Self-Discovery
My take on the prompts for Otayuri week!
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Chapter 1: August 2017 (Confessions)
[AO3]
Saturday Morning
From: Beka [5.45 am]
Good morning, Yura.
To: Beka [5.46 am]
hi
how was ur run
From: Beka [5.46 am]
It was nice. It’s not too hot in the morning.
To: Beka [5.48 am]
tru
ill text u when im done runnin
From: Beka [5.50 am]
Davai!
yuri-plisetsky posted an image
Ready for my morning run! #nocoffeeyet #ihatewakingupthisearly #NOTamorningperson
From: Beka [6.00 am]
Your hair looks really nice today.
He felt himself blushing as he saw his best friend’s message. Yuri had not really done anything special with his hair. If he was honest, he only fell asleep with it still in the braid from the day before. He left it as it was for his morning run, as his hair was bound to get messed up anyways and it was way too early to care.
There went no effort into his hair. But his friend still seemed to like it
Willing his heartbeat, that surely was only still going so fast because of his run, to slow down, he quickly made himself a cup of coffee before pulling out a yoga mat to start his morning stretches, while slowly drinking he coffee.
He had just gone through a height spurt, gaining several inches in the duration of a month, so stretching was important to regain his flexibility as his body grew. He struggled with positions that seemed easy before.
But in the end he was still more flexible than his best friend, which he never failed to mention.
Just like this morning. He placed the coffee cup next to his foot to stretch towards it, a position that made Otabek cringe just seeing it. He took a photo of his foot and the cup and the hand stretching towards it.
To: Beka [7.45 am]
You Sent an Image
all the motivation i need
Yuri continued his morning stretches while browsing through instragram and drinking his coffee. He commented the new photos Phichit, Viktor and Mila had uploaded and forwarded cute cat videos and pictures to his best friend.
There was one picture especially that made him grin with mischief.
It was a little black cat that looked everything but happy. Chuckling to himself, he sent it to Otabek.
To: Beka [8.22 am]
This cat looks like u
guess whos got a new contact pic
lmao
With that he finished his stretches and got his stuff together for today’s morning practice. On his way to Lilia’s car he grabbed an apple and a piece of bread for breakfast. He knew this was not the best, but he just could not get down more food at this time of the day.
After finishing the meagre breakfast, he finally loosened the braid and combed through it with a brush Lilia always had in her car for him. He did not really feel like doing anything fancy with it, but even if he loved the feeling of his long hair flowing behind him, it would only get in the way of his training.
His heart did a weird flutter when he remembered Otabek’s compliment from this morning. His usual reaction to such a comment from anyone else would be to scoff and do the opposite out of spite.
But the thought of Otabek liking something about him and compliment him again excited Yuri for some reason and created an oddly warm feeling in his stomach.
He scoffed at himself but braided his hair halfway back pulling the rest up in a ponytail, similarly to the way it looked at his Free Skate at the last GFP.
Just as they were pulling onto the parking lot, he took a selfie of himself and uploaded it.
yuri-plisetsky uploaded a photo
omw to morning practice! #hairgoals #mybraidisbetterthanyours #icetigerofrussia
To: Beka [8.57 am]
hope u have a nice practice
so we can kick ass together this year
esp jjs
and viktors
anyway g2g ttyl
He finished his morning texts to his best friend with these kind of abbreviations because he knew, Otabek would frown at his screen, needing a moment to understand what the letters stood for.
Yuri let his phone slip into his bag before he tied his skates and got onto the ice, only to be yelled at by Yakov for his tardiness, which was ridiculous, Yuri was only a minute late.
When Yakov had told him that he was getting old and that he would only continue coaching him for another one, maybe two seasons, Yuri had though the old man would cut him some slack. Especially since Lilia told him she would only continue to teach him for as long Yakov was coaching him.
But if anything, they trained him even harder.
On the other hand, they gave him more freedom with his choreographies. Well, if freedom meant he could choose his own themes for this year. They were still in control over the music of his programmes, as well as the choreographies themselves. But when Yuri came to them and told them he would like for his theme to be ‘self-discovery’ this season, they sat down with him and worked through what this would entail.
