Or We Could Just Be Quiet And Do Nothing
SFW tickle fic
3,457 words
Fandom: Team Fortress 2
Ships: none explicitly stated but Red Oktoberfest (Heavy x Medic) implied so heavily it barely counts as mere implying; Soldier & Demo and Engie & Pyro can be read either platonically or as Boots 'n' Bombs and Texas Toast respectively
Tags/warnings: non-binary Pyro with they/them pronouns; Demo’s excess alcohol consumption is discussed but only in a lighthearted way and played entirely for laughs
Summary: Scout is an annoying loud prick and accidentally starts a tickle fight. Chaos escalates as every merc gets dragged in, did they want it or not.
A/N: This fic is entirely based on this alignment chart I made in my older Tumblr; it seems to be quite well liked and honestly I still like it too. That’s the plot, that’s the fic. This was actually a pretty fun exercise on writing a comedic scene of endlessly escalating chaos.I don’t know who in the fandom headcanoned first that 1) Medic takes a little too much enjoyment out of ahem, checking for broken ribs as a totally normal examination routine, 2) Spy has a ticklish neck and 3) being tickled brings out his snort laugh in the most magnificent way possible… but I buy it all and run with it.
The RED base was fairly serene. It was Sunday evening, which meant the next morning would be the start of a new work week: that is, another five-day string of grueling war that killed your back and drained your energy so that after work nobody had interest in doing anything except eat and hit the bunk. Maybe that was all the more reason almost everyone wanted to make the most out of these final hours of quiet relaxation.
”For the last time, private, stop pestering your superior officer! Save your energy for the battlefield tomorrow!”
”But I’m full of energy right now! Come on man, fight me!”
Demo groaned. All he had wanted was a peaceful moment to chat with his best friend – Soldier apparently wanted to tell a fascinating true story involving grenades – but that chance probably was lost and not coming back this evening. Scout had lived the entire weekend on junk food and Bonk, which meant he was overloaded with caffeine, sugar and excess confidence he could beat Soldier in one-on-one melee combat. Since lunch he had been demanding for a wrestling match, much to everyone’s annoyance in the base common room: in addition to Soldier and Demo who were seated at the dining table, Engineer had spread his tools on the floor in an empty corner, focused on tinkering with Gunslinger’s adjustments, while Heavy and Medic were reading a newspaper together on the couch near the kitchen entrance, Heavy practicing his English comprehension and Medic occasionally translating him a word or two in Russian or German.
After enduring Scout’s yapping a little longer, Soldier finally had had enough.
”You want a fight, son? You get a fight! Get up and let’s get this over with!”
Scout let out a cheer and faced Soldier with a wide-legged stance.
”Oh yeah! Come at me – three, two, one, go—”
Soldier lunged forward grapping Scout’s both hands while hooking one leg around his, then throwing him backwards sending Scout to unbalance and fall. Instantly after that he lifted him from the floor and threw him over his shoulder effortlessly.
”Whoa whoa whoa! Dude, you tripped me! That was definitely against the rules!”
Everyone spectating the match laughed. Nobody even tried to mask their Schadenfreude over Scout getting tossed like pizza dough.
After throwing him around and over a few times Soldier finally pinned Scout against the wall. He was holding him off the ground by the upper arms, pressing close to him menacingly.
”Are you still willing to keep fighting? Or do I have to suplex you again?”
”Do it, lad! Suplex, suplex, suplex—” Demoman rallied everyone into joining the chant.
”On three—”
Scout struggled, trying to push Soldier’s arms off. Due to his position he couldn’t even reach them well enough to get a good grip.
”On two—”
His awkward hovering position didn’t do any good for his kicks either: he just couldn’t get enough strength into them.
”On one—”
Scout knew his final option to break free wasn’t going to be good by any means but as if there were any other choices.
Just as Soldier prepared to toss him again Scout jabbed his hands into Soldier’s armpits and wiggled his fingers there rapidly.
