The Honey House, Chapter 26
Everything and Nothing
MASTERLIST
Daryl left Rae with a map that would lead her back to Alexandria and she walked the final stretch of her journey, arriving home in the cover of darkness. She didn’t tell her people the whole truth of where she had been. Partly because she didn’t know the whole truth but mostly because she wanted more time. All she told them was not to talk to Negan’s men and not to let them inside the walls but everyone knew something wasn’t right. She could see it in the fear that began to live in their eyes and hear it in the hushed whispers that began to spread around the gardens.
Rae’s hesitation to tell Tim that Rick had been outright lying about Negan was all it took for him to believe Negan was everything he suspected and more. She thought he would say something to the others but he didn’t and for that she was grateful.
Now it was the day of Negan’s arrival, or at least the day he’d said he would arrive and Rae stood watch on the platform above the gate, worrying the wooden walkway as she paced. He’d promised her a visit in a week but that didn’t mean he would arrive on time, like all people good or bad a promise was much easier to make than it was to keep.
Tim spotted him first, “over there,” he whispered, his finger pointing to where Negan strolled through the long grass. He had Lucille on one shoulder, a shiny red gift box in his hand and he smiled when their eyes met. Rae waved, the gesture limp before she almost fell down the ladders to meet him at the gate. Her heart was pounding, fight or flight mode kicking in as she wondered if signalling for the gate to be opened was the wisest idea. It was too late. The gate cracked open and she stood on the threshold, unsure of how to hold the expression on her face as he finished the rest of his journey with a huge grin and a spring in his step.
“I’ve missed you Red,” he announced to anyone who could hear before taking her in his arms and holding her between the gift box and Lucille. Rae didn’t pull away, she savoured the feel of him, the hardness of his chest, the soft leather of his jacket. She closed her eyes, enjoying the way his face nestled his face against her hair, his lips soft and still comforting as they pressed to her temple. “I brought you the supplies I promised, baby, but I told my men they had to wait with them at the farm. I didn’t wanna waste another fucking minute without having you all to myself.”
Rae didn't answer, she pressed her nose further into the smell of his jacket, words sticking in her throat before he finally freed her from the safety of his embrace and held out his gift box with a devilish smile, “red for Red.”
She took it with reluctance, feeling the weight of it in her hands and wondering how this moment would have felt if she’d never met Rick Grimes. But she had met Rick Grimes and the moment could only feel one way, sullied. As she untied the bow Negan sidled close enough to whisper into her ear, “you might wanna open that in private, baby.”
“I’ll open in now!” Rae snapped, all the hurt of the past few days bubbling against the way he made her feel. Like she was special, like this thing between them was real. She tore open the box like a greedy child, letting the cardboard fall away until her fingers were clenched tight around racy red lingerie, her heart sinking, “you must have a lot of practice choosing out gifts like these.”
“I spent all week thinking about you,” he brushed his thumb across her cheek and she jerked away from his touch.
“Jesus Christ Red, it's been one week, don’t tell me you’ve gone back to being a fucking ice queen because I gotta tell you baby, I had very specific plans that involved your very soft sweet side looking very fucking hot.”
She glared at him, he didn’t care about her at all, “I suppose I should be grateful that you came here to fuck me, should I?”
Negan laughed, he even had the audacity to almost look hurt, “did you take a knock to the fucking head while I was gone?” She didn’t answer and his smile quirked back into place, “or are you playing hard to get? Or maybe…” his voice was low now, “you’re just itching for me to spank your smart ass.”
She held her tongue even if a million words wanted to come pouring out. The Taser Mark gave her before they went to fight Jacob was currently sitting heavily in her coat pocket, she slipped her hand against it brushing her thumb over the trigger and then everything happened quickly.
The look on his Negan’s face was fleeting but it was enough to break what had been left of her heart, disappointment, confusion, betrayal. He dropped to the floor leaving her wracked with the kind of regret that told her just how much she cared about Negan, how much she was in love with him despite every reason against it.
She crouched to the floor, grabbing his wrist. Just because she loved him didn’t mean he wasn’t lying and this was the end of the world she couldn’t just delete his number from her phone and stop answering his calls. “Help me with him,” she called to Tim who was standing by just waiting for this moment. They each took an arm each, dragging Negan’s limp body to the barn where she’d prepared for his arrival.
