Are we ever going to talk about what Cas went through after 7x17, when he came face to face with the repressed memories of playing God?
Or when he took on Sam’s nightmares and the horror of the Cage?
Later, all of Cas’s struggles got reduced to “he went crazy,” but it’s obvious what really happened: he was overloaded. His whole system crashed — from basic communication to even being able to use his angelic powers.
The bee jokes and the “pull my finger” memes might look funny, but they erase the truth: Cas was carrying guilt, shame, and the unbearable task of trying to hold inside his mind the weight of what he had done.
________________________
Мы когда-нибудь поговорим о том, что переживал Кас после 7x17, когда столкнулся с вытесненными воспоминаниями о том, как он играл в Бога?
Или о том, как он переместил на себя кошмар и ужас, которые Сэм испытал в клетке Люцифера?
Все проблемы Каса позже свели к якобы «сумасшествию», хотя очевидно, что на самом деле он был перегружен и у него случился полный сбой по всем базовым навыкам: от коммуникативных до способности пользоваться ангельскими силами.
Мемы про пчёл и «дерни палец» могут казаться забавными, но в них теряется суть: персонаж переживает вину, стыд, пытается вместить в свою психику то, что он сотворил.
Part IV: There’s Nothing in This World I Wouldn’t Do
[I] [II] [III] [IV]
Oh, would you look at the clock! It’s Sam time again!
Remember, this meta has NO NEGATIVITY OR HATE. That’s not how I roll. ❤
Also, the purpose of this meta is to make Season 8 Sam more clear for people that may not necessarily be Sam stans, because if you don’t connect to him on a deeper level, it makes it very hard to understand him sometimes. Hell, even then it can be difficult! He hides his true self - that’s just how he is.
To reiterate: Just because a character feels a certain way does not mean it is justified or even that what they are upset about is even true. It just means that’s how they feel - no more, no less. Feelings don’t have to be based on fact, and often aren’t.
ALRIGHTY, so we’ve covered two of the three story threads that are the key to understanding Sam in Season 8 - Amelia and Benny. But, of course, there is that third one.
BUT FIRST, we gotta back up a little. A Prelude to Trials, if you will.
Sam has just saved Dean from Benny’s poisonous influence (as he sees it), as well as cut off his own outside relationship - though not given up on his dreams. But this severing leaves them both lonely, and Sam still hurt from Dean’s comments about not being able to trust him. Despite this, Sam can’t stand to see Dean despondent, and is happy to give him some joy, as well as see him start settling down and enjoying himself. After all, Sam would do anything to see Dean happy.
But then this trials thing comes up, and it becomes clear that Dean is not okay at all.
And this breaks Sam’s heart. He knows this isn’t true - Dean is his hero. Dean is smart, Dean is amazing, Dean is good. He’s The Man without Sin.
He wants to help his brother - and though he didn’t plan it, something happens that provides him just such an opportunity.
He could give Dean hope.
All he wants from Dean is to believe him, to trust in him.
Please. I’ll make it up to you for not looking for you.
Please trust me. I won’t let you down this time.
Then, of course, the Trials start taking their toll.
But that’s just physical pain. A Winchester doesn’t give into things like “physical pain.” He’s fine.
Sam couldn’t give less of a crap about physical pain. Whatever it is, he’s been through far worse.
Then, something happens. Something that recontextualizes everything, that makes it all hurt so much more. Makes it all mean so much more.
Benny wasn’t evil after all. In fact, Benny was everything Dean wanted, everything he needed. And Sam had made Dean leave him.
Then Sam had gotten him killed.
What have I done? I’ve hurt Dean - and I’ve let him down. Again.
See, Sam hating himself, from who he is down to what he is, is nothing new. But after being reminded of how much he lets Dean down, after seeing Dean trust a vampire more than him, it just enforces to him how much worse than a vampire he is.
Suddenly, this pain, this suffering he’s going through takes on this whole new meaning.
Who gives a fuck about his dreams, he doesn’t deserve them. This is what he deserves. Punishment, pain, purification. Let it hurt him.
But, of course, absolution and ridding the world of demons isn’t the only reason he’s doing this.
There’s never just one reason with these boys.
There’s always something else.
Something far more personal than just “shutting the Gates of Hell”… and far more simple.
Because Dean wants them shut. Dean wants this - and Sam will do anything for Dean, anything in the world to make him happy, to make it up to him for his many sins. Because Dean sure hasn’t forgotten them.