Yuri told them he wanted to play with his image and work with how his image reflected his growth as a person, as well as a skater. He wanted to show both the brash, impatient side of the Ice Tiger of Russia, as well as the soft, beautiful Fairy. He wanted to show that he was growing into a man’s body while on the other side embracing the fluidity of gender.
Yakov and Lilia had been overjoyed that he had put so much thought into his next season. Or as overjoyed as the two could get.
Yuri told them he needed to change how he worked to maintain his position on the GPF podium. He would never tell them that working with Viktor on Agape helped him realise that. He did not want to remain as the skater who only did what his coaches told him to win. He wanted to skate his own ideas and his own stories.
Yakov had choreographed the Free Programme. He had chosen Prokofiev’s ‘Dance of the Knights’ from Romeo & Juliet. The first time listening, Yuri had only listened to the song he could not say he could see himself skating to it.
Back then he only had listened to the beginning with its heavy accompaniment and the thick high strings with their rhythms. But when he listened to the whole piece at home he discovered the soft almost playful middle of the song.
He had decided he would skate to it without complaints when he realised the song reminded him of Otabek. Not only was a hero often a knight, but the Hero of Kazakhstan was like the song itself. Leaving aside that the song sounded like something Otabek would skate to, the song started out as heavy, dark and brooding only becoming softer in the middle. The Kazakh himself could come off as brooding and unfriendly, but Yuri grew to know him better with soft sides and playfulness.
But Yakov did not have to know about that.
He would only work Yuri harder if he knew his reasons. Yuri was not sure how that would be possible, but he remembered how the coach had worked Viktor and if that was his maximum, he was going to be there soon. Yakov had included a quad flip into the choreography, that was to be kept a secret from everyone. To practice it Yuri had to stay behind when all the other skater had gone home after afternoon practice. In morning practice, he was to only jump it as a triple.
The Short Programme had been choreographed by Lilia this time. When the ballerina told him he would skate to Tschaikowsky’s ‘Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy’ she thought she was kidding. Everyone and their grandmother skated to that song. Lilia only smiled her thin lipped smile and told him he would have to skate well enough that the audience and the judges forgot about it.
Yuri was sold on doing the song when he lay down in bed after learning the choreography earlier in the year and could see himself skating it at the next GPF. Not only could he see himself skating it, but he could see himself skating it in a costume under Otabek’s heavy gaze. He would have to grow his hair even longer and braid it.
Yuri was pulled from his thoughts by Yakov shouting at Viktor to get himself together. The other skater was apparently not only distracting his fiancée but all other skaters as well. Not that Yuri would tell his coach he had not been distracted by Viktor.
Which brought him back to his original musings. Why was Otabek such a huge factor on choosing his skates this year. He was his friend, yes. The best friend Yuri ever had, but was that really the reason? There was something else, but he did not know what.
“Yuri! Get your head out of the clouds! Go practice your Short Skate!”, Yakov yelled at him and Yuri yelled back him before getting ready to start the programme without music. He pulled back the internal image of himself in a woody green with long braided hair back into his mind, even going so far as to imagining Otabek’s eyes on him. The dark eyes of his friend were on him, unable to look away. He pushed himself farther, skating as elegantly as he could.
He tried to move more fluent, nimbler. More like a fairy would.
He stopped with his arms opened wide into Otabek’s direction. He only noticed he had changed the ending, when he opened his eyes and he was back in his home rink in St. Petersburg looking at Yuuri instead of his best friend.
“That was beautiful, Yuri. But please remember the correct ending next time.”, Lilia praised.
Yuri shrugged, skating to the side of the rink and accepting the bottle of water Mila held out to him.
“I like this one better.”
“Well, it’s not part of the choreography.”
“I don’t care. I’m keeping it. I’ll go work on the step sequences now.”, Yuri decided to stop the argument he felt coming up between him and the former prima ballerina.
He had no idea why, but during the rest of the practice his mind kept wandering to his best friend He was distracted, he decided.
Distracted by his best friend. But why?
Yes, it was easy to be Otabek’s friend. Yuri just got along with him exceptionally well.
But why was he feeling warm all over at the thought of Otabek standing on the podium with him, giving him one of his more special smiles, that Yuri knew were rare. He almost did not care if Otabek got the gold or him.
