Bloga Bloga

This is a blog full of all the random shit in my head that nobody else in their right mind should want to read unless they have A LOT of time. Or enjoy the fine art of stalking.

[fartytitwank]

Life

Today I was getting ready for work and I was on the loo and someone knocked on the door, so I went halfway up the stairs so I could see who it was but there was no one there so I waited for a while and then I went over to the frontest door and nothing had been dropped in so I assumed (as you do) that it must be a burglar and I proceeded to nearly shit myself every time the cat moved about. I turned all the lights off so they wouldn't be able to see in but I'd be able to see out if they were trying to look in and then I started trying to hide everything of value. (I even hid the collection paper things from the post office in case the burglars would come in and go to the post office and collect our parcels.) I waited for half and hour until it got bright so at least once it was bright there might be more of a chance that when they struck maybe a passer by would see them and call the police. Then I left the house and saw that it was actually the postman, and he'd left the parcel next to the door.  WHAT A NEUROTIC PARANOID MESS I AM SOMETIMES.

I really must get over this thing about opening the door. It's just scary though, they could barge in and be horrible. Or even if you don't open the door to them they could come and burgle you or murder you or do whatever they want. And I'd no Milly to protect me as she's still up in Stoke. She's had her womb out now so I'm just waiting for alanna to come and drop her off in london so she can come home. I hope she's still happy in Brighton now she's spent a few weeks in a family house, she might not want to come home. 

I got so drunk last weekend I left my bag in a pub and fell asleep and got the wrong bus home. I got the bag back though. Going out this weekend with work people for Michaela's bday so I'm really hoping I don't fall asleep and I'm REALLY hoping it's not boring RnB baby baby I wanna hold you, and lick your tits bollixy music coz that'd send me to sleep when I'm sober!  I also saw Tommy Tiernan last weekend with James. He was on top form. I adore him still. I thought I might prefer Bill Burr now but it is not the case, Tommy Tiernan is number 1, Bill Burr number 2.   Me and James are in saving mode now to go away. We've made a joint bank account (how flippin grown up are we?) and we're trying to put away £20000 by next September to fly around the world with. I can't wait. I'm so excited to see things I've never seen before and be in new situations and have adventures!! I emailed a couple of places the other day to get a quote for the trip so I think I'll call them on Saturday and see what they say. 

Going to Michaela's contemporary dance opening thing tonight. I wonder what it'll be like. I hope it's fun. Then got pole on Sunday, I wihs I'd get better at that, I never practice at home though coz I'm a lazy shit. I must start trying more. I need motivation! I should try on some of my old clothes! Hahaha. 

I downloaded Korn's newest album last weekend. I've listened to it a few times since. It's good but it doesn't move me,. but maybe it will when I listen to it enough. I am going to see them in May and I'm soo excited! And NIN. May's going to be super! I want them to announce this years BFWK, I'm worried it's not going to happen, that would be crap. Not gonna go to any other festivals this year I dont think. There was talk of going to Boomtown as an act but I don't think that's going to happen, nobody is organised enough. Off I go.

[fartytitwank]

What a chronic pain in the arse.

I started working in a new place and now I am a receptionist. It's good mainly but there's a few little annoying bit, the main one is I have somehow damaged my arse from sitting on it. It's not the whole thing, just one buttock and down my thigh a bit but if I sit still for too long it is sooo painful so I have turned into a giant fidget. When I woke up this morning it hurt. It's mad how sitting can do this. I don't know what really did it, it was a bit sore then I had a train journey to Birmingham last weekend, and then had to sit for the Horse of the Year show which was horrendously painful, and now it hasn't got any better. Maybe I pulled something cycling to/from work. i don't know. I hope it gets better. Other than this I am a bit down the last couple of days. I was really overly happy on Thursday and I got home and James was miserable and told me how we have no money, which I disagreed with to begin with but he wore me down and then we went to bed and he went to sleep and I lay awake worrying about money and I also think I might have heart disease so I was worrying about that. And this cloud hasn't been lifted yet. I still feel like shit and it's Saturday now. I want to be a teenager again. There's no escape from the bollox. I always think travelling will be like an actual escape but now I'm afraid it wont happen because of money. I'm trying not to be pessimistic but it's hard not to be. Max invited me out last night and I didn't really wanna go but I thought it might cheer me up a bit, but he was soo drunk when I got there I just finished my one pint and went home. Even drinking has lost its appeal because of the panic attacks the next day and the worrying about whether this is contributing to my heart just failing.  I realise I probably sound mad thinking I have this disease, but I was looking up hypoglycemia which I have, and it said this is an indicator of heart disease, then I looked up having a heart flutter and it said that was an indicator of heart disease too...then I looked up heart disease and all of the symptoms sound like what I have. But they also sound like panic attacks. But I've recently just been getting random pains in my heart, not really bad ones but I don't know what they are. They could be just feeling shit, because i remember when I was a teenager and i was really depressed sometimes it actually hurt. So maybe it's worrying about it that's giving me grief. But then Dad told me on the phone not to worry about it, and he said "look i know all about heart disease, my old man had it" which I didn't know. So it runs in the family. I need to go to the doctor really and ask them, but I hate going to a doctor once they know about drugs because they don't treat you the same anymore.  Talking of that I got a letter yesterday from CRI, which seems to be some sort of drug helping people, and they want me to get in touch. Apparently when I was in hospital in August I gave consent for them to contact me (which I don't remember coz they gave me diazapan). I don't know whether to get in touch with them or not. I haven't taken any drugs since, but if my body was willing I probably would have. But then when I OD'd in 2010 I didn't take any for a while but once my body was sorta ableish for them again I started taking them again. Maybe I'll get in touch. Really I should start taking pleasure in things away from nightclubs, like take up a book club or sailing or something. I would love to do either of those things. 

