#system vent

[icarus-collective]

If I deleted everything system related, stopped talking about my system, and stopped updating people about front shit… tempting

[themuttbarks]

Vent , no tw(needed) I'm just embarassed 2 exist .. (social problems /mental health + disabled)

I am. Soooo tired and in pain all the freaking time. And our social ability is absolute dogshit at the moment (and has been for a while).

Constantly in pain and having 2 often avoid being online or limit interaction + the want and need 2 socialize + the feeling that we offer NOTHING 2 the conversation and theres no point in talking because of it since we just butt into convos and offer nothing + constant brain fog and dissociating making finding words/sounding "normal" hard + the feeling that we're incredibly boring because of all the limitations + if I do try and socialize it just feels like we are being annoying + narcissism + constantly being on the verge of overstimulation or a migraine +++ it keeps fucking going !!!!

I feel so boring and annoying and "snowflakey" .... but I must live laugh love myself (failing )

One day we will overcome internalized abelism at least a little it....

[thing-space]

i dont. feel good.

cut ties. with. best friend. host gone.

[stars-bleed]

It was all our fault! Why complain about teachers being "mean" to us? We were being a stupid lazy fuck, they had every right to tell us to stop being so lazy and to give up when nothing happened. So what if we were mentally ill. We should've been better and it's entirely our own fault that things suck for us right now.

They were right all along, we ruined literally our entire fucking life when we weren't even in middle school yet. God I wish we weren't such a catastrophic failure. I wish we could stop being lazy.

[sovsys-afterhours]

excited to finally have a therapist sometime soon but also terrified because what if i remember even less than i thought. what if i have entire years worth of amnesia thats hiding something unthinkable what if im tainted far more than i think what if its all somehow worse

[stars-bleed]

So tired of being a sad, useless, pathetic little rat that exists solely to be kicked so people can laugh at us when we're hurt. All we're here for! All we'll ever fucking be!

Evil and wretched and disgusting. Why keep us alive.

[whatistheeverdict]

nothing is worse than being in a "we're all the same person deep down" system but being fully your own person

i fucking hate all of you. no i dont care we share a brain, i am NOT you. i have my own memories, my own thoughts, feelings, ideas. every time i see my little plural profile they made me i want to vomit.

im dehumanized here. im reduced to a "dni", to a "prosecutor". why must i exist for your roles, to hold your anger, to be your "scary alter". i am not you. i am not your ALTER, i am my own person. i hate all of you.

and i just have to deal with it - being a PERSON, a real person with thoughts and dreams who will be put back in the closet of months and months of amnesia and will never do anything. theyve manipulated everyone into seeing me as the angry one, so i cant have friends. i cant talk about my interests.

when people see its me, they stop talking. they get upset im not somebody else. if i mention any of my passions i will be shot down and distanced and alone again. think about that, please. this is torture. this is inhumane. this is a disgusting cruelty to do to a HUMAN BEING, i am a PERSON. i dont want to be a part of somebodies mind, i am my own mind, i am my own being. im not some fucking crazy. please.

im somehow the "bad one" just because im angry. im being abused by my own system.