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Starting to notice a pattern of dissociation starting. Restlessness and small dissociative symptoms start around 3:30~ Exhaustion hits around 4:00 So now I'm tired and unable to focus. It's been going on for at least the last few days. Psycho says that the Swamp SubSystem gets particularly active in March.

#System notes

As I am .. becoming .. me ig

I thingnit might be beneficial if I just end .. early so no one is hurt .

I have things.reasons even but .I can't be fucked to try to talk about it

Anyhow I believe I'm done

It hurts

I.m alone

Goodnight Wisconsin

#luc-#system notes #i wish i was better honestly #hah ok #good night

On a different note I've really liked my own art lately. Learned some old cartoonist techniques and have really flourished. It's fun again.

#system notes #file: kole

Man... It was a product of me being in my early 20s and not having developed any coping mechanisms yet but I am so relieved I'm not entirely the person I was 10 years ago anymore. I found some old dms from people with deactivated blogs and... I really did just vent constantly to anyone who'd sympathize with no consideration for how that might make them feel used eventually. I didn't even bother committing names to memory. It's no wonder I couldn't keep friends. I was miserable and didn't know how to fix it beyond crying at anyone who'd give me a minute.

I get why. I was desperate to be listened to in a way that felt like I was actually being heard and not just patted on the head. Having a husband I'm 100% compatible with has helped me a lot in being less unpleasant to be around. He helped me find better ways to cope. And also helped me leave my shitty exes.

I'm still not great to be around. I don't think that'll ever change unless I miraculously learn how the average well adjusted person communicates boundaries without sounding like the meanest most accusatory cunt asshole in the world. But at least I'm slightly better at looking through a broader lens when I'm experiencing a negative emotion. I talk about those now too rather than just ruminating until I resent them or my paranoia concludes they want me to leave them alone in the first place.

That's funny to think about. 10 years later and the desire to just leave my poor coping habits unchecked is still there. Difference now is I've learned how isolating and harmful to others that can be and don't let myself shit on my own life as often anymore.

I'm still the same person I guess then. I'm still unpleasant at my core. But I try now to not hurt people with my feelings... and I guess that makes a big difference. If I weren't good, my husband wouldn't have bothered with literally anything he does, after all. And if he thinks I'm good, I can't be all that unpleasant...

#file: jed #system notes