I can get all the advice in the world and may agree with it. It may empower me for a few hours. It may change my mind about a lot of things, temporarily. It may do all sorts of things from preventing me from going back.....but its only temporarily.
No matter what anyone says. No matter what....you will always have the ache in your heart. You will always have a glimpse of hope in your heart. You will always be in denial. You will always see the very best in every situation and only that. (or the very worst depending on the mood LOL)
I had a night with my girls last night and I was able to talk about my situation. My friend really put things into perspective. She wasn't like everyone else that said “don’t go back.” She made me see WHO I AM. Apparently, I’m a bitch. I’m a bitch to the people I love and a sweetheart to the people I don’t know. This is how people that I know portray me as. I portrayed my boyfriend as an asshole. HE IS MY REFLECTION. I’M HIS REFLECTION. So the things he did that annoyed me are the same exact things that I do to annoy others. He is me. I am him. Of course, not entirely but there's a few solid parts. This is us. This is how I can learn about myself. You know...I always believed and still believe that we can learn so much from each other. I get easily worked up about things and he made me realize “ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS.” And...it really isn't.
The problems my boyfriend and I had were...NOT THAT SERIOUS. I mean yes....certain arguments became VERY INTENSE. I look back and I think....did it have to be that way? certainly not. I’m not blaming anyone. Neither of us are to blame. Then she told me about different peoples relationships and THEY ALL HAVE PROBLEMS. It made me realize YEAH I HAD SOMETHING GOOD. Its too late to say anything or fix anything. I wasn't the one who broke off my relationship.
All that's been said and done has really damaged me. To be told “I’m not in love with you, I don’t see you in my future (2x), I want you to be able to communicate in polish with my parents, I told martin that I didn't see myself with you.” That all BROKE my heart...again. But why do I deny all these things? I know he loves me. I know I make him happy. I felt a future with him. I did. I did feel a disconnect and it was coming from him. But we were able to talk about it. I told him “How can you let THAT stop you from loving someone? Because just being polish is what will really make you happy? I understand it to a certain extent but realize this is whats also stopping you from being happy” He realized it and responded with “I have this fantasy life imagined that like you said probably won’t make me happy. But you do make me happy. Even when you get me mad. And you said you would make an attempt to learn polish and all that so that means a lot to me. I rather be with you and happy then force something with a polish girl and not be happy.” So this is all confusing because he says there's hope and I feel like there's hope. I always felt like we could blossom. My friend pointed out that her mom is Cuban and her father is Greek. Her mom understands Greek and can speak it. She even cooks Greek food. THIS SHOULD NOT STOP HIM.
We are each others first love and he asked “How do you know you won’t feel the same way with someone else?” My friend simply said “ You guys won’t” and she said it with a smile. It honestly put me at ease and I don’t know why because that's my answer. Why sabotage a good relationship you have now to find out if you feel the same with someone else? And what if you don’t? What if you do? I know I’m young and I have a lot ahead of me but lets be real....this isn't over. Maybe I’m feeding myself lies....Maybe not.