My arse is starting to kill so I'm going to go now. Off to the bank. Bye. 

[fartytitwank]

Have you ever had feelings for 2 people at the same time? Yes

Do you believe that leaving a significant other for someone else is ever a good idea? Er I don't know. Probably be better to leave them coz you don't like them, then wait a while and go out with someone new. But I guess things can't always be perfect.

Is it possible to ‘fix’ a ‘broken’ relationship? It depends why it's broken. If one cheated or did something bad probably not.

Would you ever throw out/give away something an ex gave you? + What would you do if the gift was something expensive? Yes. If it was expensive I'd sell it.

Why do you think people believe in love at first sight? I think they're silly.

If you found someone seemingly perfect for you, but it turned out they had a child… would you still give the relationship a chance? No, probably not.

Is it possible to ‘fall out of love’? Yes. 

Why do you think people choose to get married? For a party!

Why do you think people are against same-sex marriage? I think they just aren't used to it, but I think once it becomes the norm there isn't really a logical reason not to accept it.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? 5 yearsish..

Are you a slut? Nope

What happened last time you got drunk? I had a really shit night. Went to Bangface, was very excited, then James got really drunk and angry at me for no reason and made us leave early. 

Have you ever thrown up from drinking? Yes, a few times but not recently.

Last thing you said out loud? Night.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yes

What’s your favourite number? 6.

How many cigarettes have you smoked today? None, I don't smoke.

What languages can you count to ten or higher in? English, French, Spanish and Irish.

Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? I feel like I've gone through a lot emotionally but then I guess everyone has.

Ever got suspended from school? No, I was good!

What would you do with a $10 bill you found on the ground? Keep it and save it.

Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun? The sun.

What were you doing at 3AM last night? Sleeping.

Are you ticklish? Yes very much so.

Want to be taller or shorter? Neither, I'm fine. Maybe a teeeny bit taller.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I'm often very tired and I'm quite stressed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you count your number of serious relationships on one hand?

Yep.

How about number of sexual partners?

Yep.

Name something great that happened today?

I don't think I would describe any of it as great.

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?

Alanna did.

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing right now?

It was given to me.

What’s your middle name? Saoirse

What’s the last song you listened to?

I don't know

Was yesterday better than today?

No, yesterday was even worse.

This time last year, were you single?

Nope.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?

There's 2 people in work, one even spells it the same!

Do you have any siblings?

A sister

Do any of your friends dislike each other?

Yes

What are you doing right now?

Just this

Think of the last person you kissed, do they have any tattoos?

Yes

Have you ever liked someone but were afraid to tell them?

Yes

What happened at 9:00 am today?

I was getting up.

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?

If I like them I do.

What color are your sheets?

Cream with black cats on.

Are you happy with the way things are going?

I don't know.

Are your lips chapped at the moment?

Yes they have been for a few days but I can't stop picking them.

Do you currently like anyone?

Yes.

Do you have a best friend?

Milly-my dog.

Are you scared to fall in love?

I find the whole ordeal terrifying.

Next time you will kiss someone?

Tomorrow probably.

Are you in a good mood?

I'm mediocre. Actually I'm a bit melancholy. 