”Wha—heyahah! Quit it!”
The tickling weakened Soldier’s grasp and caused him to recoil enough to free Scout who immediately bolted towards the teleporter at the other end of the room. Staying here wouldn’t be safe for him now.
”Get back here, coward! That was not honorable fighting!”
”Ka-BOOM!”
Just like Scout had thought, Soldier gave chase immediately. What he hadn’t anticipated was Demoman use a couple of stickybombs to launch himself across the room (”No detonating bombs indoors!” Medic complained) and land perfectly to tackle Scout onto the floor just as he was about to make his escape. Soldier followed in Demo’s footsteps, crouching next to Scout with a menacing grin.
”Son, what you just did was punishable offense.” Soldier sat down on top of Scout’s right thigh and grabbed his right wrist, pinning the arm stretched out.
”And you disturbed our private conversation. That was pretty annoying”, Demo said locking Scout’s other arm and leg down in a similar manner. Scout could only stare at the two nervously.
”Oh come on guys, I fully admit my defeat, you—you can let me go now!”
”Nah! If you were so interested in what we were talking”, Demo flashed a mischievous grin, ”why don’t you stay put and keep listening!” Both he and Soldier dropped their free hands onto Scout’s stomach and began to claw, scratch and pinch all over while Scout erupted in boisterous laughter.
”Gahhaha! Gahahais, knock it ohohoff!”
”So anyway”, Demoman turned to Soldier, raising his voice to make it carry over Scout’s laughter, ”you were saying you once got to use some sorta mineral-based grenades?”
”Affirmative!” Soldier replied, tickling Scout all the while he talked. ”They were hard as rock so even without pulling the pin they did some good damage when thrown on enemies’ skulls—”
”You guys ahahare lame! Who the hehehell wants to discuss that crahahap?!”
”Target the sides of his ribs!” Medic shouted from the couch where he and Heavy had followed the scene unfold. ”He cannot stand when I do him a checkup for broken bones!”
Both Demo and Soldier took the advice instantly and indeed, tazing between the ribs earned them a satisfying screech and an even more violently thrashing Scout.
”EHAHAAK! -snort- NOT THEHERE!”
”Ach, same as everyone else”, Medic said. ”I even consider if I should tie certain patients up during the abdomen examination.”
”Sometimes I suspect you actually tickle them on purpose”, Heavy noted.
”Well, I cannot control how the human body works – most people just are ticklish on there! And how else can I be sure nobody is walking around with broken ribs?”
”Alright then. But then tell me, doctor, when was the last time somebody checked up yours”, Heavy chuckled suddenly pulling Medic into a bear hug and wiggling his fingers into his stomach and sides. Medic squealed and squirmed.
”Eehehoho! Misha!” He retaliated quickly with a scribble under Heavy’s chin who stifled a chortle and exploited the opening in Medic’s upraised arm – striking a precise attack in the armpit. Medic’s giggles rose into a loud falsetto as he clamped the arm back down, although it hardly helped his predicament as he effectively locked Heavy’s hand into the sensitive spot.
All the ruckus drowned the gentle whirr of the teleporter as Pyro appeared from it. Most of their weekend had gone into a new crafting project for which they had picked up the idea from Engineer’s architecture magazines; Engie had even helped here or there with the construction. The result was an honestly impressive replica of the Statue Of Liberty, glued together out of matches with the crown and torch made of scrap metal and the torch’s fire lit. Assumably Pyro had come to present Engineer their finished project but by how they looked around at the ongoing tickle fight and made delighted noises, they seemed to forget their initial objective in a heartbeat.
Pyro swung the Matchstick Sculpture Of Liberty off their hands and skipped over to join Medic and Heavy’s playful duel. They jumped onto the couch trying to wiggle themself between the other two and spidered their hands over Heavy’s midsection. The revenge was imminent from both sides: aside from a short surprised guffaw and a small flinch, Heavy recomposed himself quickly and struck back at Pyro with a coordinated co-op attack with Medic.
