SUMMARY: After an intense, vivid nightmare of some of the worst moments of his childhood, Ryung finds himself spiraling into the oblivion of derealization. He decides to search for comfort in his boyfriend, Alderic, who helps him find peace.
A/N: Eomma is mom, Appa is dad, Jagiya means honey/baby. Yes, I know Alderic has a roommate. We’re gonna pretend he doesn’t for the sake of this fanfic. Hope you guys cry– I MEAN enjoy!
The smell of sulfur filled the house, burning his nostrils. The sounds of screams echoed off the walls. Ryung’s eyes panned the room. Where was he? What’s happening? Where’s Mom? Dad?
He stared down at his hands. Small. Small, frail hands covered in burn marks. His eyes filled with tears, and his breath caught in his throat. He spun around to look at his brothers. They were just babies. In an instant, he ran and scooped them up in his arms. Twin toddlers are being carried around by a kid who could barely hold his own weight. He started screaming, searching for anyone.
“Mom? Mommy? Mom, where are you!” He screamed, his throat raw from sobbing endlessly. “Mom, please! Please, I can’t… I can’t do this alone! Mommy, please!” He sobbed, ears ringing from the endless crying of his siblings. “Eomma! Dowajuseyo!”
[Translation: Mom! Help me!]
That’s when he spotted a cracked door, light seeping through it. Begging him to run for it. So he did. He carried himself as fast as he could, running from the orange light into the bright white one.
In a flash, he was immediately rushed into a new room. He stared around, confused about the change of location. His heart was pounding in his chest, but his first reaction was to check his brothers… who were gone?
Looking down, instead of seeing twin babies, there were drawings filled in his arms. Sketches, notes, colored art. When he looked up, there was his dad. Laying in the hospital bed, barely clinging on to the last of his life.
“Appa! Appa!” He cried out and hugged his frail dad, who was barely breathing. “Won’t you look at all the art I made you?” He sniffed, looking up at him.
His dad looked down, and gave him a sickly, sweet smile. “I’m so sorry, aegi. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you” His fathers voice cracked, “Take good care of your brothers, please?”
Ryung’s face contorted, confused on why he was saying this. “Of course I will, Appa… Appa? Appa, what’s wrong?” He tried shaking his dad, who mumbled one last ‘I love you’ in Korean before the sound of his heart beat monitor filled the room. It swarmed Ryung’s ears. He couldn’t control his breathing.
“Appa? Appa! Look at my art! Appa, please! Appa, please don’t go–” He started to sob violently. People started to grab him, multiple people. He couldn’t escape the amount of hands holding him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak. “No… No! No, no, no! Appa!” He yelled as loud as he could, staring down into his arms which were filled with art. The art was now falling out of his hands, burning as they left his arms. He started to shake and sob. He couldn’t control himself.
As he was ripped out of the room, he hit a wall with as much force to knock the wind out of him. His vision spun around, and he tried to gain better control. He looked around… It was a shed. A dark shed, one with a window to show the sun was going down.
He immediately scrambled to his feet, running to the door, but it shut just as he reached it. He slammed into it, screaming out. He started banging on the door with as much force as his tiny body could give.
“Let me out! Please, please let me out!” He screamed.
“Poor baby, too scared to spend the night with the snakes and spiders?” Ryung’s eyes shook as he heard those words. The voices were so familiar. The bullies he had to live with when he and his family were couch surfing, homeless.
“No… No, no, no, no– Please! Please, let me out! Let me out– I’m scared!” He shrilled.
“Not until you’ve learned your lesson for tattling, punk.” They started to laugh.
The laughs echoed in the shed as he tried pounding on the door. Suddenly it started pounding back. From all sides. Loud pounding on each side of the walls. Ryung stumbled to the middle of the shed, falling onto the floor.
He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, there was no noise coming from him except for choked sobs of fear. He scanned the room, looking for bugs and things to hurt him. The pounding got louder. He put his hands over his ears but he could still hear the slamming radiating off the walls.
Just as it got as loud as it could be, he screamed as loudly as possible. A scream that made his throat raw. A scream that hurt even his ears to yell. It erupted from his chest like a beam of light fighting containment.
Suddenly, Ryu woke up in a panicked sweat. He sat up like a rocket, staring around the room. Nothing felt real. He stared at his hands, grabbed his face, curled his knees to his chest. He couldn’t do anything to shake the fear that riddled him.
