#symptom log

[awetistix]

duality

[auressea]

no spoons .... only knives

welp. it's been at least a year since I had a crash/flare this bad.

Day 3: PEM is the worst and I feel so helpless...

horrible, restless, non-refreshing sleep

heart rate spikes for things like, bending over or standing up

all over body pain and weakness - I keep dropping stuff and falling over my own feet

sensory weirds- like a migraine without the migraine

oxygen hunger. I HATE this.

weighted blanket and girdle are NOT enough to calm down my nervous system

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I think I get minor trauma responses to the concept of baking due to my traumatic exit from school & the whole experience of it.

This includes my heart speeding up & my breathing trying to mess up (but I'm good at breathing so I don't let it), anxiety, thought spirals sometimes, emotional downturn, avoidance, etc

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I have this delusion that I caused an entire event to end today. I hurt my knee & I kind of didn't want to perform, but I was willing to push through. Then, our performance was cancelled. Then, the whole event was cancelled. I know it is not my fault in the sense that my actions caused a chain of events that cancelled the event, but I feel like metaphysically it is my fault.

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I go through phases of varying lengths & I have trouble with time so don't ask me.

Phases include: drinking, smoking (by which I mean usually edibles), jerking off, cutting, even starving sometimes, & oddly enough sleeping.

For example: one time I was helping a gentleman who needed medical care. The cops came instead so I stayed with him because he needed help not the pigs, & then once I got home I just fell asleep. I usually can't fall asleep during the day. I struggle to fall asleep at night, or I used to before I started staying up too late & drinking/"smoking". It also happens after arguments. Other emotional events. Sometimes if I'm anxious, I'll just fall asleep as a form of escapism ig.

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

The anxiety isn't wrong either, btw.

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I get what I think were anxiety attacks before every shift of work or school, or at least some cases. I even do similar things for my martial arts class.

Cafe & evening dining especially for the anxiety attacks but also the diner & the expo.

May be related to waiting mode.

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I have a fear of mind readers & hidden cameras.

Imagine a mind reader is just browsing the minds they can read. They see my eyes & read my thoughts. They don't know who I am, but if I think my name or if they see my face in the mirror, they will be able to associate the face to the mind. I cover up mirrors, avert my eyes, or turn off the lights, & I have a fake name I use in my head. I literally made up a fake identity so that mind readers won't find me.

I will give the middle finger to an empty room, especially the corners. In fact, I have a fear that there are cameras in the rooms at the doctor's. I also have a fear of motion activated lights & toilets.

I get self centred thoughts of conspiracy before I realize that no, people aren't all working together to prank me, that's far fetched. I still think it tho.