‘expiration dates’
@syxerxes
jaewon’s rage boils over, his skin freezer-burned from emotional coldness, his teeth clench, eyes furious, hands swiping at the objects on the table next to him until everything spills over onto the floor. he shoves the damn thing over, causing a crash, causing turmoil, his frustration at everything around him—this ship that isn’t his, these clothes that aren’t his, these strangers who don’t know him, and xerxes who doesn’t understand him. he’d wanted to hit xerxes hard in that moment, wanted to force the other to feel a much more physical version of the pain in jaewon’s chest, but he’s never struck at someone he loves before, and he won’t ever, he can’t cross that line. but he is upset and the only alternative to expressing hurt that he’ll allow himself is anger.
“what the hell is wrong with you?!” he screams, like he’s desperately trying to reach through whatever sound barrier xerxes might have put up. “don’t you fucking get it?! you want to be free, that’s fucking fine, but you don’t have to fucking disappear without telling me—i thought you were dead, you asshole!” once again, xerxes tends to do things without thinking of anyone else, without paying attention to the consequences—such as jaewon being stranded here alone without him. jaewon alone, on this boat full of strange people, this boat full of chaos that xerxes seems to love, while jaewon is growing to hate it.
is this really the same person jaewon had fallen asleep with just last night? the same person he kisses morningside every day, soft like whispers sometimes and strong like hurricanes other times. they are a mess, the two of them disheveled and disjointed, and jaewon knows they don’t fit together because sometimes when he bites xerxes’s collarbones, he thinks of stars dying, blinking out without a sound, and wonders what that feels like. sometimes when he tastes xerxes lower lip, he thinks of the number of months he has until he’s 17, until he’s old enough to look the part of an 18-year-old, until he can fool the independents into allowing him to sign his life away.
this relationship has an expiration date, but it’s not today. today jaewon woke up and xerxes wasn’t there, not at breakfast, not at lunch, not at dinner, not anywhere on board, and it’s taken this fucking long for him to get a straight answer; that xerxes had gone planetside without him. for god knows why. they’ve been arguing now for over an hour, two twin problems—an unstoppable force and an immovable object—unable to come to terms or call a cease-fire. it’s got to be past midnight and jaewon is exhausted, but not as exhausted as his heart, pounding in his chest like drum. he wants to run away, he wants to be done, but he also wants to kiss xerxes again, wants to fall asleep together again. he wants to smash his own head into the wall.