Almost.
Yakov ended practice and it was time for lunch. After stepping out of his skates, Yuri took his phone out too what his friend had answered him. His eyes were glued to the screen, but there was no need to look up to know his way to the cafeteria.
From: Beka [ 9.31 am]
Thank you.
Morning practice went well. I hope yours went well, too?
I hope my programmes will get me far this year.
I’m sure we will both be able to do well and, as you put it, kickass together.
Yuri could not help but stare at the word ‘together’. It felt as if his heart did the quadruple flip and he felt warmth spread all the way from his stomach to the tips of his fingers and toes. But that was the heat in the glass cafeteria, surely.
From: Beka [9.36 am]
I really liked the cat pictures you sent me.
But please do not put the grumpy cat as my contact photo.
I do feel honoured that the car reminded you of me.
But I would rather you have a nice photo of me.
I will send you one. My sister took it. You will like it.
There’s a cat in this one, too
Beka Sent You a Photo
Yuri dropped his fork, which landed on the table in front of him with a loud clank. To some extent he was aware of the looks the others threw him, but it was not like he cared. All he knew was that his eyes were glued to the screen in his hand.
The picture of Otabek showed him illuminated by the warm afternoon sun shining through the window next to him. He was holding a very small kitten. Yuri only noticed then how big his friend’s hands were. And how that made him feel warm all over.
But the best, or for Yuri’s sanity worst, was the way Otabek smiled at the camera.
Yuri knew that Otabek’s big smiles were rare, only saved for special occasions. Nevertheless, Yuri had been the recipient of Otabek’s smiles. But even he had not been graced by this particular smile.
Otabek, who’s smiles usually consisted of a twinkle in his eye or one corner of his mouth, rarely both, lifted slightly, was smiling so warmly, his eyes full of adoration, dimples showing on his chin.
“Yurio, is everything alright?”, Yuuri asked him Yuri took a deep shuddering breath, only realising then that he had forgotten to breath.
“Yeah. Just peachy.”, he only realised then how broken his voice sounded, almost an octave higher than normal. If his voice had not stopped changing almost one and half years prior, he would think he was right back at the change that was so typical for puberty.
Then again, it may also have been a whine.
If he was not aware of everyone’s eyes on him before, he was now sure he got everyone’s attention. His heart was back to beating as if he was running a marathon.
Yuri was young. Not stupid.
He was aware that his best friend was incredibly attractive, but that picture just took the cake.
He only noticed that Viktor was looking over his shoulder when the older man whistled.
He whirled around, trying to hide his phone.
But it was too late.
If the others had not been interested into Yuri’s phone, now they definitely were. Yuri tried to hide his phone away from sight, but Mila was quick enough to snatch it out of his hands.
“Oh, wow.”, she marvelled, her eyes stuck to the screen of Yuri’s phone. With a sound, he had prior no idea he could produce, Yuri leapt across the table to snatch his phone out of Mila’s hand.
“Don’t ever touch my phone again.”, he almost growled and stood, taking his food with him.
“Woah calm down, Yurio, we meant no harm.”, Viktor tried to appease him, but Yuri was almost out of the room. The only thing he yelled as he out was
“Don’t fucking call me that!”
Yuri had no idea how he reached the stair case. He only knew that his pulse was incredibly high and a sense of impending doom crept up his spine. Otabek had sent the photo in their private chat. It was a picture his sister had taken. Yuri knew what a private person Otabek was and there he went sharing that private picture with everyone.
Otabek was bound to hate him.
At the thought tears shot in his eyes.
He had to apologise.
He scrolled past the text messages that followed the picture to type an answer.
To: Beka [12.55 pm]
Beka! I’m so sorry.
Viktor and Mila saw the photo. It was an accident. I know that you didn’t want me to share it with the world.
Please don’t hate me.
You’re really important to me, I know this wasn’t supposed to happen.
But I don’t want to lose you.
With a heavy heart, Yuri scrolled back up to continue reading his friend’s remaining messages. He tried to get down the chicken salad, just because he knew he needed something in his stomach to get through the rest of the day.
From: Beka [9.39 am]
My sister says she wants to meet you someday.
