#sysjournal

[arcusf4rley]

Jaime hereeee :3

I love this life milo created for us!!! ♥︎♥︎

[lost-dreamers-troupe]

Getting reassurance from multiple people that like, this is real and we're not just like, playing pretend in a way that we have no control over (which would...make it real, I guess but y'know how it is)

Is really nice. Hearing that there's clear differences between us -- ways we hold our body, ways we talk, ways we move -- more than just what I (Roz) am cognizant of while someone else is fronting.

Because when someone else is fronting, I'm looking through them like a filter -- I'm still there (usually) but everything is colored by the perception of the person driving. So I feel their feelings and their ways of looking at the world.

So like, I can remember or tell when I'm Adam because I can feel the way my posture shifts -- I can feel the way he looks at the world and feel his like, default emotional status.

But that's all internal, at least other than posture and voice (which hits out at around the bottom of my speaking range) and so it's always like "well I (Roz) am still here -- I'm still cognizant of everything, still looking at everything that happens (usually)." so it feels... fake. It feels like I must just be playing, I must just be roleplaying but...

I am not a good enough actor to change my micro expressions, I don't even know if I know how to alter that in theory, because it is such a subconscious thing...

Because like, also, in order to switch (if I'm not really high), I usually have to like, "get into" their mental state. If Florian wants to front we usually spend a little bit of time cofronting/blended while I'm "putting on" Florian enough for him to be in the driver's seat. (Sometimes there are just out of nowhere shifts where suddenly, like, Adam is fronting or Florian is fronting. The last couple weekends we've had Laci out a lot)

So it feels like.... I'm play-acting, because I have to like, pretend to be/take on the mannerisms of the alters in order to allow them to shift into front except on a rare occasion.

Anyway though, yeah -- talking with my partner online (and we've had this convo in person too) and talking with my housemates... Hearing that no, there are very obvious tells, very obvious ways of existing and being that make the others Not Roz.

The things I feel when Adam is fronting, the things I remember the body doing (the posture shift, the change in body language, dropping our pitch), they're all things others see clearly... Things I don't know how I would even start figuring out how to change (the micro-expressions, the different ways of gesturing)...

I wonder if our body "passes" better when like, Adam or Louis are fronting. I know we probably pass way less if like, Laci or Morgan are fronting because y'know, they're both very much girls. Just hm.

[ojirocardigansniper]

Spontaneously started doing a micro-journaling in our system server yesterday thats more like the "how to identify people when you're not Extremely Different" post advice which lit our brain up💡. And the part that really feels unique deeptrue exciting is the word association "moment-name" at the beginning of each. In our brain words are sound-weighted rhythmic connotative objects with semi-conscious meaning, and stimming out Sounds that are also words we know is something that leaves better re-accessible record of subjective experience than trying to describe things explaining-ways. The "things that happened" memory doesn't reliably connect to "the way it felt" and "sensory associations" memories in our brain, so we incorporate all three into one entry for later recall. Plus also there are only so many words for, say, "hyperactive and transcendant and strange" but a thousand thousand different ways of experiencing something you could call that. Hence blur slipshod cairn tanager (yesterday afternoon) is different from blue cassock chiasmus (written at the top of our to-do list paper today). Emojis can also be incorporated but those are harder to use as they're more-concrete visual objects (also which change depending on operating system) rather than semantic metanexii with fleeting sensory qualities like words. Hold on saying that now it sounds a little synesthetic. Thats so funny

[ojirocardigansniper]

tha t fucking post about how to alters when no one is easily differentiated. Changed The Game. rotating the fuck out of it. have thought for several years now that seasonalbrains (LITERALLY an eladrin. funniest shit on earth) are honestly different states of consciousness and yeah. they literally are. not as far separated as "they would completely cede ownership of each other's actions" but the conscious experience of being each one is notably different in qualitative ways we deeply struggle to describe. this situation and our seasonal affective disorder are bigtime chicken and egg circle. "the psychiatric mood disorder lens diagnoses SAD where various dissociative phenomena/conscious-states arise seasonally" and "neurochemistry changes associated with clinically studied SAD may have caused/further exacerbated the dissociative season cycle in us" equally. anyway all this getting said because we've had a funny little switchy evening not in the previously-watched-for ways of identity marker dysphorias or intense emotional disavowals But just in wants and dissatisfactions with options provided. "Actually no i dont want to do the stupid stuff you were vaguely thinking about doing i want to figure out what i actually want to do". and then we've just carouseled around a bit on different focus topics. plurality and reading fanfic and browsing tumblr and whatnot. amusing

[ojirocardigansniper]

found out one of our favorite picrew artists made some new ones we hadnt done yet.... we always make poppy in all of their picrews cus her first really good self image was from the pink princess one so we really like making her in their style... also dressup doll kind of stuff is all happy little activity for us.... reminds us of good kid memories... here's the new ones... we love you poppy!!

[ojirocardigansniper]

IM ALIVE hi -azee 🍉

[ojirocardigansniper]

i love sysmates who picked an outside person as THEIR person who they would defend to the death (in a healthy friendship way. its ok) like the platonic version of if you dont clap and cheer for my lame ass boyfriend i will blow this fucking building up . One of our meandykes hasnt been seen in absolutely months bc we're getting good at enforcing boundaries on ourselves which was his specialty but when one of our longtime friends needed help with that he was like SO HERE SO FAST . bc he's been cussing out this friend's bullshit life circumstances validationally for absolutely years now and when the batsignal goes up he's THERE no matter how little he's been tuned into front lately. its just very sweet we love him for that

[ojirocardigansniper]

thinking abt making a webbed site again. good to put writing on, good to put blogposts on. Thinking about making a system area too...... yesterday we spent time with besties and talked about whatever all evening including pluralisms and we told stories about our early syscovery stuff 2015-2016 bc neither of them were there for that, and like... man. we really do have perspective on that scary first year now. first few years. things are stable now. we lived through a lot of internal stuff that was so scary bc we didn't have anyone who could reassure us and explain things. and we could share those now if we wanted... the memories don't hurt anymore and they could help some new system who's hurting now. access to lived experience is so important especially lived experience with *hindsight perspective*. being in community only with people who are just as deep in the shit is still valuable but there's going to be a lot of fear and uncertainty that none of you can alleviate much for each other. we had no community knowledge when we needed it most. that's changing. that's beautiful