So he’ll do it. No matter what it costs, he’ll do it. He won’t let Dean down this time. He’ll do this one thing right.
So I re-watched the pilot today and it not only made me realize once more why I fell in love with the show, but also made me feel such glee about the way SPN used to be filmed (actually on film), how much symbolism was put into each shot, the shadow-light-play, all the gorgeous and telling angles and frames and silhouettes shots.
Most of all though, going back to the roots of SPN, it also gave me a few thoughts in relation to S12, because the pilot and the story of the “Woman in White” of course has always served as a mirror and parallel to Mary and the Winchesters’ story, Mary is the other “Woman in White” introduced and killed in the first episode of the show, but unlike and in direct opposition her life isn’t taken by the element of water but fire (a theme and pattern that gets revisited in 1x03 “Dead in the Water” with Lukas as a Dean mirror losing his father to the element of water).
Now, the most important aspect however is the catch phrase of Constance:
“I can never go home”
Not only in this episode it is repeated and replayed in various forms, like for example Dean telling Sam that he’s going to “take him home” at the end of the episode, but it is also a huge “red flag” as such, because Dean later in S1 admits that he swore himself that he’d never go back to Lawrence, which basically accounts to him “never going home”, because the memories simply are much too painful.
Now, the important and interesting bit to keep in mind here is Constance’s story and how she came to be a “Woman in White”. Suffering from temporary insanity due to her husband not being faithful to her, killed her children and after that killed herself, thus becoming a ghost unable to ever “go home” out of fear of her children and not being able to face them, because of what she did to them.
If you think back on this detail and how Mary herself is a “Woman in White” and also returned in S12 as a “Woman in White” (and with that also as a death omen), then you know why Mary won’t stay with her kids, why she flees from them. She can “never go home”, “be home”, because as she says herself in 12x02 “Mamma Mia” “she started all of this” and in that episode she openly lets Dean know that she doesn’t know how she could face Sam knowing what happened to him with Azazel. Mary is on the run, she has been all throughout S12, on the run from her kids, but much more than that herself, her conscience. And even though unlike Constance she didn’t drown her kids, both of her sons died (multiple times) due to her death and how/why she died.
The one who sees the “Woman in White” - a death omen - and takes her home pays that journey with his life and well, given that Dean was the one in the season premiere to tell his mom that he’d “get her home”, that doesn’t bode well for him at all... The big difference between Dean and any of those other random victims of Constance is that he wasn’t unfaithful, his heart is pure, so maybe that will make all the difference in the world in the end and will see Dean come out of this stronger than before.
Cas says he’s sorry it all ended this way. Dean hits him.
And then it bursts out: Dean snaps, yelling that angels and Heaven are “sons of bitches.” And he’s not wrong. But Cas isn’t wrong either
Cas: the weight of Heaven
He doubts, but still clings to orders.
“Why save them? I see nothing but pain. Look into your soul—there’s guilt, anger, confusion. In Heaven, all sins will be forgiven.”
This is the voice of a soldier who’s seen too much, hiding behind doctrine because the alternative is unbearable
Dean: pure defiance
He looks Cas straight in the eyes:
“Shove your Heaven up your ass. Better pain, guilt, and Sam than being a prisoner in paradise.”
Dean isn’t just arguing—he’s reaching out. He shows Cas a world worth dying for. A bond worth keeping.
Cas on the edge of choice
For the first time, he breaks. No longer calm, distant, slow—he acts.
This is the moment Cas starts turning against Heaven. Not out of rebellion, but out of attachment.
_____________________
4х22 — на распутье
Кас говорит, что ему жаль, что всё закончилось именно так. Дин бьёт его.
И дальше — всплеск: Дин срывается, кричит, что ангелы и небеса — «сукины дети». И он не ошибается. Но и Кас не ошибается
Кас: тяжесть небес
Он сомневается, но всё ещё держится за приказы.
«Зачем их спасать? Я вижу лишь боль. Загляни в душу — там вина, гнев, смятение. А в раю все грехи простятся».
Это голос солдата, который слишком много видел и пытается спрятаться за доктриной, потому что альтернатива — невыносима.
Дин: чистая дерзость
Он смотрит Касу прямо в глаза:
«Засунь свой рай себе в зад. Лучше боль, вина и Сэм, чем быть пленником в раю».
