First Kiss:
What are you doing? I wanted to find something to talk about, or distract him somehow. I kept looking around at everyone running around the pool. Surely he’s not going to kiss me in front of everyone. Nearly my entire 4-h club had gathered to celebrate the end of the year. Someone come over here and save me. The trees were still thick with green leaves. Summer still clung to them despite it being September. I debated getting up and snacking on more food. He’d probably follow me. His hand was in mine. We sat that way, almost like statues. He was talking to me about something. I tried to focus on what he was saying, something about the Eagle Scouts, but my mind wouldn’t settle. I felt trapped, or tricked somehow. I thought we were just going to have fun, but this didn’t feel fun. This felt heavy, weighted with some kind of preset rules I never agreed to. The white pool lounge we’re were sitting on was missing some of its plastic stripes. I stare at anywhere but him. I can feel it. I can somehow tangibly feel the intent he has to kiss me. It’s like a strange pressure that seems to squeeze in on me from all directions. He’s my boyfriend, i’m supposed to kiss him. That thought doesn’t make me feel any less anxious. I want to tell myself it’s just nerves, but I can’t. I know better. I don’t want to kiss him. But he wants to kiss me. I know it far before he takes my chin in his hand and turns to toward him. He presses his lips against mine. It’s a gentle kiss, tentative. I can feel the faint scratch of his stubble against my cheek. I let him kiss me, and like a good girlfriend I kiss him back. I hoped that would be enough, but he deepens the kiss. It tastes like carrot. I pull away after what seems like a reasonable amount of time. My face feels like it’s on fire. My stomach churns. I want to go home. I want to disappear. I want my mom to come pick me up. I want this day to be over, or to never have happened. When she finally did come to pick me up, all the way home she asked me if I was alright. I didn’t know what to tell her.