Gail, I wish you were still alive to see hayffie finally become canon. you would have lost your fucking mind! You’d love it. We would be screaming on skype. We came from nothing and now we’re here and they kissed and it is so glorious! and I can’t imagine your reaction if you find out that its canon because ebanks and woody wanted to make out ( you’d laugh so hard, i’d imagine) and they’re both two awesome captains.
Gail!! Happiest Birthday, my dearest friend! Last time this year you pretended to be annoyed with me because I asked "is it your birthday today?" I don't know how the afterlife is but I hope you're rocking it. I hope you have disco balls & crazy ass music for your birthday & a giant cake. I miss you! I see you in every chendol & every durian they sell on the street. Each time I drink chendol it'll remind me of how you said you've found the recipe and if I can ship the chendol machine over. Hahaha you cray. Happy birthday, dude. I really miss talking to you (also love you!) 😘
I haven’t logged into here for ages, but I just heard about Gail. We didn’t talk much but when we did, it was awesome and I remember all of our conversations. She will be dearly missed, not just by the Hayffie fandom but by all who knew her.
R.I.P Gail. You’re in a better place now, but I wish you hadn’t been taken from us so soon.
Two years and still counting. You told me that we would always be friends, even though we are not talking about fangirling stuff, we would always be there for each other.
You are one of my first friends online, I probably didn’t tell you that. Thanks to your Hayffie chat, I met other people, befriended other people, but you would be different. Maybe because we came from the same country.
I never thought that this would happen, you know? You knew that I would always be here for you, just like you would for me. But now, even though you’re gone, I am still here.
Thank you Gail, for everything. For being my Ate, the older sister I will never have. For giving me advices and kicking the hell out of anyone who makes me feel sad and unimportant. For being my fellow Hayffie shipper, and also for being a Royai one (even though I ship them harder than you). For suggesting some k-pop songs that you once liked. For being a very proud and supportive friend when you found out that I passed the UPCAT. For being you.
We have plans, Gail. You should’ve fetched me here in Manila and we will go there in Cebu, or we will go to Singapore and visit Aidah, but now it would not happen.
Honestly, I don’t know what else is there to say. I already messaged you on Kik, and there’s all I wanted to say to you. If you want you can go check it out lol.
I will miss you, Ate Gail (I am SO calling you that now even though I know you hate it). We’ll see each other again. See, we haven’t even seen each other personally! You could visit me right now; I won’t be spooked. God loves you, Gail. You are now in the right hands. And you’ll never be forgotten.
For the past 4 months, I expected to receive some random message from you to say you’re okay but I know that’s not going to happen now.
I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to find out about this. When Eun told me to go check, we both kept hoping it was a joke. A cruel joke but at least you’d still be okay. Your friend told me about it so it must be true, and Eun and I found out other things which broke my heart.
You used to say reading my hayffie fanfic provided you with a form of escape but I wish you’d have talk to me. I mean you did but I wish there was more that I could do.
I used to go to you and ask, “will this plot work?” and when I feel sucky, you encouraged me to write. You were such a dear friend and we used to talk about a lot of things like teaching each other our language.
At work, when I found out, I went to tumblr under your tag, and I read all our replies and messages. I found that post about the Christmas card I sent you and it made me laugh. I wanted to go Cebu in 2013 but you said to wait until end of this year, and then you’ll bring me to the biggest mall in Cebu which will open this year. I wish I hadn’t waited.
There are so many things about you I remember but most of all, i remember you saying that we’d be friends long after mockingjay part two is released and there’s no more hayffie to fangirl about.
My mother asked about you at dinner, i broke down and cried. You were the very first friend I made in the hayffie fandom and to use your own words, “i won’t forget you”.
I miss you. I actually opened my Kik to send you a text about you.
I will miss you. I hope wherever you are, your soul found peace and that you’re happy. You should know you’re hella awesome and your friendship is something I will cherish..
