#swtorrp

[ginnus-draiik]

“Even I’m not dumb enough to mess with that Jedi.”

[csillandiplomacy]

“A Traitor Among the Chiss: Aftermath”

THE CHISS ASCENDANCY

In light of recent events on Copero and Syndic Zenta being apprehended, the actions of House Inrokini have reached the political arena on Csilla. As more members of the Chiss Parliament discover the truth, noble families are preparing to vie for a possible opening among the ruling class of the Chiss. However, until that is a certainty, the individuals representing each world within Chiss space require reassurance that faith in their leaders must remain strong. Aristocra Shol'ori'chaf, newly elected representative from Sarvchi alongside the primary representative of the Ruling Family House Chaf, is assembling a group of like-minded colleagues to address the legislature.

However, the persistence of treason remains as another rogue Chiss from House Inrokini endeavors to move forward with a new plan. Having acquired Roonstones, extremely valuable crystals with diverse capabilities along with classified Ascendancy technology, the rogue's intent is yet to be uncovered. But he or she must be stopped at all cost.

Summary of an upcoming Chiss Ascendancy roleplay arc I’m situating on Star Forge Server in Star Wars the Old Republic.  Welcoming all who are interested in getting involved in this plot alongside myself and members of House Shol. Reach out to me here or through Discord: Aristocra Shol’ori’chaf#4530

[handsonplanchette13]

I’ve been playing SWTOR again.

I fucking love this game, and all the new changes keep it fresh and interesting. The game itself is getting more and more polished, which I love. There’s still some modeling mistakes but I don’t even mind! The game stays fun aftrer all these years.

I’m playing on an RP realm, The Ebon Hawk. It’s the best. The RP community is top notch, everyone has such wonderful stories and fantastic writing. I’ve always loved it.

“But Cole,” you’d say, “didn’t you leap masterfully off the deep end after a slow but steady downward spiral?”

Yes. Yes, I did. I made mistakes that hurt people. I wasn’t proactive about my mental health and just... let myself be sick. That combined with an incredibly tumultuous home life left me in a constantly bad state. I was always paranoid and depressed and so angry. And nothing seemed to make it better! I was on thre different courses of medication, none of which did anything.

I was so passive regarding my mental health, which left me woefully inequipped to be a friend. I was not capable of that at the time because I did not take care of myself, and the unfortunate truth about mental illness is, when you are in such a state as that you need to hang back and not rely on other people to be there for you. Now, this isn’t a dig at the people I called my friends then, they were doing the best they could for someone they hardly knew and I’ll always be grateful for that! But it got to a point that I relied on other people for my happiness.

That’s not a good thing to do, especially when you’re unwell. It makes it easy to think of people as playthings and that’s incredibly unhealthy and is, in fact, abusive.

Mentally ill people don’t get a free pass - if you’re abusing, you’re abusive. You have to take the time and make a stand and decide, on your own, that you are going to be better. You have to try. If you want friends, and you want people to genuinely like you - and not just be afraid to say they don’t - you have to put forth some serious effort. More effort than an NT person would.

After the initial descent into madness, there was a period where I eschewed contact with most of the people I knew in game. I tricked myself into thinking I was better.

I wasn’t.

What I was doing, my friend, is paddlin’ up Denial.

I didn’t think that at the time, though, I just lashed out at whoever I could. Even people I genuinely liked became insufferable, and that’s not fair. I woke up one day and everyone I considered a friend in game had blocked me.

This of course did not lead me to change, it led me to be worse.  That’s not their fault, it’s mine - I could have taken it as a wake-up call and gotten my shit together. I didn’t. I complained, I stayed angry, it wasn’t good.

It stayed ‘not good’ for a little while longer. Of course, not all of these people felt the need to keep me at a safe distance. One person stuck around and I love her for it because it helped a lot, but she has the patience of a saint and I don’t deserve her.

After a while I realized that, even if I was on medication - life at home stunk! There was no way I could improve at all until I made my life better. My dad was always ill, and he’d been leeching money from me since my mother passed away - essentially, I was stuck with him. Giving away every bit of money I earned, and never getting any kind of respect or love. It was hard. I also didn’t have many local friends, so I was stuck in the house a lot. I was just unhappy.

Unhappy with myself, too! I always faffed around about my gender identity. I identified as non-binary and preferred they/them pronouns but most people didn’t remember that. I tried not to be upset about it, but it did get to me sometimes. Of course, I didn’t actually identify that way! I came out as transgender at the end of 2015 and almost the moment I did, a lot of the anger and frustration and depression sort of disappeared! It was wonderful! I will be starting hormones soon and I am so excited.

Also at the end of 2015, I met the man I married! He’s wonderful and I love him so much. He’s supportive and kind and warm and we are helping each other to be better people.  Rather, he’s helping me by showing me I can be a better person.

And I like to think I am becoming that. I still feel depressed sometimes, still feel paranoid sometimes. I occasionally have trouble figuring out if something really happened or if my mind made it for me. Sometimes I still have trouble figuring out what’s true and what isn’t! But I have learned to be, and to communicate.

When I’m not sure something is real, I ask.

When I’m not sure how someone feels about something, I ask.

“Are you angry with me?”

“Did we really have a big fight?”

“Did my brother really take the car?”

Because that’s what I have to do. Being away from my father’s house and having a life of my own has equipped me to deal with the stupid shit my brain does. What it boils down to is, I’m okay.

Being okay means that I know what I did to people. I was hurtful and manipulative and abusive to people I genuinely cared about! I was mean! I used them. That’s not okay. I really hurt people and upset them. And I could sit here and hate myself for it and drown in self-pity or I can be proactive and give them the real, honest apology they deserve. And because apologies are meaningless without action, I need to try to make amends.

So, to anybody I have caused pain to - anyone I manipulated or treated like a prop in my life or abused or lashed out at: I am sorry. You aren’t responsible for my happiness and I should have never treated you that way, any of you. I should have taken care of myself and taken the time to think about my actions before the fact.

And, to anybody who I was not close with and who have only heard of me in passing or saw the entire descent from the sidelines: Yes, that was really me. That happened. I’m sorry that I did those things.

[ginnus-draiik]

“Let’s all just relax.”

[ginnus-draiik]

“You sure about this?”

[ginnus-draiik]

“It’s not that far... Right?”

[a-storm-in-the-void]

[ginnus-draiik]

“Back at it. Picked up a job with that heist-planner Dalivus. Ianthe is back in my life. Things can get weird in a hurry, huh?”