He spun his head around, his roommate was fast asleep. Hopefully, Ryung didn’t actually scream… hopefully his roommate was sleeping peacefully, unlike him.
He sat there, questioning reality for a minute. He knew he couldn’t go to Rex. She snuck off campus for the night, leaving Ryung completely alone.
For fifteen minutes he pondered. Knees curled to his chest and face buried into his legs. He gripped onto his hair, staring at the wall in front of him. His mind was spiraling. He wanted to be comforted, he needed to be comforted, but he didn’t want to bother anyone. He wanted to run down the hall to his lover, but he was worried that Alderic was asleep…
After a few more minutes, he couldn’t help but get up. Panicked state and all. He didn’t bother to throw on a jacket, or any sort of cover up. No blanket, no comfort stuffed animal, nothing.
He ran out the door, sprinting down the hall, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He couldn’t breathe. He was running at full speed and still couldn’t breathe. He doesn’t know how he made it down the stairs, but in no time, there he was in front of Alderics' door.
As he raised his fist to knock, he hesitated. He stood there, questioning if this was the right decision. Was he really about to disturb his boy’s sleep just because he was upset?
The cold chill of the night sent a shiver down his spine. It was just then he realized how out of breath he was, and how cold he was. He was shaking, standing there in nothing but a tank top and fluffy shorts.
He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this… Knock, knock
Almost as quick as he knocked, Alderic answered. The taller boy opened the door, confused as to who could be needing him at this hour. Only to find Ryung, shaking and on the brink of tears.
“My love? Oh my gosh, what happened! Come in, you’re freezing. Let me get you a blanket– and some tea– Sit down! Please,” He wrapped his arms around Ryung, bringing him into the room.
As soon as they stood in the room, Ryung melted into his arms. Sobbing.
“Shh.. Shh, it’s okay, Lovebug.” He held Ryu tightly, sitting back onto his bed and pulling the boy into his lap.
They sat like that for a while. Alderic had engulfed Ryung in the tightest hug he could, resting his chin atop of his head. Ryu couldn’t help but sob intensely into his shoulder. He could barely think, all he could do was let it out. Everything hurt, everything was painful. Alderic? He was the warmth that was there to comfort Ryung.
Once Ryung started to calm down a little bit, his cries turned into choked sobs and breath regulation. “Do you want… Do you want to talk about it?” Alderic asked him, petting his hair.
Ryung took a deep breath, “Nightmares,” he choked out. “Vivid nightmares of my childhood… The house fire, the shed… My father–” bringing up his dad made him cry more.
“Shhh… shh, lovebug. It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if it hurts too much,” Alderic gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. He looked down at Ryung, both of them making eye contact. He couldn’t help but smile.
“You know.. You have the prettiest eyes when you cry,” Alderic cupped his hand onto his cheek. This made Ryung giggle a little, wiping his eyes. “There’s that smile.”
“Alderic…” He mumbled.
“I’m sorry! But you do.. I know you’re upset, and I’m sorry–”
“Jagiya, it’s okay… It’s okay,” he smiled at Alderic. “It’s helping.”
“It’s helping? If it’s helping, you look the prettiest when you cry! You’re the prettiest crier in the world, I couldn’t think of anyone who cries prettier than you, sunshine–”
“Aldie!” He laughed and pressed his forehead to the others. They sat there and laughed together. Aldie placed his hand on the back of Ryu’s, while Ryu’s hands found their way to rest in the crook of his neck.
They sat there, taking in each other’s presence for a moment. Ryung whispered a quick thank you to him, and Alderic just cradled him in his arms. It didn’t matter what was happening in the world, they had each other.
Alderic laid back onto the bed, Ryu falling on top. He immediately curled up into his arms, searching for the warmth in him. In unspoken words, Alderic let him stay the night. Hoping that it would bring him peace of mind to get genuine sleep.
Ryung wrapped his arms around the other's waist, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck and sighing. Releasing any bad energy that engulfed him before. Alderic had his arms wrapped protectively around the other, placing a ginger kiss to the other’s forehead.
“I’ve got you, okay? You’re safe with me,” Alderic spoke softly as he turned out the bedside light, returning to the position they were once in.
Sunshine lovers, smiles golden
kisses stolen by the wishing well
bold promises cast upon forever
a sharing of secrets never to tell
A winter’s walk within memories
laughter beneath the setting sun
remembering the vows we made
our love has kept them every one