I don’t have any fanfic to update today except to make this post.
I’m tagging this as hayffie because Gail ( supgg ) was very much a part of our fandom. Since we’re a very small fandom, I’m sure some of you knew her and would want to know what happened to her. You’d remember her as the person who organised our Hayffie chat every Saturday a few years back when we still had one.
Since December 2014, Eun ( a-proud-fangirl ), and I noticed that she wasn’t active online. We’ve been trying to contact her ever since. We tried everywhere on social media. It wasn’t just like her to disappear off from twitter, ignore our messages on tumblr and not reply to our texts. We thought that her area had no wifi from the typhoon. We thought she was busy with school. We thought she lost internet privileges. So we continued to send her random messages periodically but there was nothing, not a word from her.
We continued thinking that she’s fine somewhere in Cebu until today when we found out what happened, four months after it happened.
Gail is gone. She passed away on December 2014.
We didn’t expect this, and it came so much as a shock. We thought her friends here in the fandom should know, too.
For supgg, who wanted an angsty Hayffie based on Blue Valentine which was, simply put, a story about falling out of love.
Panthalassa
War could drive people to do things they normally would not. People rushed into marriage thinking they could die at any given day, threw people together or drove them apart, say things they probably would have kept to themselves. Driven by circumstances, war brought out the best or the worst in some.
The war filled his hollow self with a purpose, made him very protective of Katniss and Peeta, and especially her. It made him need her by his side to keep safe.
The war left her a shell of her former self, made her dependent and afraid. It made her need him to survive.
“I’m not leaving you behind,” he said with a note of finality, rubbing his thumb over her scarred knuckles.
“You’re going home to Twelve,” she sighed.
Effie has been sighing much more frequently lately. It bothered him.
“That I am,” Haymitch nodded. “How about District Twelve, sweetheart? You’ve got nothing here.”
“Am I allowed to?”
“I’ve already checked with Plutarch. You’re cleared, free to go anywhere you like.”
There was a pregnant pause. She took a very long time to give him an answer and he afforded her that space, not pressing her for one. He did not want her to feel pressurize into agreeing.
“Anywhere where you’ll be,” she said finally. “I don’t want to be alone. I can’t.”
His lips twitched into a smile.
The hovercraft took off from the Capitol the next day and as she sat next to him with her head resting on his shoulder, watching Katniss stare sullenly out of the window, Effie whispered so softly and so quietly that Haymitch almost missed it.
“I love you.”
His chest tightened. He tensed and sat very still. Slowly, as he began to relax, Haymitch squeezed her hand in reply but said little else.
“And not just because you’re taking me home,” Effie added. “I love you.”
XxX
Years ago, before the time of the star crossed lovers and the Rebellion and way before Effie came along and became a distraction, when it was only just him and a string of dead tributes, Haymitch used to read the books Beetee brought with him from District Three to the Capitol. It was a good way to pass the time when his tributes were already dead and he no longer needed to mentor.
In one of the books, the nineteen year old Haymitch had read a scientific theory of the large scale movement of the earth. It had fascinated him, naturally, even if he thought the theory had no direct effect on his life. According to what he read, the earth was one and whole, a million years ago but the earth was constantly moving, slowly, subtly and unnoticed - he had thought to himself then about how odd it was to know that the very ground he was standing on was actually moving without anyone detecting it – and then, before anyone realized, the world had broken apart into continents. What an odd concept, he mused.
As he sat in the kitchen watching Effie at the other end of the table eating her breakfast quietly, his thoughts drifted back to the book he had read years ago. It left him feeling hollow as he tried to apply that theory into his life, into their life. In that eight years they spent together had he not realized that they were drifting? Had he let Effie moved away from him instead of them moving together towards the same direction?
Haymitch frowned, deep in thought.
“Pass the salt,” he muttered distractedly.
Wordlessly, Effie handed it to him, eyes fixed on her breakfast.