”Nu-uh, little arsonist! This big man is mine!” Medic taunted as Pyro curled into a ball and giggled behind their mask. Both let them up and shooed them off the couch. ”Why don’t you go play with Engineer!”
Ever since Scout had first struck at Soldier Engineer had retreated deeper into the bare corner he was in and remained quiet in hopes nobody would even remember he was there. He had anticipated his peace might become threatened the moment Pyro had first arrived but now it was inevitable – those bug eyes that perpetually gave the impression of an excited puppy were coming towards him with speed. Engineer turned slightly more towards the corner and pulled his knees closer to his body but neither truly did anything to protect him: Pyro bounced on him and started kneading his stocky love handles.
”Nahhaha— hold it, firebug! Mehehercy!” Playful roughhousing matches had become a fairly common occurrence between the two, especially when a battle had gone particularly awry and Pyro saw Engineer need a lift for his self-esteem and something to cheer him up. Namely, they had discovered quite soon into their friendship that squeezing the soft area just above Engineer’s hips was one of the easiest ways to make him curl up like an armadillo and giggle wheezily.
This time was no exception. Engineer wriggled and turned over from side to side trying to evade Pyro’s hands. ”Ahalright, buddy, enoug—bwahaha!” Pyro dipped their hands under his overalls and scribbled at his paunch – a truly bratty move.
”Daharn it, now I know you’re asking for it!” Engineer did his best to block Pyro’s attack for a moment with one hand while reaching for a counterattack with Gunslinger. As he made contact to scratch Pyro’s tummy, the latter let out a cheerful peal of muffled giggles and fell on their back spread eagle. While they reflexively twitched at Engie clawing on their midriff, they didn’t do anything to protect their tickle spots. While all this was going on, the teleport whirred again.
When that evening Sniper had left his camper to fill his thermos with coffee for the next day as usual, probably nothing would have prepared him for the scene that was now laid before him. On the floor there was Pyro rolling on their back and seemingly happily receiving belly scritches from Engineer’s creepy mecha hand; on the couch by the kitchen entrance Heavy was squeezing the thighs and hips of a wildly cackling Medic who countered by nibbling and raspberrying away on Heavy’s neck the best he could; what looked like a scrambled pile of matchsticks and a large rug under it was on fire; and lastly there were Demo and Soldier holding down a flailing, screeching Scout and holding a casual conversation while tasing at his sides, although to hear themselves over Scout they were practically yelling at each other’s faces.
”—NO WAY, SO YOU PULLED THE PIN OFF THAT ROCK AND—?”
”YES! I THREW THE GARNET AND FRACTURED THAT SLIMY COMMUNIST’S NOSE—”
”GAHAHAHAAH YOU GUYS SUHUHUCK! SNIPES, HEHEHELP!”
”YES, SNIPER! HELP US GIVE THIS TREASONOUS COWARD A LESSON!”
Sniper made a beeline into the kitchen, careful not to look anyone in the eye, and loaded the coffeemaker faster than he probably had ever done.
”Ech, spoilsport! While you’re there, can you at least fill up my—hey, what the hell?” Demo paused to pull up a leather wineskin he had grown accustomed to take to the battlefield with him: it was far more practical to drink from that as the glassy Scrumpy bottles were bound to shatter at some point anyway and usually ended up being more of use as weapons. Now he noticed the wineskin had taken damage too, though: it had a neat hole in it through which its containments had leaked out. ”Sniper!”
Sniper broke into cold sweat. Demo’s unprofessional habit of drinking on the clock had annoyed him greatly ever since he first had witnessed him stagger drunkenly around Dustbowl. It had been pure chance that during last Friday’s match a moment of relative peace had allowed Sniper to take his aim off the control point for one second and that he just had happened to get the perfect angle to pull a practical joke on the bloody drunkard. The shot had been perfect, precise and quiet: the dart had punctured the leathery bag and stopped its travel on the harder cap while its owner had been laying stickybombs blissfully oblivious of any of this. In hindsight and especially in a spot like this, though, Sniper’s moment of mischief started seeming much, much worse of an idea.