///
Negan’s body was on fire and it wasn’t from the jolt of electricity that Red had shocked him with, it was anger. What the fucking hell had happened? He assumed the worse as he slowly came back to his senses in fact, he assumed he probably deserved whatever the hell he had coming to him.
His arms were tied above his head with rope, the tips of his boots scraping across the straw covered floor just enough to stop him from being in excruciating pain but not enough to be comfortable. When he looked up he saw Rae, patiently sitting on a bale of hay, her hands in her lap and her eyes watching his every move.
She looked relieved and even though the barn was lit only by the cracks in the wood he could tell that she’d been crying. “This is some kinky shit you’re into Red, even for my fucking tastes,” Negan said trying to lighten the mood and falling flat as for the briefest moment he thought she might cry again.
Rae stood, clenching her jaw and seeming to pull her big girl panties all the way up before she demanded, “tell me everything!”
He might have known. “Everything would take a long damn time, baby doll. Why don’t you tell me what you wanna know?”
Rae surged forward, any hints that she’d been crying now long gone, “don’t fuck with me, Negan!”
“Oh, I wish I could,” he laughed nervously, gently testing the strength of his restraints. If he thought he’d seen her angry before he was certain he was going to see worse now. Her eyes were sharp and wild, the eyes of a woman prepared to do much more than thrust a stun gun into his chest.
“I’ve met Rick, I’ve been to Alexandria.”
Negan could feel his face pulling into a snarl, he couldn’t help it. His arms jerked harder against his restraints, his mind conjuring images of Rick and how satisfied that fucker must have been when he found Rae. “That little prick!”
“I already know everything but I want to hear it from you so don’t fuck with me, sweetheart.”
The way she said it pissed him off and amused him in equal measures. He’d never wanted to take her over his knee more than he did in this very moment. It was laughable really, if he wasn’t chained up like a Virgin Sacrifice then he’d be laughing his fucking ass off at the way she’d taken him down. The way she was standing in this barn, interrogating him while he swung from the rafter like an oversized pinata.
“So what exactly did Rick the prick say? Hm… I killed his men? Well let me tell you something sweetheart, he killed mine so that makes us fucking equal in my books and I don’t regret a single fucking one of them. Hell, I gave him a chance, I told him I only had to kill one, he killed more than thirty of mine and I told him one.” Negan laughed, “let’s not forget that I killed for you and that you thanked me for it as I fucking recall.”
Rae kept her eyes trained on him, barely even flinching at his admission or questioning his answers and that’s when he realised it wasn’t the arrangement or the killing that bothered her. No, Rae was smarter than that. She was a practical woman like he was a practical man. He laughed harder, maybe the sound of it would cover the way his heart was starting to pound. There was no avoiding it now but he still tried, “or maybe he told you something more interesting?”
That got her, that had those green eyes lighting up like a feral cat, “why didn’t you ask me to marry you Negan? You like wives, right? Is there something wrong with me? Did I not suck your dick good enough? Or did you bring me a ring to go with that trashy lingerie? I guess asking sometime to marry you after the first fuck is pretty quick even for a man with a harem of women.”
He didn’t know if that was what she planned on saying, it was sloppy, her voice choking in parts, her words fumbling. She thought she knew everything but she was wrong. “You don't know jack shit, baby.”
“I know you fuck five other women!”
“We’ve all fucked people. As a matter of fact sweetheart, it was you fucking Jacob that got you into this whole fucking mess.”
Rae slapped him and it hurt like a sonofabitch but he shook it off, forcing out a bitter laugh. “I told you I don’t want a holy vessel, I don’t care who you fucked before you met me, the only thing I care about is that I don’t share, not with you, Red.”
“God, you’re an asshole!” she screeched.
“You already knew that,” he retorted. Part of him wanted Rae to find her own way to trust him, to give him the benefit of the doubt before she did whatever it was she had planned. Yes, he had wives but he hadn’t touched a single one of them since he’d met her and after one thunderous conversation he’d told them the whole shit show was over. Maybe he’d taken the heel of Kirsten’s boot to the back of his head for nothing.
