Word vomit and a terrible review of Sunshine backwards
I wish I took more screenies, cause this feels like it will be weak without them.
First of all, the VN can be found here. Aside from what the page says there are some other warnings I would personally give on top, but I'll give them after the initial reflection this game has prompted me to make about my previous dwellings online and how the atmosphere has changed today.
If you were a kid or teen online in the 2010s, it's nostalgic to look back on the quirky roleplay interactions, shameless DA boards and the creepypasta stories and rumours that would make you squeak like Noelle like a mouse but make you race back for more. The wikia was not littered with crapful ads and nothing seemed to be usable against you... or so you thought
way, way too much rambling under the cut. this post is so bad
well, that last part is false if you were truly online. you saw the su critical discourse and how l/emonteaflower was run out of tumblr. If things were worse, someone you knew back then was involved in a thing i don't even wanna name, and you wonder how the fuck anyone would remotely think that's okay. The second case was more nuanced than we all thought and it was hard to know all the factors, but the later (im only gonna say it involved physical grooming of minors and animal abuse) gives so much sense with how hypervigilant and quick to type many of us got as kids, right?
Except something being inherently weird or yucky didn't mean someone engaging is actively grooming minors, and several actors would be observed to use that facade to cover real grooming and atrocities. The scope in which these things happened is hard to explain because the internet we dwelled, it wasn't physical like the metaphysical plain Lain presents the internet as, but where you texted and roleplayed there was a dynamic of culture happening in real time! And there were even lines of etiquette if you were lucky. I feel media closest to forums or blogs got luckier until the bubbles expanded, and there were too many unsupervised teens like hits at cons with yaoi paddles (Seriously, I only heard of it but why the fuck did cons ever allow that??? I'm glad I only went to one grown long after banning. Someone got their spine broken from those)
point is, the way uncomfortable situations could arise and happen would be hard to explain to someone who is not super online, and when you are a teen it feels even more hazardous because you know your physical reality is so unmatchable to this other corner you can jump to and be free of some rules, but that lack of rules and confrontation with others face to face emboldens people to, not think who they are talking to or do it on purpose. Throw in the reality of how irl grooming victims are also victim blamed and you have a cocktail of uncertainty on next steps. I haven't experienced this but I have read plenty of real, tangible exposures and chat logs of innapropiate behavior, and other motivators of empathy I'd rather not disclose. Matter of the fact is it's hard to protect yourself i you don't know how to tell if you're being abused or don't have enough support to not get trapped by unhealthy antics (lack of education makes the difference in both physical and virtual planes of risk of csa, and boy how many of us can say they got good sexual education about it? i expect only two hands)
Years later, finding out how some cases have evolved, how many people have recovered and improved and others have doubled down, how there are new obstacles and bad practices of targeting small people over air are a core tennet of fandom... it feels like the internet is something bleak, specially when you know what friends can have struggled with in parallel to your own life. We are all in our own physical realities, and the connections have become further strained by corporate meddling and seeds planted by kids being afraid of being in danger. It's all fear, fear and barely having any answers, and it takes time and connections through the fear to, recover your ability to trust again, and know not everyone is gonna throw you in the panopticons of main character of the day nexus for being into shizuo oshimi or inio asano's works, even those with those scenes
(you also become very good at spotting who is too strong on quasi-virtous stancing online and would stab someone over seeing a character a certain way or taking care of your mental health and not looking at triggering fiction tags. have you linked this scene of tuca and bertie to your friend who engages too much in an/ti-pro/ship discourse today? I don't like that dichotomy if you couldn't tell)
See how much of this initial spiel of nothing uses mainly references??? I don't know how else to communicate because there are so many wires crossed. I don't know if I want to tell you to search it because each reference can be its own rabbit hole, and I wonder how much searching would complement a player's understanding of the sonic, creepypasta and club penguin references in the game
or... it would not really be that different? We all had awkward drawings as kids, if we interact with fandoms it's hard to not see shipping wars over peanuts in the year of our lord 2025, other teens groan at other's behavior since the dawn on time, and texting is an universal experience today. Looking up a thing here on there is bread and butter of any narrative piece. I think the reason this felt so specific/alien to other girls is because I lived thru this era, and it's gonna feel different to read this to someone who didn't grow up with these specific online culture elements, seeing how YOU could have also faced this kind of interaction if you turned on the wrong lanes of the internet streets in a specific neighborhood of fandom or website
so, I have not started talking about the game itself huh, and it's been an hour writing this.