“Sorry, mate. Must have misfired.”
“Bloody hell, I paid a fine fortune for this. Let’s hope at least the cap isn’t broken.” Demo popped the wooden stopper off to inspect it. It didn’t seem to have cracked badly from the shot but there was something else that piqued Demo’s intrigue: the dart was still stuck on the stopper’s bottom, and it had a tiny piece of cloth wrapped around it.
That moment Sniper remembered what extra steps he had taken to make his trick on Demo be even cheekier. Why, oh why did the coffee have to drip so slowly?
Demo rolled the cloth – a piece of parchment – open and read its contents out loud. “’Next time, leave your piss bladder home’”, Demo’s expression tightened, “’you drunken wanker’.”
Sniper took off to a sprint towards the teleporter. Never mind the coffee, he could simply wake up a little earlier for it.
“Oh, that’s it, you bloody camper!”
“Got him!” Medic got up from the couch and managed to grab Sniper by the collar of his vest, making him yelp and stumble a few steps back. It was enough to enable Medic to wrap both of his arms around Sniper’s chest and start scritching his underarms and ribs. “Herr Sniper is one of the worst offenders when it comes to squirmy patients!”
The sight was not much short of a saddle bronc show: Sniper flailed, bucked, pushed Medic’s wrists with full force, did everything in his power to try to throw the doctor off his back. To his credit he managed to keep any laughter bubbling inside his chest from getting out, only letting a few discomforted grunts slip through gritted teeth.
“Hold ‘im tight, doctor! Those kangaroos are known to kick and box.” Sniper saw a threatening glint flash in Demo’s eye right before the latter pounced on him. The sandvich of three men fell back onto the couch, Medic on the bottom still keeping his tickly hold on Sniper who now realized he was in great trouble: he was squished between two relentless attackers and neither seemed to have any will to show him any mercy.
Demo drilled his thumbs into Sniper’s hips. “Sorry, lad. Must have misstepped”, he mocked as Sniper’s dam broke and wheezy cackles burst out.
“GHAHHAHA—! Bloody pansies, jumping ohohon two against one—!”
With Demo’s attention having diverted to another target, Scout finally managed to wriggle himself out of his captivity. The teleporter was near but it took time to warm up and Soldier was keeping up behind him way too close; Scout frantically tried to find an opening to bolt out of this common room that had descended into a stage of madness.
Scout jumped out of the way as Soldier lunged at him and speeded past him towards the door that led to the base main hall. “I need assistance!” Soldier shouted while glancing at Heavy who took the hint and leapt off his seat to join the chase.
Scout probably would have managed to escape had he not bumped into an invisible force a few feet before the door. Before he could regain his speed Heavy and Soldier had caught up to him and he felt himself whisked off the floor once again, this time crushed by Heavy’s muscular arms.
Wait. There was a big gap of empty space next to Scout yet he felt something pressing against him on that side too…
“Show yourself, traitor!” Soldier shouted.
BLU Spy decloaked to reveal the RED intel briefcase strapped to his back and a grumpy look on his face. The presence of an enemy paused all the action in the room.
“If I would have known what childish idiocy you spend your spare time engaged in”, Spy muttered, “believe me, I gladly would have postponed stealing your intelligence until at the very least tomorrow.”
“Och, don’t act like you’re so above it all”, Demo replied. “See how much fun our Sniper is having!” He punctuated his remark by aiming a two-handed tasing jab right in the folds above said marksman’s hipbones, making Sniper cry out a shrill yelp that cut off to a long wheeze.
Spy turned his face away. “Yes, I cannot believe even bushman has let his professional standards so low.”