“We should go away,” he suggested out of the blue, pushing his chair back to leave his plate on the sink. Haymitch leaned against the counter just behind Effie’s chair.
“Away?” she asked.
“Yeah, see places. You know, Panem’s different now. We should take a look, just the two of us,” he stood behind her and kissed the top of her head. Haymitch kneaded her shoulders knowing that it always put her at ease when he does that. “What do you say?”
Effie twisted around in her seat to look at him briefly. The look on her face said it all. She thought he had lost his mind.
Haymitch clenched his jaw but tried again. He had to. He thought of how the earth broke apart. Perhaps that was how Panem came to be on its own and looked how destructive that turned out to be. He could not let that happen to them.
“Is there any where you’d like to go? Someplace you’d like to see?”
“Some of us have responsibilities,” she griped. “I can’t just leave my job to go gallivanting across the country. I’m sorry, Haymitch, that wasn’t a very good idea.”
“Take some time off,” he suppressed a growl. “We haven’t… Listen, sweetheart, we should get out of here. We need to get out of here for a bit. Come on – “
“No, Haymitch. I can’t. It’s always busy this time of the year at the factory.”
“Come on,” he stooped down and kissed the juncture of her neck.
“No,” she squirmed and wriggled out of the chair. Haymitch threw his hand up in frustration.
“For a week,” he tried to negotiate a suitable term, “won’t take longer than that. Let’s just – “
“I already said no. Why won’t you ever listen to me?”
“Damn it, Effie,” he slammed his hand on the table. Effie jumped in surprise. “Fuck you,” he spat. “I’m trying – What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?”
Effie took a deep breath to calm the erratic beating of her heart. “I think you need to calm down,” she told him. Effie grabbed her purse on her way out. “I’m going to work.”
When she walked past him, Effie hesitated. She leaned forward to kiss him but he turned his face away. Effie sighed.
“I’ll see you later,” she told him.
Just as the door closed, Haymitch threw the empty plate behind her. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey and settled down into the sofa.
XxX
If there was one thing Haymitch enjoyed doing was watching Effie work. He slouched by the armchair, a bottle dangling in his hand while Effie sat cross-legged on the floor. Papers were strewn all over the coffee table. She bit the end of her pen, a habit of hers.
“Don’t you ever stop to think that maybe you work too hard?” he asked lazily as he twisted her blonde curl around his finger.
“I like working, you know that,” she answered.
His hand moved to the back of her beck and Haymitch rubbed it gently. Effie sighed in contentment. After a while, she placed her pen on the table and turned to look at him. “What about you? Don’t you think you could have done more?”
“Yeah? Like what, sweetheart? Being part of the Rebellion wasn’t enough?”
There was a brief pause, a moment of hesitation before Effie spoke. “I mean, that’s it exactly. You’ve done great things. You’ve done a lot for Panem, won a war for this country but… what are you doing now, Haymitch? You’re not doing anything. You could be mayor of District Twelve or … you could sit at the Council like Plutarch does. I don’t know. You could do something – a wood carver, perhaps. You’re good at that! You’re wasting your life.”
A muscle in his jaw ticked. His pride was wounded. Effie always needed to have some goals in life, which was fine with him even if he did not quite understand why she needed it like some safety blanket, but couldn’t she leave him out of her ambition?
“I’m wasting my life? I’m wasting my – “ he snorted. “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart, to be such a disappointment but, tell me, don’t you think working at that factory every day is a waste of your life? You’re working all the fucking time. Why don’t you try to live?”
He realized it too late that that would hurt her. Effie had been trying to live since she survived imprisonment. She just never told him that working kept her mind off it.
“Don’t make this about me,” she frowned.
“Why not? Because I think the only time you even look me in the eye lately is when you pick apart my flaws.”
“That’s not true!”