Дин не просто спорит — он тянется к Касу. Он показывает мир, за который стоит умереть. Связь, которую стоит сохранить
Кас пытается сделать выбор
Впервые он ломается. Уже не спокойный, не отстранённый, не медленный — он действует.
Это тот момент, когда Кас начинает идти против небес. Не из бунта, а из-за привязанности.
Remember, this meta has NO NEGATIVITY OR HATE. That’s not how I roll. ❤
Also, the purpose of this meta is to make Season 8 Sam more clear for people that may not necessarily be Sam stans, because if you don’t connect to him on a deeper level, it makes it very hard to understand him sometimes. Hell, even then it can be difficult! He hides his true self - that’s just how he is.
Something to note: I will not be covering stuff that obviously happened. This is about the Sam stuff that happens between the lines or under the surface.
Something else to note: Just because a character feels a certain way does not mean it is justified or even that what they are upset about is even true. It just means that’s how they feel - no more, no less. Feelings don’t have to be based on fact, and often aren’t.
We all good? OKAY THEN, META TIME!
Anyhow, Sam just got back to the cabin, searching for his future, only to find something else there instead.
Dean. Dean’s alive, somehow, and he’s here. Sam’s not alone anymore, and he’s just so happy.
But then, the moment is over.
Dean’s angry at him.
After all, from Dean’s point of view, he’s been in Purgatory, in a war zone, waiting for Sam to figure something out while he tried to find his own way to escape. Sam would come through for him right?
But instead Sam did nothing?
From his point of view, Sam just dropped him like an old shoe and left him to rot for a year to go play house.
But that’s not true, is it? Yet that is how he feels. And Sam doesn’t bother to really defend himself. Why would he? Sam’s always been hard on himself. In his mind, Dean’s right, somehow he should have just known he wasn’t in Heaven, should have just known he was in Purgatory, should have just known where to look to find out how to break him out without Bobby or Cas or… well, anyone’s help. After all, he left his brother to suffer.
Hell, he still feels guilty about this years later.
Then it gets worse.
Kevin. He’d just left him. Sam doesn’t fight or defend himself from these either, you can see the pain on his face, both from Kevin’s situation and Dean’s disapproval. He let them both down. Again.
Sam feels like that’s all he can do anymore. But, they’ll fix this, right? Help Kevin, hunt a bit, do everything in his power to please Dean, and that will make everything okay.
Not that it doesn’t mean he can’t still pursue his dreams.
Sam still wants a future, wants a life. Not one separate from Dean - he still deeply loves Dean - but one where he’s more independant, where he helps Dean, but not necessarily where his whole identity is wrapped up in hunting. A future where he can be his own person. Hell, he doesn’t even think Dean wants him around.
Dean’s probably better off, probably happier without him. Dean’s fine on his own, anyway. He’s The Man without Sin.
But then… there’s a snag.
Dean’s palling around with a monster. I’ll say that again. Dean Fucking Winchester is palling around with a monster. Dean if you’ve ever killed someone, you deserve to die Winchester.
Dean doesn’t “pal around” with monsters. So what does this Benny want from him? What scheme is he trying to pull? Why is Dean hiding his calls and not telling Sam about him at all?
Because, if you will recall, the last time a Winchester pal’d around with a monster, hiding calls, keeping secrets about them…
It didn’t end well. This is Ruby 3.0 over here, having done something to Dean to trick him into trusting him.
So Sam responds the same way Dean did back then.
Seriously, replace “Benny” with “Ruby” and it smells like Season 4 all over again - there’s even that bit of jealousy that Season 4 had, too.
Suddenly, Sam’s dreams are put on hold. Dean’s safety is more important. He’s not going to lose him to some vampire.
He convinces Dean to not really see the vampire anymore, but Sam still keeps tabs on this Benny, keeping track of where he goes, of any blood-draining that may or not be happening around him.
And he gets a hit.
So he sends someone to make sure. But who could he send? Can’t send Bobby, or Rufus, or Ellen, or Jo, can’t send Garth, he’s taking care of Kevin… who has he got? He searches for anyone he can call a favor in for - he needs to make sure it’s Benny doing this and not someone else. So he gets to the bottom of his small rolodex.
Martin. Sure, whatever, he’ll do in a pinch, he just has to make him promise to just watch and not do anything.
And then he gets a hit.
The other shoe just dropped. Benny’s finally slipped up, and now maybe his grip on Dean can loosen. Whatever Benny’s got on him, it’s all over. He can set Dean free.
And he did.
