, but I'm a lot more regulated as time has passed.

Its definitely helped to have a partner who inspires me to stay grounded, for myself and my future.

Anyway. There's too much positive in this blog for me to let what I may currently construe as negative destroy.

A digital history of me, for me, how I've always done my socials. Future me would be PISSED if I deleted this blog.

All love 🩷

Sunshine

[intense-emphasis]

Other things I'm thinking about rn

Making a tag system for current me to make browsing my blog easier for future me. The old tag system i have is outdated and I don't remember half of them anymore???

UgH

[intense-emphasis]

WELL I got the idea today to go through my google photos looking for images to edit to post here that look aesthetic af right?

Just realized the google photos editor is pretty fucking good???

Then if I run the image through one of the few apps I have??? These look so cool and I can't wait to give each edit it's own post 😂😂