“You know what, sweetheart? Has it ever crossed your mind that I like how things are or that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life? I’ve given enough. I don’t owe anyone anything. Maybe I like to spend my days with a drink in hand, waking up to you making breakfast and knowing that every month, the government will still give me my monthly stipend for all the shit I’ve done for this country, because you’re right, sweetheart, I did help them win the war, ain’t that enough?” he sneered.
“Your utter lack of motivation is truly inspiring,” she said. Effie gathered her papers and walked out of the room.
“Walk away, sweetheart. That’s all you’ve ever done nowadays, anyway.”
XxX
How much time does he have? How fast were they currently moving before they were completely apart? How many more years do they have together?
Haymitch swirled the drink in his hand, staring moodily out of the window. Outside, an owl hooted. The stars littered the sky that night, bright and twinkling. He remembered a night like this many years ago, two weeks after Effie returned to Twelve with him.
“You’ll stay?”
“I’ll stay,” he promised, kissing her temple. “What was the nightmare about this time?”
“I couldn’t escape. You were waiting at the other side but I couldn’t escape from prison. They said if I don’t get out in five seconds they will shoot you. And they did. They did,” she whispered. “They kill you because I failed.”
“It’s just a dream. It’s not real.”
“Who knows, really,” she curled and buried her face on his chest. “Maybe this is a dream.”
Haymitch chuckled. He pushed her back slightly and placed his palm flat against her chest. He felt the beating of her heart, irregular but strong.
“Calm down. This is real,” he pressed his palm, indenting her skin with his fingers. “You’re alive and you’re safe.”
“As long as you stay with me,” she whispered, drifting off back to sleep.
XxX
Haymitch heard the front door creaked open and knew that Effie had just returned home. There was a time when she would come looking for him the moment she return home and smile that sweet smile of hers when she saw him. But that was no longer the case. Nowadays, she would occupy herself doing her own things. She would clean the house; work on some urgent documents for the factory; entertain Aria.
“I can’t find her in the house.”
“Who?”
Haymitch rattled the geese’s pen to test its sturdiness. The geese started honking at the noise and the racket, naturally, annoyed Effie.
“Aria.”
“Oh, shit,” Haymitch swore. “What time is it?”
“Haymitch,” she shrieked when she realized that their daughter was not at home. “Her school ended an hour ago!”
“I lost track of time, alright,” he scowled, pulling the work gloves off his hands.
“You’re so hopeless!” she screamed. “You can’t even –“
“Daddy!”
At once, they both turned towards the voice. Aria was running towards them and when she was close enough, she jumped into his arms. Peeta rounded the corner into view a few seconds later.
“I was walking home from the bakery and passed by the school when I saw her,” he shrugged, handing Aria’s school bag over to Effie. “Guess one of you was late, so I took her along.”
“We’re so sorry to trouble you, Peeta! Haymitch was supposed to – “
“It’s no problem. It was on the way, anyway,” the boy smiled. “Besides, I can’t complain, not really. Not when I get to spend time with my favourite girl. Isn’t that right, Aria?”
Aria giggled. She wound her arms around Haymitch’s neck but turned to address her mother. “Uncle Peeta bought me peppermint chocolates, mummy.”
Peeta smiled indulgently at her and patted her hair. He waved goodbye and headed home but not before making a promise to take Aria to the bakery that weekend.
“Come on, Aria,” Effie held out her hands, taking the girl away from her father. “Let’s get you changed and ready for dinner, and don’t try to eat those chocolates until after dinner.”
“Are you going to share those with me, ladybug?”
Haymitch walked behind them so he could talk to his daughter.
“No, because you were late today,” Aria shook her head, propping her chin on her mother’s shoulder. “And, I’m not a lady bug, daddy!”
“You sure are,” he teased, nodding his head seriously. “Remember that lady bug you caught and insisted on keeping?”
Aria laughed at that and as cliché as it was, her laughed was a sound that had become Haymitch’s favourite thing in the world.
“She’s my best friend in the whole world!”
“Really?” Haymitch frowned. “I thought I was your best friend, ladybug.”
