Monsters and nitpicking
Today has been Thursday. I've been at work today. Went to my last stand up paddle boarding class yesterday, I got there and the teacher said that she'd told everyone who'd been there the last couple of weeks not to come on Wednesday as we'd be going out to sea. So I said I hand't been coz i'd hurt my leg, and I wasn't sure I'd be up to going out to sea, so I just pottered about for an hour, and it was nice but a bit like I thought it would have been nicer had there been an actual class. But yeah, I've still got 2 more classes that I can book onto for free whenever I want so that's good. I don't know when I'll do it though, coz i think i work all the other days that its on and apparently the Wednesday one if quite "hardcore".
I had the doctor too on Tuesday. I was just going to ask about getting some help for my anxiety but I thought i;d mention the panic attack after boomtown and if they asked, I'd say i'd taken drugs but not unless they asked. But I went in and I said I'd had a panic attack the week before and she went, "panic attack? they said you'd been taking MDMA. I'd say that was an mdma related thing, not a panic attack." and i thought well it obviously was mdma related but that brought on a panic attack, she wasn't bloody there and i was bloody panicking because of the ambulance and the whole situation. So she asked me a few quesitons like in the last 2 weeks how often would i say i'd been anxious/ kept awake by anxiety/ restless/ irritable and easily angered etc and then she asked me what i did and i said i jsut finished uni, and she said and what are you doing now? and i said im working now....in a shop. And she went where? and i said poundland. And she said "oh well maybe you're feeling anxious because you've got a degree in global politics and you're working in poundland." And she said it in a way as if i'd fucking chosen to work there, like someone had said to me, we've got this fucking cracking job working as a diplomat for the UN and you'll be travelling all over the world, learning about different cultures and languages and generally bettering yourself as a person while earning a fuckload of money and making sure you're financially comfortable for the rest of your life..or you could be a lazy shithead and waste your life away in poundland and I thought: oo the former sounds like too much work, I'll just have the shop work thanks. So I just sort of looked at her in an exasperated way, and she said "well I guess in the current climate..." I hate that anyone that hears I work in a shit shop says something like that, like "oh well..in the current climate." or "oh well at lest you have a job". It's like fuck off. I do have a job. It's just like any other shop but everything's a pound and a fair few of the customers are bum heads. At least I can pay the rent. Though of course i am looking for another job. So then I told the docotr that my anxieties are more irrational like about everyone dying and stuff. And she wrote that down. And she said she'd refer me to the anxiety workshop and then as I was leaving I said "is that everything then?" and she went "yep we'll be in touch. Just DON'T TAKE ANY MORE DRUGS!" It really aggravated me that she said that too. Whenever someone says that to me I instantly feel like some sort of fuck up that can't stop taking drugs. And I can stop! But it's like it reinforces this idea of myself that I used to have, that I'm trying to shake off where I see myself as someone that can't say no to anything. Like if someone offers me drugs i can't help but say yes, and i might end up in hospital or end up wandering around the streets looking for my way home, or fall into a bush and not be able to get out, or piss on my shoes, or in a drawer or not turn down any boy lovin. But this is not who I am anymore! I am now a strong independent woman. And these people telling me to stop taking drugs, only serves to make me feel like I can't stop taking them, because if I could why would they be telling me? They'd be better of telling me to keep taking them, then I'd say no and at least I'd feel like it was my own choice. I definitely think I have some sort of problem, as I've tried really hard the last 3 years to stay away from everything but it's sooo hard, especially when everyone else is taking them, or when there's a night out and I know I might fall asleep if I don't take something, or if it's just expensive. The thought of never having any drug ever again is unbelievably depressing. But saying that, I'm off them now for a long time, a good 5 years at least I think and maybe by then I wont want them anymore. I would like to keep taking K but James said he;s not going to let me take anything and he;'s goig to stop too coz he didn't like seeing me in hospital and not being able to breathe and stuff. We both haven't drank since boomtown, since before the ambulance and we had a drink tonight. We had a bottle of wine between us. I don't think I'd have wanted anymore. Not until I have learned to control my anxiety!
So yeah. Apart from that, (rant over) Pearl festival has been cancelled. I was a bit disappointed. We should have been leaving tomorrow but it only got cancelled like 2 days ago, yesterday officially. So instead James and I are going to go up to stoke for a visit. I really really really can't wait to see milly. I'm going to eat her up. I saw a new bed for her in a shop i was in on tuesday, I might buy it for her for when she comes back as a coming back present. Though maybe she'd want something more familiar, i'm not sure. It was really nice though. And It'll be nice to see alanna not in a drunk setting, and to see mama, though ive got to get her a bday pressie tomorrow morning now as i was going to get her one at the festival. And to see cairo. Poor bebe is going to be left outside while we're gone.He'll be fine though, when we went away before he ate a dove!
I'm going to go now and pack my bag for tomorrow.
Bye bye