Sam saved him. He stopped Ruby 3.0. Dean’s free, he’s safe.
But then, months later, Sam discovers something.
Benny is… amazing. He’s not evil at all. He’s kind and gentle, loyal and trustworthy. He’s good. He’s everything Dean wants from a friend.
It figures, right? The one time he protects Dean from someone, it’s from the best friend he’s probably ever had. Benny’s everything Dean wishes he was. Hell, Benny’s everything Sam wishes he was.
I mean, “Dean” has even called him a vampire, when the reality was far worse.
What have I done? He’s a vampire and I’m still more monstrous than he is.
All I do is let Dean down.
Not that he vocalizes any of this. Dean already knows I’m just a fuckup that ruins everything.
But that’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.
Because Sam’s going to make it up to him.
TOOOOO BE CONTINUED - STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL PART! Don’t worry, things only get worse from here!
Remember, this meta has NO NEGATIVITY OR HATE. That’s not how I roll. ❤
Anyhoo, the purpose of this meta is to make Season 8 Sam more clear for people that may not necessarily be Sam stans, because if you don’t connect to him on a deeper level, it makes it very hard to understand him sometimes. Hell, even then it can be difficult! He hides his true self - that’s just how he is.
ON TO THE META
Something that has to be stated before we can go on with this semi-chronological look at Sam in Season 8 is the basis for the whole conflict itself: the promise.
The promise to end the cycle of deals and sacrifices. So, when Dean explodes in the finale of Season seven, making a deal for Dean had to have crossed Sam’s mind. And while he would have recalled the promise, knowing how Sam gets when he loses Dean...
There had to have been something else that kept Sam from bringing him back - and that something is incredibly simple.
Barring that instance with the demon deal, where have Sam and Dean always gone when they die?
Heaven.
So, when Dean died, Sam thought he was in Heaven - happy, and without conflict, pain, or guilt. He was free. What kind of selfish thing would it be to sacrifice so much to bring him back to earth, back to suffering, when he was finally at peace?
Because, remember, why in the world would Sam think Dean went to Purgatory?
Now, when Sam suffers loss, he deals with it by focusing on something else. Lose Jess? Get revenge. Lose Dad? Get revenge. Lose Dean? Bring him back. Can’t? Get revenge. Dean is a demon? Find him. Find a cure. Lose Rowena, Crowley, Cas, and Mom? Find a way to get one back. Sam, when in despair, especially when he has nothing else to steer his ship by, finds something, anything to focus on instead.
But here? He doesn’t have one. Dick Roman is dead - he can’t take revenge. He can’t bring Dean back. And, remember, this is right after a whole Season of Dean being the anchor grounding him to reality, to sanity.
Something Crowley uses to drive him deeper into despair so Sam will leave him alone.
Dean is gone. Cas is gone. Bobby is gone. Kevin is gone. Everyone is gone. It’s just him. He has nothing.
And how does Sam get when he has nothing?
Suicidal.
So what did Sam do? Well, that’s obvious.
Something suicidal.
It’s not stated exactly what, but, generally, it’s accepted that some time after Dean’s death, Sam, driven mad with despair, got in the Impala and made his way for a bridge to drive it over or for a river to drive it into. At least that way he could take her to Heaven, too.
But then, in his recklessness, something happened. Something that changed everything, something radical, something unexpected, something monumental, something that saved his life.
And, suddenly, Sam had a mission. Something to live for.
He could save a dog.
So he wrapped it up and rushed it to the nearest vet he could find.
Then, while there, he’s confronted with something else. A new mission.
Take care of the dog.
He could do that. He could live for the dog. He doesn’t know exactly how to take care of a dog, but he will do his best.
Where again he meets…
Amelia. Amelia, who’s naturally suspicious of this huge scary man who has a shady past, seems to be stalking her, and doesn’t seem to belong anywhere.
Which is all a perfection understandable reaction - not being cautious about Big Strange Men is the quickest way to end up in the first five minutes of SPN or SVU. Which Sam understands, so he gives her space.
If not for Riot.
And they just end up talking. He has to prove himself to her - prove that he’s not a creepy serial killer or a stalker, prove he has good intentions, prove he doesn’t judge or pity her. And she responds in kind. He’s pushy to her assistant at the vet, so she’s pushy right back. If he’s kind and open, so is she. She expects more than the bare minimum, and respects effort.
And can’t help but be charmed his sweet awkwardness.