Do you think ex’s can remain friends?

From experience, no. Not really friends.

Are you one of those people that always answer their phones?

No, I never answer my phone. I never even know where my phone is and it usually isn't charged up. 

Hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing?

I don't know, sometimes its nice. 

Where is the last person you kissed?

In bed.

Do you honestly miss someone?

Not really. I feel quite the opposite, I just want to be alone.

Are you one of those people who gets jealous of boys/girls your current bf/gf dated?

Kind of, but not in a psychotic way.

Were you single for your last birthday?

Nope.

Did you talk to the person you like today?

Yes. We live together so it'd be weird not to. 

When was the last time you were in a car with someone besides family?

I can't even remember. I passed a car the other day and got car smell and it struck me how I never get into cars anymore. It feels like a whole chapter of my life that involved cars is over. 

 Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?

Marks and Spencers.

How many piercings do you have?

Just my ears atm.I used to have my eyebrow, nose and lip. I feel naked without my eyebrow and nose.

What are you wearing on your feet?

Fucking awesome socks, that are made out of bobbles.

In the past week, have you cried hysterically in front of a friend?

No.

Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts?

Yes, unless it was a direct one word answer question. 

Have you ever gone tanning?

Yep. A couple of times. 

Is there someone that you want to see?

Not really.

You can get a puppy or a new car. Which do you choose?

Puppy.

Your last ex runs up to you, kisses you, & tells you they want you back. You?

Vomit. 

In the past 48 hours have you been under the influence?

Only of booze. 

Do you tend to hold grudges?

Yes, but then I drop them quite randomly. 

Anyone or anything in particular make your day better today?

Me and James tidied the house when I got in from work because it was an absolute shithole. So it's nice tidy.

What is bothering you right now?

Probably being tired.

Is it easy to make you cry?

Yes lately kinda. 

Think back to August, were you in a relationship?

Yes.

What kind of shoes did you wear today?

My broken black skate trainers that are falling apart.

Do you currently have a hickey?

No.

In the past week have you hooked up with more than 1 person?

Nope.

Any drama in your life right now?

Changing jobs.

Did you sleep alone last night?

No.

Wearing any bracelets?

No.

Cutest thing that happened to you in the past week?

.?

What color is your hair naturally?

Brown.

[fartytitwank]

Seasons change

Its so strange how cold it is the last like 3 days. Last week it was sweltering hot sunshine, like every one in work was dying because it's so hot and we had to leave the window open at night and it was just BOILING. And then Sunday there was a thunderstorm, and now its freezing, I can smell that wintery smell in the air, it's too cold to go outside without a jumper (and possibly even a coat) and there's a bracing wind! Its mad. I've never known it to happen that quickly before. I feel like a bird in a cage when they do that thing when they kinda jump up and down like What the fuck?!! So yeah. Seasons eh? Madness. 

[fartytitwank]

Monsters and nitpicking

Today has been Thursday. I've been at work today. Went to my last stand up paddle boarding class yesterday, I got there and the teacher said that she'd told everyone who'd been there the last couple of weeks not to come on Wednesday as we'd be going out to sea. So I said I hand't been coz i'd hurt my leg, and I wasn't sure I'd be up to going out to sea, so I just pottered about for an hour, and it was nice but a bit like I thought it would have been nicer had there been an actual class. But yeah, I've still got  2 more classes that I can book onto for free whenever I want so that's good. I don't know when I'll do it though, coz i think i work all the other days that its on and apparently the Wednesday one if quite "hardcore". 

