Welcome to The Hypnovator™! We're plural, the subsystem that makes up "Val" - which is our collective name - are as follows:
🌿Choko - She/they
🪓Suzee - She/they
🖊️Vola - He/they
There are two headmates outside of the subsystem but they value their privacy (weirdos) so they don't get mentioned here.
We're demisexual and Agender as a collective, the only one of us who really cares much about labels is Vola who considers himself a demiboy. Transbian (which we suppose makes Vola straight? idk labels are confusing.), Poly, and we are in fact looking. Specifically we're looking for a Mommy/Mistress/Caregiver type to share a meaningful connection with. We have to crave each other's very soul if it's gonna work out, but putting this little detail there for anyone brave enough to shoot their shot at collaring poor Vola. (🖊️ Why am I being singled out specifically?)
That reblog about not knowing what decision might catapult you into a new timeline got me thinking -
A few weeks before the Lover and I got together, we both went to this sensual touch party. We attended with the Bestie, some friends and the Lover's partner. The event was set up like a kink party with play spaces/equipment, but was specifically underwear-on, focused on sensuality. I think the Lover and might have ended up together even if i hadn't attended this event, but it feels really pivotal.
I went through a fucking JOURNEY that night. I learnt so much about the way that I wanted to receive touch but was afraid of asking for it. Over the course of the evening I offered touch to several people, friends and newly connected strangers. I found the experiences nice but hollow. I wanted to receive. I wanted to be treasured, and centered, and adored. But I wasn't allowing myself the vulnerability of asking for it.
I found myself in the smokers area, musing and moody at the lack of depth to my connections, because I was holding myself back.
I ended up having a long, delicious and intimate conversation with a stranger. I can't remember anything about her but a shaved head, and she heard me and held my frustration incredibly gently and kindly. I fortified myself, and with this stranger's encouragement, I went and found some of my friends, screwed up all my courage and said "ACTUALLY THE THING THAT HAPPENED EARLIER WHERE THE BESTIE GOT TO LAY DOWN IN THE MIDDLE AND EVERYONE TOUCHED HER NICELY. CAN WE DO THAT TO ME!?"
And GOD it felt weird and awkward and awful to ask for, having to round people up and wait for them to have finish up their other scenes, feeling like a burden and an imposition the whole time. My brain was screaming that it would be better to just disappear into nothing instead of letting my friends focus their attention on me. Like I would have to EARN the affection that they offered me, and I had not yet proven myself.
Ironically the people that I approached were Bestie and Nest, the Lover's partner and long-term friend of mine. it's not that I specifically avoided asking the Lover, they just weren't around when I was screwing up my courage. The Bestie and Nest lay me down. They pet and massaged me, trailing scratching claws over me, and the Lover joined soon after, asking my consent to add their hands to those already upon me.
(When discussing that evening later on, the Lover said they saw what was happening from across the room and absolutely DROPPED whatever they were doing, so keen were they to be amongst the people that were touching me, their interest in me already developed, curious and seeking.)
I settled into the touch and allowed myself the vulnerability of receiving that night, and it felt SO rewarding. I felt myself re-patterning this idea that I would need to earn tenderness, that my friends only wanted me for what I had to give to them, instead of sitting together it mutual-ism and reciprocity.
The OTHER thing that felt pivotal about that night was that the Lover wore this TINY fucking g-string and I got to see their bare ass a bunch which made it easy to say "Fuck yeah," when they propositioned me a few weeks later.
When I turned up to first discuss kink and sexual compatibility with the Lover, I brought a notebook with all of my interests. Between the lessons that I learnt at the sensual touch party, and Devon Price's writings about setting a "no vanilla" boundary, I turned up SO fucking authentically, honest about my wants. And I have been so, so deeply rewarded for that honesty and vulnerability.
Those rewards continue to change my life all the time, and those lessons come up for me all the time, whenever those brain gremlins ask me to diminish my needs, or tell me that my friends and lovers would be better off if I made myself small. Catapulted into a different timeline indeed.
Peak Transgender Moment on a date yesterday; she was talking about her travel plans and mentioned that she ‘liked plumbing’. I took it at face value that she was literally interested in the mechanics of plumbing and was like ‘fascinating, tell me more’. Several minutes of confusion later I eventually worked out that she just likes having access to flushing toilets (╥﹏╥)
IN MY DEFENCE I recently went out with another girl who monologued for some time about different types of concrete so of course I didn’t bat an eye at the idea that this woman’s special interest was plumbing! I was SO READY to pay rapturous attention to an infodump about U-bends or whatever!!