“No, daddy, you forgot about me today.”
“Won’t happen again, I swear.”
Aria bit her bottom lip, something her mother would do when she was deep in thought. Aria was absent-mindedly twisting and curling her mother’s hair.
“This three times, daddy,” she held three fingers up. “I count. I learnt how.”
“This is the third time,” Effie corrected.
It was then that Effie gave him a pointed look as if to reiterate what she said earlier about him being hopeless.
“I’ll pick you up from school next time,” Effie said. “I’m sorry, darling, I had some work to do today. Next time, I won’t leave it to your father, alright? I promise.”
Aria nodded. She beamed happily at her mother and kissed Effie’s cheek.
That night, when Aria had gone to bed, Haymitch rounded on Effie.
“What the fuck was that?”
“What was what?” she asked innocently.
“What you did with Aria just now,” he snapped. “You’re turning her against me.”
Effie stared at him. “That’s the most absurd thing I’ve heard coming from you. But if we’re on that topic, if you’ve been a better father than perhaps –“
“I forgot, sweetheart. It doesn’t happen often,” he hissed.
“Only three times now, as your daughter so rightly informed you. Or did you forget about that too?”
“I’ve fucking had it with you, Effie,” he said, replacing his usual ‘sweetheart’ with her name and Effie knew then that he was in a bad mood.
“That makes the two of us,” she muttered under her breath.
“What?”
“I said – “
“I heard what you said. What do you mean by that?”
Effie spun on her heels to face him. “It means that I am done with you, Haymitch,” she shouted. Her eyes widened and she stared at him, not quite believing that she had just told him that to his face.
“I can’t – I can’t do this any longer. Look at you,” she gestured. “You’re …. You’re lost, that’s what’s going on with you. But you don’t want to admit it. You don’t want to accept the truth that perhaps, you don’t know what do with yourself so you do what you do best - you drink and nothing else.”
Haymitch glared at her, hands on his hip. Was that what she thought of him? A failure?
You’re hopeless.
“Are you fucking someone else?” he threw the question at her, a huge mistake on his part.
“What?”
“Answer the question.”
“No!” Effie denied vehemently, looking extremely insulted by it. “You - you think this,” she gestured at the space between them, “is because I was being unfaithful to you? That there’s someone else?”
“What else could it be?” he hissed. “You’ve been cold and indifferent, did you even realize that? Do I even exist anymore?”
Effie laughed derisively. “Has it ever occurred to you that we’re like this because of you?”
“How is this even my fault?”
She threw her hands up in annoyance. Effie shook her head at him. “I’m done, Haymitch. I can’t do this anymore.”
“We’re not done.”
“I am done. I don’t have anything for you. I don’t. I’ve stopped… I can’t love you anymore. I can’t. I tried so hard but you make it so difficult. I can’t feel anything, Haymitch. Not for you.”
“Don’t say something you might regret, Effie,” he growled a warning.
“No, no I won’t regret,” Effie laughed. She looked very much like a manic, half crazed woman. Effie ran her hand down her face tiredly. “I need to say it, Haymitch. Don’t you understand? I’ve been keeping this inside for so long. I – “
“Stop,” he held out his hand. “Take that back, Effie.”
“ - feel lighter now.”
For a long while, they could only stare at each other. He could hear his own heart beating, his breath sounded loud in his ears. Haymitch leaned back heavily against the wall. It was happening. He had been standing on the ground, never realizing that his world was moving until it was too late. They are breaking at the seams.
“I’m taking her with me.”
“You’re staying right where you are, you hear,” he spat.
“I’m pulling all the weight in this family,” she cried. “You can’t look after her. You can’t raise her. I don’t want her to be like you, Haymitch. I want so much more for her and she won’t get it here, not with you.”
“Now, sweetheart, don’t be hasty,” his voice took on a placating tone. Haymitch reached out for her. “Think about this for a minute, okay. We had a disagreement. That’s all. That’s all, Effie. We fight all the time, sweetheart. It’s – It’s what we do, right? Right?”