I wanted to at least put first what the game has made me reflect about growing up in the internet, just so people can at least take that if they can't bear with the rest of the game. I know some of my friends would be triggered by some contents so I'm including additional cws to actually talking about it, though reading this review should be fine.
CWS FOR: Vore (more played straightforward as horror), discussions of grooming, self harm, very visceral sfx if you're queasy
My recount of the game might be more innacurate now that is has been days, but feelings are a core part of this right? That's still fresh
The game opening is stellar with placing you in context at time. There are two deviantart kid-esque drawings of a red ridding hooded sonic quadruped, and a shadow-esque wolf. Onto them rolls a roleplay text which, reminds you people really did type this way (and you did it too, so just let it be that). That initial embarrassment gets flipped when the texting tone of the wolf gets strange, the music distorts and two red eyes and hyperrealistic teeth turn the wolf's talk of fur, claws and fangs super creepy, specially as the red character just types "NOOO" as the text gets far, far more descriptive than the original tale ever did of what happens next.
the one phrase i should quote out of obligation is "Teeth all the way down," which is a recurring theme in this game. With the warnings it should be clear this can be understood as an expression for being groomed and abused by an older figure who should have known better. Typying it this way, the cut to the present as the protag Sonia unpacks from work and can't care about urgently needed house care chores... it's the aftermath of being spat out by an abuser and a traumatic situation. How does life feel like after so much pain?
(Appropiate time for this song to shuffle... icicles are similar imagery too huh)
Sonia gets on her sofa and is too tired after a long day. She barely manages to watch tv and thinks a certain character is hot, but when she looks up r/ule34 she meditates on how the porn of back then was more massively made with more reluctance, but you saw more passion and investment in skill oriented to the niche characters you found. This made me think not only in the incredible renders and scenarios I've found in gay erotica and books, but also of how more flustering and endearing this, how to say, more personal art is for more expression of intimacy and enjoyment. This is more enthusiastic than what the protagonist observes while using her little black box, but I found it a notable comparison to think about.
(and, yes I agree with the tangent that sally acorn looked more naked than sonic somehow, and the sexualization was really obvious)
As she imagines the only fantasy that works for her due to everything that's happened, she is interrupted by the fact "purite/ens banned her from roblox over meta/lmy." I googled that inmediately and had to laugh and groan covering my face because I can see that happening in any other fandom site you're forced to share with kids with little to no moderation or boundaries that ease up fandom etiquette and, minding your own business (but seriously this is a joke right?? that ship is clearly for aesthetics it can't even be seen as nefarious). I have seen 30s and older try to make massive lists and be pikachu faced when people point out how they're accusing innocent people of things they didn't do and how this can risk mass harassment. Honestly, at least teens haven't figured it out and have more free time. Seeing adults act worse has been so embarrassing and it sucks to know it will get worse with the censorship tides going on. I feel we will have to start using metaphor tags and labels for even the most vanilla shit soon.
oops, more rambling eh? good thing i dont review media for a living
I hope I'm not getting the order of events but, I recall this text from orange friend happening after Sonia (blue) reflects on how she has been neglecting her appearance and hiding her crying at the office (the bathroom trick, oh I felt that), and wonders about how her drops in performance due to mental breakdowns are probably tiring everyone down or delaying things. This is where I wondered if Sonia lacked support and trust with friends and family as she grew up, or if it was all the pain and lost of the ability to trust that has deteriorated her core connections and left her more unstable on her own. Even in my worst moments of doubt in adulthood, I knew there was something to keep enjoying and striving for, and then find such a bright light in friends... I really wished she could have that someone but, that isn't the case. A contact suddenly harps her about her abuser and seems to be trying to force a confession or something?