Seems like your stretches are getting better again.
You mentioned problems after your latest growth spurt.
But seems like you’re still way more flexible than I could ever hope be.
Again, your hair looks really nice like that.
Well I’ve got to go again, I will talk to you later.
He smiled at the messages, his heart skipping a beat at the compliment. If his heart kept this up, Yuri had no idea how to get through it.
Not that this would ever happen again, his brain provided, after all e probably threw their friendship into the wind.
He brought back his tray to the cafeteria, but did not react to any of the others trying to talk to them.
Yuri knew he would be early, but he started making his way over to the ballet studio. Lilia was not there yet, but the ballet teacher in charge of the advanced group that was in the studio at this time knew him and had no problems with him joining her group for the last half hour.
Lila got in a little early, while the class was still doing their stretches, but Yuri only knew because he heard the door open and close and the tell-tale sound her heels on the dancefloor. He did not look up from where his head lay on his right leg up on the barré.
Even though he knew Otabek would not have the time to take a look at the messages he had written, because he was the middle of afternoon practice, he could not help checking his phone.
From: Old Man [12.59 pm]
Sorry about what happened at lunch.
He left Viktor’s message unanswered and let his phone fall back into his bag. He took a couple of sips from his water bottle and noticed Lilia was ready for their lesson.
He tried his best to concentrate on the lesson, on the off-ice versions of his choreographies, but he could not help but think of Otabek. About his stupid smile and his stupid dimples and the stupid feelings he made him feel.
Lilia must have noticed mind was elsewhere because Yuri had not been yelled this much since he first started working with her.
When she was done with him, she sent him off to Yakov, who only screamed at him even more. The hag must have told him over the phone that Yuri was not concentrated.
Yuri thought this was not fair. All the others had their heads in the clouds all the time. Georgi was a mess when his ex broke up with him, Mila was always dreaming about far off places and men that fell to their knees for her, and he had not even started with Viktor and the Katsudon.
He was about to just leave in the middle of practice, but then he would have to survive Yakov and Lilia’s reprimand at home. They would probably take his laptop away. Or his phone. Or both. The thought did not help his current state mind any better.
And everything had gone so well in the morning. He just wanted to go to bed, pull his blanket over his head and skype with Otabek.
His stomach churned again. Otabek probably never wanted to talk to him again.
He had no idea how, but he somehow got though practice without any further incidents. He had about 15 minutes left with the others and then 30 minutes alone.
Yakov was yelling at Viktor and Mila used the diversion to skate up to Yuri.
“Hey, what was going on with you at lunch?”, she asked, concerned.
“Nothing. Some days are just shitty.”, Yuri answered, shrugging.
“Yeah, I guess… Hey Yuri?”, she asked, her voice suddenly quiet. This was a tone he was not used to hearing from Mila.
“What’s up?”
“Would you be cool with me texting Otabek?”
Yuri stopped himself from stopping abruptly on the ice.
No, he was not cool with that. Otabek was his friend.
“Why should I have a problem with that?”, he asked and hoped Mila did not notice his voice going up several notes.
“I don’t know… I thought maybe… after what happened at lunch…”, she drifted off.
“What about it? Beka and I are friends. Best friends”, he answered.
“So you’re not… you know…”
“No, I don’t know. Spit it out.”
“I just wanted to ask if it’s okay with you if I texted Otabek. To, you know, ask him out. It’s been some time since Alexei and I broke up and I saw this gorgeous picture in your phone and I just thought it was worth a try. So I guess I just wanted to know if you two were… a thing.”, she looked at Yuri, but he was not looking at her.
His gaze was locked on the ice in front of him.
He tried to will away the thoughts of Otabek and Mila in a small little café, talking, laughing, holding hands, kissing.
He felt as though he could not breathe, the feeling of impending doom that had been crawling up and down his spine settled n his throat.
“You’re old enough to make your own decisions. You do what you want anyhow.”, he croaked and skated away from her, launching himself into the air for a triple Lutz, in hope the feeling of flying got rid of the anxiety.
He jumped again and again, ignoring the others as they bid their goodbyes for the night.
He worked through his step sequences.
He was alone.
Yakov and Lilia had stepped outside, to talk about him, he was sure.