Rae turned her back to him, staring at the door for the longest time while he stared at the back of her head, wondering how the hell he was going to get out of this and if he could make her see sense when she was so angry. When she turned to face him, she didn’t look angry any more she just looked tired, exhausted, it was how he had felt every morning he woke up in the Sanctuary, until he met her.
She wrapped her arms around her centre, holding herself together, “was this ever real for you, Negan? Any of this?”
Negan pulled his arms against the restraint the pain biting into his flesh as he held his tongue. Even if he was almost willing to confess everything to stop the look that was sitting on her face. He wasn’t the kind of man to spill his guts, reel off lines of love poetry or handpick bouquets of flowers to match the pink of her cheeks. He was the kind of man that forget anniversaries, the kind of man that always said the wrong thing.
Rae scoffed, barely giving him a chance to answer and barely even looking at him, “you know what? I don’t even wanna hear your answer. You’re a liar. You know just what to say and I was stupid enough to believe in you.”
His heart sank, he’d been holding onto to some sort of hope that she’d realise how much he cared about her but he hadn’t done enough, he hadn’t had enough time to prove himself. “Seems to me you’ve already made up your mind, baby doll.”
Rae opened her mouth to say something before reconsidering, walking away and letting the door slam shut behind her without a word of goodbye or a plan for what she would do next.
Negan didn’t call her name, it rested on the tip of his tongue, hIs pride stifling the words. He’d never begged for forgiveness and he wasn’t sure he could do it now, he wasn’t even sure he could be forgiven. He pulled his arms harder against the restraints, the rope cutting even deeper into his flesh and he didn’t stop. He’d make it out of this barn then he’d show Red exactly how fucking wrong she was. What came after he couldn’t say but he was in love with this crazy redhead whether he wanted it or not.
///
Rae didn’t look at anyone as she made her way across the garden to the potting shed. She slumped into her thinking spot, feeling the bite of frost cutting through her jeans as she settled onto the ground, trying to decide what she wanted to do.
Negan, Rick, it seemed to her they were both as bad as each other. Like children telling tales to a parent that hadn’t been watching. They’d put her in an impossible position with no easy choice. When she’d seen Negan in Alexandria and heard about his wives she’d wanted to kill him but from the moment she’d seen him walking through the grass she’d known she could never truly hurt him. It was like Mark had said, she wasn't a killer.
“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on? Or should I ask the gentleman you have tied up in my barn?” Grandma interrupted Rae’s thoughts, dragging her back to the cold.
Rae looked at her hands, rubbing them together to buy herself time. She hadn’t told Grandma Ellie the truths she should have shared but it was too late to keep avoiding things. “I don’t know if we can trust Negan, there are people out there that want to fight him, maybe even kill him. They asked for my help, they told me that he’ll hurt us when we he gets the chance.”
“Who are these people, Rae?”
She wiped her hands over her face, “does it matter?”
Grandma slumped against the shed, easing onto the floor with a groan that came with age. It’s funny how you never notice someone getting older, the change is so slow that you miss the point when the person you looked to for strength becomes the one you need to protect. When Rae was little she would press her head against her grandma's chest and let the rise and fall of her breathing chase away anything bad. Now her hair was all white, her ankles as skinny as a birds and her breathing raspy in the cold. Rae settled her head against Grandma’s bosom and she smelled the same even felt the same but the comfort of a Grandma couldn’t chase away the problems that were haunting her. “I don’t know what to do.”
Grandma stroked her hair, “Negan has never hurt us and I don’t think he ever will. I admit when he came to this house I saw nothing but questionable intentions but I think he left with honourable ones. Now, I might not always see eye to eye with him, he’s crude, brash and could do with more than one lesson in manners but I know a good man when I see one, in his heart, he’s trying to be good and when he’s with you,” she tilted Rae’s face so she was looking at her, “I can see you make each other smile and that's the most important thing, especially now.”
Rae forced her smile, she wished things were as simple as a smile. She couldn't tell Grandma about the wives or anything like that. She knew it would only hurt her and she wanted to save her from the pain even if she couldn't save herself.
“Thank you,” she whispered and she meant it, she knew what she needed to do now, it was what she’s known since she’d seen Negan walking through that field and prayed to God it was all some big mistake.
Rae told Grandma to get out of the cold and head back to the house before she made her way back to the barn. She opened the door, bracing herself for another conversation with Negan but when she stepped inside, Negan was gone.
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