Like lad... even if you want to ask that because you think that timing is suspicious on behalf of the abuser, using that tone on a grooming victim is, so inconsiderate? i was bambozled and left doubting of this person's ability to, i don't know, think of how words harm?? even if there was a sense of concern it was so, snuffed out by this. asking someone to disclose this out of the blue is upsetting
The many slashes... was that a progression or a lack of definition? If things did get so intimate, I would see more reason for a friend to know better how to approach the subject. But that's not the core idea anymore: it's the fact, things like this happen. And it sure feels slimmy, doesn't it? We have seen people use their identity as a shield for accountability in fandom for several things, so the idea of an abuser doing it is not such a far-stretch. I think both things can be true specially when the harm done is so severe.
This and all the stream of thoughts... this really got to me. It's not just one big earth shattering pain, but many claims of your trust stretched over time and responsibility for something you were not in equal footing to handle in any way. Yeah, people in crisis don't act well, I have been in dire talks with friends, but they weren't people with less life experience and emotional intelligence nor feeling SOLELY responsible for my entire self and who drag my ass when I'm being legitimately stupid. A kid can't do this, specially with, all the wringing and stress conveyed in the first scene of this VN
And this shouldn't happen to someone else, but there is no international protocol to guarantee safety from irate fans, people claiming horrible victim blaming or, what you said or did while involved being used against you. Ah, and the passage on time between it and when you realized it's all fucked up and wrong! But how do you make it all solid? Even in the case you can show things solidly, it is a risk but... you still feel like there is a danger being allowed. This burdeen and fact is so unfair and it hurts, it hurts.
Nor a kid nor an adult in self perception... it's because of what we are told adults are and are not. Adults can't play and have fun, even though tv shows and books are so acceptable in older generations. Even as fun interests become normal and we see through artist blogs how "having fun" is as much of an engaging thing as drinking and passing the fuck out in an alley or whatever happens at so called adult parties... it's hard to shake off imprinted things.
Being an adult is really, surviving sometimes, and working on all the hurt you have been carrying. Is Sonia somewhere and with people she can truly safely unpack with? What is her health insurance like?
Talking to other adults with more free minds and similar hobbies really puts in perspective how illusory "true adulting" is. You just handle more sidequests of bureocracy and try to make a frankly consuming time shift let you do your own thing somehow (and I practically had a dream job a year ago...)
and... there it is. the doom spiral from painful reminders or the wrong wire crossing of the mind.
what follows is a, a blue usb with a x crossed o... (slenderman?) It escaped me that it referenced el pendrive azul despite knowing that creepypasta recently. Even though it's not bad to, look at things of your past, this in a way made me think of how triggers can be argued to be the scp definition of cognitohazards. They can sink you down and peel you of your layers of growth and hit the coocon, the egg of how that moment in time left you.
But before continuing, I gotta say I picked the password cue and unzipped the included rar file... and I couldn't help smiling seeing the bloody tails doll image I had seen so many times in creepypasta. One time unnerving, now an old friend with simple thick line rendering I could appreciate. How appropiate I would read it before the protagonist hugged her real tails doll gifted at a young age, and once used by another school kid to freak her the fuck out. the other image, i feel people should see and make their own conclusions on why this other work is included and used as it is within the game
(the sharks eating gore like the last dinner though... what's that. what corner of DA is this. did the author wanna evoke that feeling fdjgfgdfgd)
The text message made me smile... no matter what comes next, it is still true that with love and letting yourself take care is that life can bloom again, no matter how painful your scars are.
But back to the game, we see a folder implied to be logs of graphic interactions with Rosy and, a dox program appears? It asks to play fatiguing rounds of tic tac toe where losing means, Sonia's info gets leaked to everyone without any nuance or mercy to the injustice.
Online callous callouts in a nutshell huh?
The program asks to keep playing forever and...