He skated through his Free Programme, his mind back to Otabek. He did not really think about the choreography, not that he needed to. He had it ingrained into his limbs since March.
He jumped ad spun and stepped through it until he reached the last jump. In front of his internal eye, he saw Otabek, smiling at him in Barcelona, through the screen of his laptop, on the photo.
He only noticed he had landed the quad flip when he stopped in his final position, his hands in front of his eyes, open.
Yakov screamed at him in a mixture of praise and criticism.
“I’m changing the ending.”, Yuri interrupted him and without waiting for Yakov’s answer, started playing his song on the phone, which was connected with the rink’s stereo system.
He vowed to himself to keep his mind on skating this time around, which worked well until the last couple of seconds.
He spun backwards, his left had stretched in front of him before he stretched both hands into the air above him.
The steps were the same as Otabek’s last steps at the GPF last year.
“You’re done for the day.”, Yakov proclaimed and Yuri, who suddenly felt exhaustion crawl through his limbs. He just wanted to go home and sleep.
He skated over to where his phone lay on a table by the side and picked it up. He saw several messages and even a missed call from Otabek.
Otabek surely wanted to yell at him, too.
He changed into his trainers on a bench and slipped his phone into his team jacket’s pocket.
He put off checking the messages until he was at home in a hot, soothing bath. He decided he deserved that.
The traffic was lighter in the evening, but they still had to go through thick traffic to reach home. Yuri had dozed off and only noticed they had arrived home, when Lilia opened the door he was leaning against.
For once, he was happy about her demanding him to wear his seatbelt in her car.
Yuri told his coaches not to wait for him for dinner, because he planned to take a bath. He would heat up whatever they left over for him later, after he got out of the tub.
His cat, Mischa, asked for his attention when he entered his room and after he started to let the water into the tub he checked if she had enough food and water. He stroked her fluffy fur for a few minutes until she gave a meow and walked away to sleep on his armchair.
He smiled at the feline and went back into the bathroom to see his bath was ready. After dimming the lights and choosing an instrumental playlist on Spotify, he climbed into the tub, sinking below the water where he stayed for several moments listening to the sound of his heartbeat in his ears.
When he resurfaced he grabbed his phone with shaking hands. He was not able to put into words how nervous he was before contacting his best friend. Before he could make up his mind, he went to the message app and started reading.
Otabek had tried calling first, just when Yuri knew his practice to be finished. Then he must have remembered Yuri’s training times and tried to get through with texts.
From: Beka [3.32 pm]
Yuri, it’s okay. I’m not mad. The picture was supposed to be private, but it’s not like you posted it on Instagram without my approval.
I would be foolish to stop wanting to be your friend over something so small.
I admired you for so long and wanted to be part of your life for so long.
Being your friend is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Don’t worry! You’re important to me, as well. Please call me when you’re done with practice.
Yuri pressed the call button on FaceTime quicker than anything else he had done in the last hour.
It took only one ring for Otabek to pick up.
Seeing his friend’s smiling face erased all tension in Yuri’s body.
“Good evening, Yuri. I take it you read my messages.”, his friend greeted him.
Yuri nodded, unable to speak.
“Like I said there: Don’t worry about what happened. It doesn’t matter. Don’t beat yourself up over that.”
Otabek’s voice was soft and Yuri’s heart fluttered in response.
“You’re really important to me, Yuri. I would never let you go.”
Yuri would forever deny what happened next, but he could not hold it bac. Hot tears started rolling over his cheeks as relief flooded his system.
“Hey, don’t cry, Yura. I’m not leaving.”
“I – I know. I mean – I didn’t – I – I just thought you would h-hate me.”
“Never, Yura. Never”
Otabek waited patiently as Yuri tried to stop crying, speaking to him softly, making sure the younger understood that Otabek would always be his friend.
After Yuri had calmed down, they talked a bit longer until Yuri saw his friend yawn. They bid their good nights and promised to skype the following day. Only when Otabek hung up did Yuri notice how cold his bath water had gotten and with heavy limbs from crying, h slowly climbed out of the tub.
He did not bother putting on a shirt. It was hot and neither Yakov nor Lilia would be around to see him anyways. They were in their rooms doing god knows what. Yuri did not want to know.