I had the doctor too on Tuesday. I was just going to ask about getting some help for my anxiety but I thought i;d mention the panic attack after boomtown and if they asked, I'd say i'd taken drugs but not unless they asked. But I went in and I said I'd had a panic attack the week before and she went, "panic attack? they said you'd been taking MDMA. I'd say that was an mdma related thing, not a panic attack." and i thought well it obviously was mdma related but that brought on a panic attack, she wasn't bloody there and i was bloody panicking because of the ambulance and the whole situation. So she asked me a few quesitons like in the last 2 weeks how often would i say i'd been anxious/ kept awake by anxiety/ restless/ irritable and easily angered etc and then she asked me what i did and i said i jsut finished uni, and she said and what are you doing now? and i said im working now....in a shop. And she went where? and i said poundland. And she said "oh well maybe you're feeling anxious because you've got a degree in global politics and you're working in poundland." And she said it in a way as if i'd fucking chosen to work there, like someone had said to me, we've got this fucking cracking job working as a diplomat for the UN and you'll be travelling all over the world, learning about different cultures and languages and generally bettering yourself as a person while earning a fuckload of money and making sure you're financially comfortable for the rest of your life..or you could be a lazy shithead and waste your life away in poundland and I thought: oo the former sounds like too much work, I'll just have the shop work thanks. So I just sort of looked at her in an exasperated way, and she said "well I guess in the current climate..." I hate that anyone that hears I work in a shit shop says something like that, like "oh well..in the current climate." or "oh well at lest you have a job". It's like fuck off. I do have a job. It's just like any other shop but everything's a pound and a fair few of the customers are bum heads. At least I can pay the rent. Though of course i am looking for another job.  So then I told the docotr that my anxieties are more irrational like about everyone dying and stuff. And she wrote that down. And she said she'd refer me to the anxiety workshop and then as I was leaving I said "is that everything then?" and she went "yep we'll be in touch. Just DON'T TAKE ANY MORE DRUGS!" It really aggravated me that she said that too. Whenever someone says that to me I instantly feel like some sort of fuck up that can't stop taking drugs. And I can stop! But it's like it reinforces this idea of myself that I used to have, that I'm trying to shake off where I see myself as someone that can't say no to anything. Like if someone offers me drugs i can't help but say yes, and i might end up in hospital or end up wandering around the streets looking for my way home, or fall into a bush and not be able to get out, or piss on my shoes, or in a drawer or not turn down any boy lovin. But this is not who I am anymore! I am now a strong independent woman. And these people telling me to stop taking drugs, only serves to make me feel like I can't stop taking them, because if I could why would they be telling me? They'd be better of telling me to keep taking them, then I'd say no and at least I'd feel like it was my own choice. I definitely think I have some sort of problem, as I've tried really hard the last 3 years to stay away from everything but it's sooo hard, especially when everyone else is taking them, or when there's a night out and I know I might fall asleep if I don't take something, or if it's just expensive. The thought of never having any drug ever again is unbelievably depressing. But saying that, I'm off them now for a long time, a good 5 years at least I think and maybe by then I wont want them anymore. I would like to keep taking K but James said he;s not going to let me take anything and he;'s goig to stop too coz he didn't like seeing me in hospital and not being able to breathe and stuff. We both haven't drank since boomtown, since before the ambulance and we had a drink tonight. We had a bottle of wine between us. I don't think I'd have wanted anymore. Not until I have learned to control my anxiety!

So yeah. Apart from that, (rant over) Pearl festival has been cancelled. I was a bit disappointed. We should have been leaving tomorrow but  it only got cancelled like 2 days ago, yesterday officially. So instead James and I are going to go up to stoke for a visit. I really really really can't wait to see milly. I'm going to eat her up. I saw a new bed for her in a shop i was in on tuesday, I might buy it for her for when she comes back as a coming back present. Though maybe she'd want something more familiar, i'm not sure. It was really nice though. And It'll be nice to see alanna not in a drunk setting, and to see mama, though ive got to get her a bday pressie tomorrow morning now as i was going to get her one at the festival. And to see cairo. Poor bebe is going to be left outside while we're gone.He'll be fine though, when we went away before he ate a dove! 

I'm going to go now and pack my bag for tomorrow.

Bye bye  

[fartytitwank]

This is in my head soooo much of the time it's unreal. I just re-live this in my head over and over again!

[fartytitwank]

New blog

I miss keeping a record of my thoughts. Long ago I kept a diary, then a blog, then a diary but for the past few years I have had no record of my thoughts. I think it's healthy to write things down, then you can look back and realise how things you thought were important might not have been so, and vice versa. I'm just going to empty my head on here..that's the plan anyway. 

The main things going on in my head at the moment are as follows:

1) I miss my dog, Milly. She has a lump under her tit, she had one on the other side which got removed but now she has another one, and I sent her up to Stoke to be looked after by my sister as the vet there is free, but she hasn't been yet because there isn't a convenient time for her to get her operation. I feel fucking awful about this. If it is cancer, it's not being treated because it's inconvenient. And Alanna has told me she seems miserable and she's not going for walks or anything, and I'm miserable here without her. I wish I could communicate with her how much I adore her and miss her. I actually feel like she is part of my soul, and when she dies part of me will die. I know I will never love another dog like I have loved her again. I'm sure I'll love other dogs but it wont be the same. I feel like it's such a strong love because we've had our ups and downs. It hasn't all been plain sailing. We used to not even like each other that much but we've bonded and she's looked after me and I've looked after her and yet now, in her time of need I'm not looking after her. I keep having dreams that I just go up there and take her back and pay for the operation in a private vet. I kind of wish I had. if it had been up to like £350 I think I would have but over that I couldn't have. I couldn't have really for £350 but I think I could have found it from somewhere.We're all off to a festival this weekend though so  the Monday they get back, hopefully they'll call the vet and book her in. I flippin can't wait to get her back here. Bebe (the cat) think's he's all that at the moment because he's got free rein of the house. Yeah that's on my mind pretty much constantly. I can't even look at pictures of her coz it makes me sad, and seeing other dogs makes me really sad.