If Riot gives Sam a reason to live for the present, Amelia gives him a reason to live for the future. Because she wants him to be better. She wants him to enjoy life - and she doesn’t think he has to save the world to earn that right. Hell, what’s one of the first things she says to him, genuinely, and without any sarcasm?
A hero. Not for sacrificing his body, mind, or soul over and over again, but for showing compassion on a helpless animal. He didn’t have to save the world. He just had to be good and kind.
Dean may be gone, but that doesn’t mean his life has to be over. It’s a little late, but he can dare to dream of a future. It’s what Dean would want, right? For him to be happy: the same dream he wished for Dean - a normal life.
So Sam dared to reach for the thing he’s always wanted to have.
A family, a dog... hell, the ability to enjoy some good food.
He got to just appreciate the little things. He even rekindled the other big dream he’s always had - one that was stolen from him long ago.
Go back to school. Become a lawyer; use that to help people.
As time goes on, Sam regains some of the lost confidence and self-worth he had back in at Stanford, tempered by wisdom and mellowed by time. He’s allowed himself to become his own person again. He doesn’t have to constantly sacrifice everything to prove his worth, he can just live. Yes, Dean’s loss would forever leave a hole in his heart, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to experience joy again. Sam can still be happy and content, have a life full of purpose and meaning. He can, finally, after all these years, dare to dream.
But that’s the thing about dreaming in the Supernatural universe.
Because, inevitably, you have to wake up.
So Sam accepted that, bowed out, and left. That part of the dream was over, and, yeah, it hurt. It really hurt.
That didn’t mean he didn’t have a future, though. Just not with her. And that’s okay. He could still have a family and a dog with someone else, still pursue his degree. He was no longer lost in a pit of despair, reliant on another to give his life purpose. He still had a reason to keep going.
But he needed somewhere to live until then. So he returned to the last home he knew: his and his brother’s old HQ - Rufus’s cabin - in hopes of a future.
And found someone there.
OOHHH LOOK ALL THIS AND SEASON EIGHT HASN’T EVEN REALLY STARTED! IS THIS TOO LONG? PROBABLY! STAY TUNED FOR PART III!
First of all, I want to state that I love all of TFW - there will be no hate for any of my babies here! This is only presenting Sam’s point of view in Season 8 and his thoughts and feelings therein. If he has feelings or opinions about things, that doesn’t make them right, that just means that’s how he feels - that’s all. I LOVE ALL MY BABIES. THERE IS NO NEGATIVITY ON THIS BLOG, SO DON’T BE AFRAID OF ANY HATE HAPPENING, BECAUSE IT WON’T.
Got that? Good. ❤
Anyhoo, the purpose of this meta is to make Season 8 Sam more clear for people that may not necessarily be Sam stans. This is not to say anyone is lesser or to talk down to anyone who isn’t a Sam stan - not at all! We can all learn from each other’s understanding of different facets. For instance, if you don’t connect to Sam on a deeper level, it makes it very hard to understand him sometimes. Hell, even then it can be difficult! He hides his true self - that’s just how he is.
Now before we get really into this, something has to be made perfectly clear. In order to say it, we have to read Sam’s mind. The only problem is, we can’t read Sam’s mind.
But there is someone who can.
Chuck...
...and anyone who reads his books. Now, we can’t jump into a dimensional rift and read those books ourselves, but we can listen to those who read and respect them. And what do those who can actually see Sam’s thoughts say about how Sam sees Dean?
Dean is the Perfect Brother, The Man without Sin. To Sam, this is what Dean has always been. His hero.
And, for the purposes of this meta, there’s something that Sam wants from Dean. I mean, there are many things, but for now, we’re just going to focus on one.
For Dean to trust him. Partially because he respects Dean and wants Dean’s respect in turn, but also because Sam has a lot of issues about himself. These issues generally boil down to one thing: Sam believes that deep down, at his core, he’s evil. He’s a monster. But if he has the approval of The Man without Sin… then maybe he isn’t.
...WELL THAT WAS A CHEERFUL START! STAY TUNED FOR PART II!
[I] [II] [III] [IV]
Special thanks to @castielsunshinegrace, @elizabethrobertajones, and @thejabberwock for all their help and support!
the reason the empty wants revenge, even though it was supposed to be a neutral entity - like death, is that, like death, it wants balance. the empty suffered when cas woke up. it wants cas to suffer too. and if somewhere along the way it went too far (making every demon and angel there suffer too), then it's because true balance never really existed in supernatural.