I don't remember what was first, but we see a time cut to a coworker (who is very cute and resembles Jaehee Kang btw) knocking on her door concerned, and jumpscared by how Sonia bolts to the window. She is allowed entry to see the place in entirely awful conditions, and then witness Sonia be horribly scarred and doing the game of knife between fingers and just making herself bleed over and over. Honestly, I would not deadass know how to respond either as the meme image says, but the moment I was asked if I wanted to play a game and spotted the tails doll I would have sprinted the fuck out of there. Sadly this person is too shocked and doesn't know what, the forever game entails.
and then
suddenly we are seeing an adult deny her actions to her mom and stumble to a room full of anime girl merch. This, this is Rosy in present day, present time
I'm actually regretful I didn't take more screenies when the perspective shifts to, Rosy. Where one would expect more anger, the narration is actually impartial and transparent to make you think of other weebs you may have encountered online, and the struggle to even be when the sunk cost fallacy of bad decisions has gone big... One particular phrase in all this did make me want to squonk this person, but I could understand that the author wanted to show the, utter dysfunction that can make someone sincere even in their fucked up actions. Whatever this person got out of past horrible actions, it's not present to being stuck home and unable to be independent. This reminded me of the last arc of Trails of Blood in a way, seeing the traits of an abuser be their frail degradation and suffering through it like any other person
I felt sitting there with the mixed sense of, pity and muted disgust at the dismissal of the past, when Sonia calls, Rosy is surprised, and eventually asks what she even wants since, the past can't be changed... I get being lost, but that also merits saying "seriously?"
through all the loss, responsibility is still not being taken.
warning for creepy imagery.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.x
HOLY FUCK
I MIGHT HAVE CLAPPED AND CHEERED NOT GONNA LIE
I KNOW BY VIRTUE OF IT BEING POSSESED OR FUSED WITH THET AILS DOLL IS BAD, BUT THE SHEER FREEDOM TO SHOW HOW MESSED UP YOU ARE?? HOW MUCH IT HURTS?? IT'S ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL
god bitch ME TOO. i don't know what else to say i just fucking agree. Some attitudes or dismissals really makes you feel like this, and you need that anger to keep SANE.
(...was that the bite of 97?)
but then we get a shift and reveal that, Sonia was not attacking Rosy but her coworker...
oh, oh of course how could i forget we are in a creepypasta homage right now? though I probably need to refresh on if tails doll could even have these abilities but, I don't think it makes the words less real even if the program/logs discovery are totally divorced from her coworker and this isn't an extended part of the paranoia and fear of being called out for being traumatized
talk about that "it was you," not feeling yourself but still being you when you're done and you have had enough... and it's not good. You have just hurt someone who was trying to understand. Whew
I do think the earlier crashout with the knife is a tangible portrayal of how the online panopticon can drive you insane with its threat. Heck, I saw many people in fandom express it despite having done nothing wrong. It's all so insane isn't it? But if you were not only a main character but logs of you being a traumatized teen were nailed on the wall of anonymous cruel judgement and scrutiny and, god knows what could sprawl from it, you would be totlaly freaked out too nad not want any witnesses.
Then Tails asks Sonia if she wants to go back to just jerking off and eating after work and ignoring what she has done. It describes it as "permanent recess." there is something about that line while being one year unemployed after being extremely productive and one would say accomplished... you're not being serious if you're not working on yourself eh? I don't know if Sonia heard it that way
though, these states aren't a choice, but there is the alternative. Managing to find the will and energy with so much weight is so fucking hard though
the next scene is shocking and, knowing some friends are triggered by it I was even more uncomfortable, but I could really understand why it needed to happen. The impossibility of it is just like the kink the improper adult made the kid participate it, and it twists how horrible, gross and horrible it would be if it was really real. Those drawings and videos i've had to stumble across don't really think of the logistics and the weight of really, killing someone again that way. Though, of course it didn't have to end there with how the red ridding hood keeps being followed with red being rescued from the belly... It's gruesome and it would kill you in real life, but in the end, Sonia in a way takes agency and accountability for, doubling down??? I feel like someone else could interpret this better.
the brief flashes of the hospital are brief, and I wonder if it's not only because this couldn't ever really happen, but to also show how fugacious is the clarity after your lashout has hurted someone and/or yourself. There is catharsis from it, but you're better off admitting your agency in all this. The past doesn't remove you from it, and if this VN can extend a glimmer of perspective even to the offending party??
All the more reason you should be easier on yourself, and let yourself truly heal.
