Day 4 Shadow Work: Father
feat. @daughteroflancre’s beautiful MetaphOracle Deck ♡
There is a great deal of trauma and loss associated with my father. As I discussed previously in the shadow work post about childhood, he had always been prone to physical punishment but I believe it was mostly reasonable up until the time of his traumatic brain injury that caused the drastic shift in his personality. He gave me my love of music… being in an 80s hair metal band where the whole group of guys treated me like their tiny roadie. I learned drums from him and would often sit on his lap during band practice, or dance around the garage. We would spend hours fogged in a hairspray-clouded bathroom getting ready for a bar gig (BIG BIIIIG HAIR, my friends… and spandex). He is where I learned that a proper car doesn’t run with the radio off, and that it runs best when the rock n’ roll is LOUD! He taught me to fight… we would wrestle in the livingroom floor for fun and, when I got older, I would learn to defend myself by throwing a proper punch and learning key pressure points and ways to escape. It’s unfortunate that information did not help me as he became abusive later on…
He and mom had a lot of issues that went unaddressed. When he got sick, I think there was no way to ignore the issues anymore and that is what began the severe following years of fighting that would ultimately lead to their divorce. There was suspicion of infidelity on both sides, which led to controlling and psychologically abusive behavior.
I inherited my father’s temper and tendency towards yelling and physical lashing out. While I manage to keep it regulated most of the time, when it does surface it is most often aimed at my children. While they have never been (and WILL NEVER be) beaten as I was when I was little, just the tendency disgusts me. It makes me feel like utter shit that I could be capable of treating them the way I was treated as a child. It is something I hate deeply about myself. So… I seek help. It is something I have been doing and will continue to do. I will not damage my beautiful children the way I was damaged. The cycle will not continue.
What element of the father archtype might I benefit from considering? A lot of retrospective thought about by father has already been completed… to the point that, just as the cards said, it is beating a dead horse. The fact is, while I miss early memories with my father, he was abusive. He was sick and refused to get help… and it caused physical and psychological damage to myself, my mother, and my sisters. He has done nothing to earn his place back in my life, and so he is no longer my father in any respect but biology.
What does this mean? It means I can recognize that even the worst people used to be good. I can recognize that good moments do not excuse abuse. I can also recognize that terrible people can do better if they try… something my father has not, at least not yet. I recognize the traits I inherited from him and I know that good people can do bad things too… because I am good, but I have some pretty serious flaws. My rage, my tendency for addiction, the creeping mental illness… I fight it daily, and I will continue to fight. It will not win me like it won him.