Effie didn’t swat his hand away so he pulled her towards him and hugged her close. She sagged against him, clutching on to his shirt. And then, she was weeping.
“That’s all we ever do,” she cried, pressing her face on his chest. “Aria can’t live like this, Haymitch. I’m sorry. I just – I loved you so much, Haymitch. I did.”
“Don’t, Effie,” he croaked. “Don’t.”
“If you could fall in love with someone, could you fall out of love with them?”
“No,” Haymitch shook his head. “No, sweetheart, you can’t. When you fall in love with someone, you’re supposed to love them no matter what. You don’t just… stop.”
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed harder. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. I loved you. At one point, I swear, that I - ”
“Stay with me,” he breathed into her hair, a reminder of a conversation a long time ago. “That’s what we promised.”
“That’s what you promised,” she whispered and that was when Haymitch knew that it was a lost cause. He loosened his hold on her. “You stayed by my side, Haymitch, and I’m so, so grateful for that. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry but I can’t stay by yours. I never made such promise.”
Haymitch dropped his arms and took two steps back. He felt like he had been scorched. Her words burnt him inside out.
“That’s low,” he told her flatly, “even for you.”
He let out a breath. His blood pounded in his veins and there was dull, pulsating ache behind his ribs. It felt like something was missing and it took him a while to realize that he had not felt this way for eight years. He had not felt this hollow since the war. Haymitch looked around him, taking in the sight of Aria’s toys at random places in the house. He could see Effie’s touch everywhere. It was on the curtains that she chose; the rug that she spread on the floor. It was on the mahogany table she had bought and the bunch of wildflowers by the window sill.
“I’m gonna go see Aria and then I’ll go over to the kids’ next door,” he spoke calmly, betraying the hurricane of emotions inside. “Take her away when I’m out. That’ll be easier for … her. She’ll scream and cry for me if she knows you’re taking her away.”
Effie nodded quietly.
XxX
Haymitch climbed up the stairs to his daughter’s room. The dread spread inside him. Every step that he took was heavy with dismay.
He sat on her bed, holding on tightly to her. Haymitch kissed her. He told her that she was his ladybug and that he loves her.
“Never forget that, alright?”
“Why are you sad, daddy?”
“I’m not sad,” he smiled thinly and nuzzled her neck. Aria, like Effie, was very ticklish. She squirmed in his lap, giggling happily.
“Are you lying? Daddy, you can’t lie!”
“I’m not lying.”
“But you look sad,” she pouted. “You look like mummy does sometimes when she’s alone.”
“Your mum’s sad?”
“All the time,” Aria nodded.
“I’m sorry, ladybug. I love you, you know that, right?”
“I know, daddy, I love you like crazy.”
Haymitch laughed. It sounded empty in his ears. It sounded bitter
“Like crazy?” he teased.
Aria had heard Peeta teasingly said the same to Katniss one day and when she returned home that afternoon, she had repeated what she heard to Effie and Haymitch.
XxX
While he was reading Beetee’s book, he had come across the vast ocean called The Panthalassa. Before the world broke apart, Panthalassa was the only ocean. He thought of Effie as the Panthalassa; the story of what wasand no longer is.
At one point the Panthalassa was a vast ocean. The same way Effie was his. Then the world shifted and that big, vast ocean no longer mattered. He wondered if Effie would be the same; that one day, she would no longer matter to him just as he no longer mattered to her.
I think many of you would be angry with Effie. But I was thinking that if you grow dependent on someone because say, you were tortured and didn't know how to go on but you're two completely different people, wouldn't you always rub the wrong way and wouldn't it one day, emotionally exhaust you? At least that's how i try to work their relationship in this one shot. Anyway, it's just my thought.
And i feel like i just betrayed my otp by saying that. I'm sorry. I take it back.
