Surrender
Things will only have its true value when you fight for it -Havilah Cunnington
Reality check: as I am typing this piece I am also finishing my dinner which is fried rice with paksiw (Filipino dish consists of fish cooked in vinegar and other spices). Yum! bruh! Mom cooks best everrrr!
WARNING: Christian life story time (This is not an enjoyable read for any skeptic and unbelievers out there so please do not read through.)
It was September 5, 2016, 8 days ago. It is not special in eyes but much personal in heart. Few days before, I came across with the instagram profile and post of a Filipina student in UP-Los Baños, Laguna and a representative in Harvard. (Man, I dunno but since I do not have work yet I am filled with random unproductiveness.) Anyway, she is smart. It is technically given because Harvard, hello. LOL. But really, what caught me was one of the captions in her post wherein it says *non-verbatim* “ how questions lead to answers, how questions remain as questions but the only answer is He is enough and I don't need to logic all the time to satisfy me. #God #worldchanger”. I am glad when I read this because I thought I was the only one who can relate in my own battle within.
The following was written in my devotional journal...genuine “me” ahead.
September 5, 2016 (A regular church Sunday, preaching and altar call, thought so)
Dear Lord, YAASSS HAHA! I have now a glimpse of how I would want to live my life ehem my entire life though HAHA. I am just glad. Anyways yun nga perfect so This is Amazing Grace by Taya Smith singing in the earphones of my sistah HAHA. Anyways, lol di ko talaga kayang hindi mag-direct to the point lol. Ito na kasi talaga HAHA kulit eh TAMA NUH.
I would never imagine I will surrender in the kind of way kanina. It’s very vulnerable. Naiyak ako naalala ko na naman. It is so personal. I did not become this personal with anyone whoever existed not even my parents but YEAH. I am literally crying. I felt the comfort again. I prayed because I felt the whole preaching was for me as well as other Christians felt, relate lalo na yung depression. I have been in a very personal numbing pain and just remembering the times I want to end my life and cannot understand myself, it hurts. When you have depression, suddenly you just felt tired, extreme tiredness in the brain. You can’t even control what you think. It is painful and it is hard. Sometimes I will just cry when I feel happiness or comfort especially in our(my bestfriend and I) devotion because I almost forgot to feel peace and comfort that comes from the soul. You can’t explain it you just feel it. I am a kind of person who don’t want to see sad, tired or unhappy people. I want them to laugh and smile. I like the sounds of people’s laugh. So yeah, back to my life-surrender-moment a while ago, I said “Lord, if you’ll gonna use my brains, use it. if you’ll use what I know, use it. If you’ll use my personality, use it.” Nagdadalawang isip pa ako sa heart eh, but then yeah I said “Lord, pagnakita mo yung puso ko baka nga wala ka don eh baka madisappoint ka lang kasi hindi ikaw nag-rurun nun pero sige I’ll give it to You na rin, use it kahit hindi maayos. I’m ready Lord, I don’t want to go back and have depression again. I know it’s not easy. I will not be a “Christian” right after in this altar call. It is a process but if ever this will cause me a numbing pain, okay lang basta I don’t want to go back. Please. I don’t want.” Thank You Jesus, I had a fun and productive day. :)
“HOPE I’LL BE IN THIS HYPE FOREVER” love, your weird daughter “smae” who hates the sound of her first name. Now, I believe things are meant-to-be -SMD