I See Forever in You pt 2
Dean’s been having nightmares since Cas came back. It’s always the same. Cas says ‘I love you’, then ‘Goodbye, Dean’, and Dean has no time to fully feel the hope grow, the confusion set in, and the horror form before he’s being thrown aside as the Empty emerges and takes away his happiness. And he’s left in that room, alone and in shock, mind racing to process what just happened.
He keeps waking up in a cold sweat, struggles to catch his breath and he focuses on calming his heart beat. Like every night, he hears footsteps outside his door, sees a shadow through the gap underneath the door pacing around. Cas never knocks, just stands or paces on the other side until Dean’s heart rate return to normal and he starts drifting off again. He doesn’t know if Cas is aware that he hears him every night. Isn’t even really sure if Cas appearing when he’s gasping awake is because the angel is tempted to comfort him from his dreams or if it’s just coincidence.
(It’s not coincidence, and Dean knows this. He’s just trying to kill whatever hope and feelings he has left before they lead him down the inevitable path of rejection. It’s not working so far.)
Dean finally calms down, but his body doesn’t seem willing to fall back into sleep so easily.
“Fuck,” he quietly sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, staring up at the ceiling as he thinks.
They haven’t really spoken past a few one-word answers (mostly from Dean) since that morning in the kitchen. Dean can’t bring himself to be in the same room as the angel for too long before he’s fighting his instinct to snap and fight until everyone leaves him. Sam’s getting tired of it, won’t stop bugging Dean about the whole thing.
What is going on between the two of you?
No, this is ridiculous! You were the one who was fighting and begging to find something, anything, to bring him back. Well, he’s here, and you can’t be bothered to even look at him for more than two seconds! What’s going on?
Sam, drop it! I don’t want to talk about this!
Please, man. I can’t. Not right now.
He sighs again, frustrated. We’re just friends. Ridiculous. Of course they’re not just friends. Dean’s pretty sure they’ve never really been just friends since they first met in that barn.
But clearly, the universe is dead set on them not getting their happy ending. Between world-ending events, other relationships, death, and Dean’s intensified fear of losing him for the rest of Dean’s life on Earth, Cas has always been just out of his reach.
Sleep doesn’t come back for him tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s getting harder to avoid the angel. Dean aches to touch him, talk to him, just be with him. He wants to tell him everything. How Dean only seems to rest when Cas in the room. How he’s the first person Dean’s eyes search for when he makes a joke, wanting to see if it made Cas laugh. How Dean wants to open his eyes as he wakes and find those blue eyes staring back at him. How Dean wants to hold him without fear of abandonment or rejection. How he wants to look at Cas one day and see the proof of years of their love in every wrinkle, every gray hair, every bit of the life they’ve built together. He wants to tell him everything.
He holds it all in because — what happens if he says all of this and Cas disappears for good? No way to get him back? Rowena was clear — there’s no guarantee that the spell would work. She couldn’t promise it would actually cancel the deal. Cas was taken because he voiced his feelings. That’s it. He just said it. What if Dean says it back and they finally get a glimpse of what they could have and the Empty decides to come back? Dean wouldn’t survive it.
So, he holds it all in and is careful to not be in the same room as Cas for too long. Is careful not to talk to him as much and risk them falling back into familiar banter and letting his guard down. Because then Dean’ll say something reckless, like ‘I love you, too’.
Unfortunately for Dean’s current predicament, Jack is coming by today, which means avoiding Cas is about to get much harder.
Dean’s preparing lunch for everybody. They haven’t seen the kid in almost two months (God duties really take up a lot of time) and he wants to give him a nice, normal family meal. Kid deserves it, after everything Dean’s put him through.
After they defeated Chuck, Dean got a bit… mean with everyone. Got angry quick and threw beers back quicker. Jack, though. Jack got a very specific, very John Winchester, version of Dean. Every time he spoke a certain way or tilted his head just right, all Dean could see was the ghost of the angel. It hurt like hell, and Dean didn’t know how to handle that pain. So, yeah. He got a bit mean.
The stone of guilt makes itself known beneath Dean’s ribs. He needs to give Jack a good welcome home.
He’s flipping the burgers when Sam comes into the kitchen.
“Everything’s almost ready out there. Eileen’s got Cas on movie duty while she handles the games,” Sam says, a small smile on his face.
Dean hums in acknowledgment, still a bit lost in thought. Sam speaks again.
“It’s gonna be nice to see Jack again.” A pause. Then a bit quieter, “Have you thought about what you’re gonna say to him when he gets here?”
That makes Dean look up. “What?”
“I’m just askin’. It wasn’t like you guys left things on great terms last time he was here,” Sam replies, hands coming up in surrender.
“Yeah,” Dean sighs out, “I know. You let me worry about that.”
Sam nods. He opens his mouth again but then —
“Jack!” They hear Cas and Eileen start fussing over Jack.
“Showtime,” Dean says as he wipes his hands on the dish towel. He pats Sam on the back as he passes.
Jack looks the same. A bit weathered down in the eyes and like the world is on his shoulders (which, duh) but he’s got the same smile on his face he gets whenever he’s with his people. He’s hugging Cas when Sam and Dean walk in.
Sam greets him first when Cas lets go, pulling him into a hug. “Hey, Jack. Good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
Dean stands a little awkwardly behind Sam, watches as Jack’s smile falters a bit when their eyes meet.
Dean gives him a quick hug and tries not to feel so guilty when Jack hesitates. Cas’s eyebrows furrow a little at that.
Food ready? Eileen signs.
“Yep. Let’s go.” Dean lets everyone go first, catches Jack’s arm before he leaves the room.
“Jack, uh, I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. Not after everything you did to stop Chuck. Not after everything that happened with Cas. I shouldn’t have ever treated you like that,” Dean says, trying to tamper down the discomfort he feels. “I’m sorry, kid. You ain’t gotta forgive me or anything. I just— I needed to tell you.”
Jack looks at him for a moment, an unreadable look on his face. “I think we both got lost in our grief. For what we had just gone through and the people we lost… for Cas.”
Jack pauses, then gives Dean a small smile. “I forgive you, Dean. We’re going to have to make an effort to get along better, especially now that Cas is back, but… I forgive you.”
Dean smiles a bit, then gestures towards the kitchen with his head. “Let’s go before they eat everything.”
He follows Jack to the kitchen, feeling a little lighter.
As he walks into a scene straight out of a movie, with all the people he loves most in the world, Dean locks eyes with Cas. Just for a moment, but it feels like everything. Dean glances away, and tries to calm his heart.
@maxity @creating-happiness-with-force