Silently, he walked into the kitchen and got himself some dinner. Crying had exhausted him even more, so he did not really know what he was eating. He was sure there was usually more taste in whatever Lilia had cooked but tonight it just tasted like cardboard.
He left the plate on the dinner table and sneaked back into his room, where he let himself fall onto the bed.
He plugged his phone in to charge and shut off the lights, when he saw one final message from Otabek for the night.
He fell asleep with his phone clutched in his hand, the screen of his phone still on.
His heart a ton lighter.
From: Beka [10.30 pm]
♥
Yuri was in Barcelona on the back of Otabek’s bike. He knew the road they were driving down. He knew their destination, but they were in no rush.
Yuri did not know long they were driving, but it did not matter. He was floating, pressed against Otabek’s warmth with his arms around his waist.
When the bike stopped, Otabek slid out of Yuri’s grasp but only to help him down the bike with the warmest smile.
Soon, they were climbing the stairs of Park Guell, Otabek still holding Yuri’s hand in his big, warm one.
Everything was so similar to the day they became friends. The seagulls were crying in the distance, the park itself was silent. The sun was starting to set.
Yet, everything was different.
Otabek cupped Yuri’s cheek, his warm thumb caressing his cheek bone. His warm brown eyes seemed to twinkle with adoration and looked deep into Yuri’s soul.
Otabek opened his mouth, his lips forming three words that Yuri could not hear, but still understand.
Yuri closed his eyes as Otabek came nearer. Their lips were almost touching as the wind echoed Otabek’s confession.
Mere millimetres separated them.
Yuri could feel Otabek’s warm breath on his lips.
Any moment their lips would touch.
Yuri woke with a start. His face felt hot.
His mind was full of soft lips, whispered confessions, sunsets, big, warm hands holding his.
The truth hit Yuri like a truck.
He was in love with Otabek Altin.
This was probably Viktor and Yuuri’s fault. Somehow. They infected him with their gross behaviour.
To stop him from being able to concentrate so that they could win the GPF.
Because he was in love with his best friends, his concentration sucked and his heart was more successful than him with his routines.
This was the reason why the thought of Mila by Otabek’s side had hurt him so deeply.
His dream had been both answer and question to his dilemma.
Without checking the time, without getting up, without pushing his cat off of his stomach, Yuri opened FaceTime and called his best friend.
Otabek picked up immediately and Yuri did not wait for his greetings.
“You can’t go out with Mila!”, he almost yelled into the phone.
He woke Mischa, who looked at him with disdain and hopped off him and the bed to find a place where her human would not disrupt her bauty sleep.
Otabek raised a brow.
“Good morning to you, too, Yuri. What’s going on?”, he asked and Yuri felt his face flushing.
His heart started doing somersaults.
“I don’t know if she already texted you, but please don’t go out with Mila.”, he begged.
“She contacted me, yes. But I told her I was not interested in dating her.”, Otabek smiled at him.
“Good.”, Yuri decided.
He was such an asshole. What if Beka wanted to be with Mila? Who was he to deny his best friend his happiness.
“I mean, if you really liked her, I’d want you two to be happy and all that shit… but you’re not? Interested I mean.”
“No, Yuri. I’m not interested in her. What’s going on?”, his friend was confused.
“I’ve been feeling really weird lately. Really weird about you. Like, I feel stupid things when you give me compliments or when I notice how much you’ve inspired me. I don’t want to share you with anyone and you’re so important to me, I can’t even grasp it. I’m in love with you, Beka.” He was out of breath from his speech and he saw Otabek smile at him fondly, almost like in his dream.
“I figured.”
“You knew?”
“I had a feeling. And Mila mentioned something.”
“So? What do you say?”
“My answer, for the time being, is I can’t accept your feelings. I don’t want to do this over the phone, Yura.”, his voice carried finality.
”But-“
“Not now. Please. We’ll talk about this in the future. I don’t want this to influence our friendship.”
Yuri swallowed the bitterness, but he knew that Otabek would not let this matter be discussed any further.
Instead he sighed and told Otabek about his practice yesterday, leaving out for whom he had skated in his mind.
They did not speak about Yuri’s confession again.