2) The second thing weighing on my mind is that I need to find a better job. Working is poundland is gash. Minimum wage is gash. I have to start applying to proper jobs and graduate schemes and things, I'm applying to one at the uni, working in registry which I would love to get but I am not too hopeful. When we get back from the festival I'm gonna ring up that call center too and see if they've got any vacancies- then I could ring people up and ask for money for charities. 

3) I'm making an appointment for the doctor tomorrow because last week (exactly one week ago) I called 111 coz I had been having pains in my chest and then every time I fell asleep I stopped breathing and woke up kindof screaming but more shouting...it  was terrifying. So they asked me all these questions (this was a 2:30am) like was there any pain in my back or neck, and were my hands clammy (yes to both) and then said they were sending an ambulance round. Then 2 ambulance men came and picked me up and brought me to hospital, but they said I should go and see my GP to see if they can help me with my anxiety because I'm too anxious for real life. I feel terribly tense lately. It's not just anxiety it's like angst kind of, I'm all pent up. Like today, I was tidying the toy section and this one child came and messed it up like 4 times, after I'd tidied it and I was so frustrated I actually felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I had to go and sit on the toilet for a few minutes and take some deep breaths and calm down. In the hospital I couldn't stay still and they gave me diazapam/diazapan?  And it jsut made me melt into the bed and I couldn't really think or anything and I eventually fell asleep and then was just drowsy for a day. But i went to work every day last week and though I was going to go mad from it. I had yesterday off and got tomorrow off which I think I needed or I'd burst into flames.  I'm also going to ask the doctor about my leg, coz I damaged it falling down from a human pyramid at Pride, and that was over 2 weeks ago and its still not better. And I'm going to ask them about a discoloured mark on my skin which I think could be diabetes or cancer, or nothing. But better to know. 

Yeah so that's all what I've mainly been thinking about. I keep thinking about the future too, anytime I tell anyone I want to save up and go travelling people keep saying just do it now, which was kinda making me think, should I be just doing it now? Maybe I'm not ever going to do it- perhaps its a pipedream?! But it will happen. I want to learn Spanish now so it's like doing something in preparation. And I keep looking at houses with land in Spain and France because you can get smallholdings really cheap there, because me and James have said we might live there when we grow up, just because it would be so expensive to get one here (coz I'll need a small holding for my future menagerie which will consist of: one horse (a grey gelding who is bomb proof and I will sleep in his stable and we'll be best buds), one cow (who will be a lady cow, and she will wear a cow bell and quite possibly be called Daisy or Ermantrude), two pygmy goats (who I will adore, but they'll piss me off too and I will brush them and they'll be really friendly and tame), a collection of chickens, 2 dogs (these will change throughout the years, when we get back from travelling we're gonna get a boxer and a bull terrier but they might not be the same ones that are on the small holding, it depends how long it takes to save up but I told James I aint having no babies til I get a horse, just so we don't become complacent, coz it's easier to get babies than a horse and he'd rather the former whereas I'd rather the latter. And then maybe some farm cats (but I'm thinking a ragdoll house cat would be awesome, but that's not definite).

The ambulance people said I had a heart flutter, which is something some women have that's quite rare- and I looked up heart flutters and it said it might be a sign of heart disease so I might not live to see any of this. But the ambulance people said it's nothing to worry about but I was having a panic attack so if it was an indicator of heart disease I guess it wouldn't have been the best place to tell me.

Anyway, I'm going to go and cook some dinner. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow coz I'm sick of being a fat bastard. I'm going to try to do more weights though than cardio coz I usually do more cardio. I also REALLY want to start doing yoga and get myself into a pole class but it's all so expensive!

James bought me a keyboard today, how lovely of him. I had been talking about how I miss playing piano and would love to get back into it and he bought me one and then came in and told me like 20 minutes after. What a button. 

Okay off I go.