“Uh, isn’t anyone else more concerned that there’s a freaking enemy spy in our base?” Scout asked, still kicking in the air and struggling in Heavy’s hold. “And that he has our intelligence?”
“You’re right! Little man, put briefcase down now”, Heavy exclaimed cheerfully while spidering both of his captives in their midriffs. Everyone was oddly mesmerized at how both Scout and Spy erupted in hysterics and flailed wildly like rapidly deflating balloons.
“Nohohoho dude what the heck! Why are you tickling mehehehee—!"
“Ahahaah stop ri— -snort- arrête! Arrête -snort- immédiatemehehent!”
Even Heavy was so shocked his hold on the two loosened and both got released and dropped on their feet. The room had fallen completely quiet. Spy felt nervousness creep up his spine when he realized everyone’s eyes had turned to him.
“No way”, Soldier said slowly.
“Mph mmph mmh mh mmph?” Pyro stared at Spy as if they were admiring a cardboard box full of kittens.
“I wanna hear that again”, Demo said with a growing smile. “Don’t let him get away!” He threw one stickybomb to the room’s teleporter and blew it up.
“I said no bombs inside!”
“You are not getting out of here, Frenchman!” Soldier stepped in front of the hall door and blocked the last exit of the common room.
“Incoming!”
Spy yelped in terror as Heavy, Demo and even Pyro all charged towards him as one unit. He started retreating clumsily, bumping into chairs and tables behind him while frantically fumbling with his wristwatch. Just as Heavy reached to grab him, Spy cried another yelp of fear as he narrowly dodged and managed to reactivate the cloak, vanishing again.
Heavy stopped and stared at his empty fist that held onto nothing. “He’s still near!”
“His cloaking runs out soon. He cannot hide forever”, Medic said.
“Which means he probably will try to infiltrate us. Men, one of us might be a spy!” Soldier shouted his conclusion from the door he was still guarding.
“Very good point! I suggest we check everyone and listen for those adorable noises he made”, Medic said before latching his fingers again onto Sniper’s upper body.
“Blohohoody bogan, I’ve been hehehere the whole time—!”
Pyro approached Engineer, wiggling their fingers teasingly. “Mmh mh mmph mh mmh mh mph?”
“Noho, firebug, I ain’t a spy, don’t you remember, I’ve been here this whole ev—bahahah! Plehease!” Bargaining did nothing as Pyro jumped Engie and tackled him to the floor while gleefully tickling his sides.
“Pyhyro, dohohon’t! You know it’s meheheh—Hehehelp!” Engineer tried to scramble away and held onto a snorting light stand next to him for support.
A light stand snorted?
Such a small sound had become recognizable enough to catch everyone’s ear.
Medic let go of Sniper who fell limp on the couch as a wheezing mess. “Engineer, hold that still.”
Engineer obeyed, even giving the stand’s middle another squeeze for another choked noise.
Even though it was hard to tell through the disguise, it was safe to say Spy’s focus was entirely on the direction of the imminent danger that was coming from Medic and Pyro who had taken clear interest on the noise-making “light stand”; so off-guard he was caught when Heavy snatched him from behind into a tight embrace.
Heavy blew a raspberry on the stand’s topmost seam right below the lightbulb, and the disguise dissolved.
“Nohohohon! -snort- Je vous jure -snort- quehahaha quand mes colléguehehes -snort- reviendrohohont pour -snort- moi—”
Spy’s sensitive neck (and as Medic and Pyro soon figured out, it was far from his only sensitive spot) proved to be so entertaining that almost everyone wanted to have their own turn with it. The only ones who didn’t were Engineer and Sniper who used the opening to quietly slink away, as they were smart enough not to incur the enemy Spy’s wrath, and RED Spy who had been smart enough to stay away from the common room altogether the moment he first heard raucous laughter from there.
These three were also the only ones to be spared from a respawn. Nobody bothered or remembered to put out the fire started by Pyro’s craft project so it eventually consumed the whole room and killed everyone inside.
