#hank talks

[commander-diomika]

LOVE that there's oodles of juicy, nonmonog romcom action going on in the background of The Murderbot Diaries but Murderbot is like "if you even mention sex to me I will throw myself out an airlock."

[crybunnii]

I hope one day someone looks at me and thinks "wow she's mine".

[commander-diomika]

Rereading the first Murderbot book, had forgotten these absolutely Peak Relatable Murderbot moments

-when someone asks Murderbot why it won't make eye contact and it grinds its teeth so hard it loses performance reliability and

-when someone has an Incorrect opinion about its favourite show so it has to pipe up and correct them even though its in the middle of being interrogated.

[commander-diomika]

Current weirdest fandom gripe is people in the Severance tag misusing the word "waterboarding". Dunking someone's face repeatedly underwater is NOT waterboarding.

Waterboarding is when you put a cloth over someone's face and pour water over it so they gasp in air THROUGH the soaked cloth thus aspirating water droplets and causing a great deal of pain and drowning slowly.

Respect the hard work and culture of ingenious tortures by getting the lingo right.

[commander-diomika]

Whilst I'm more about polyships myself, if you do go in for monogamy I think the funniest trio of Origin ships is Gale/Astarion, Shadowheart/Lae'zel and Wyll/Karlach coz like

Gale and Astarion have their toxic old man yaoi thing going on and can't stop preening and puffing themselves up real big like angry cats as soon as the other one comes near.

Shadowheart and Lae'zel are literally trying to kill each other.

And Wyll and Karlach are like, braiding each other's hair and talking about how much they love saving endangered children

[commander-diomika]

One day when I'm not doing cis-for-pay sex work, the only kind of gender affirming surgery I want is a metoidioplasty, but WITHOUT moving the urethra, closing the vaginal opening or creating a scrotum out of the labia. I JUST want my clitdick to be free and swanging without all the other stuff that moves me closer to looking like I was born with a penis.

I LOVE my front hole and labia, squatting to pee is fine and stand-to-pees exist. I just deserve a big visible erect clit!! I have trawled trans reddits and photo buckets and have struggled to find any imagery of what that looks like tho coz once again I'm out here doing lonely gender maximalist shit.

[commander-diomika]

Had an absolute DAY yesterday

Finished up my prison class (have been doing a program for 3 months where I go and study comparative criminal justice in a men's max security prison with half the students being from my uni, half of them being guys on the inside.) did our group presentations at the visitor centre in the prison, lots of speeches, got to meet some of the guys' family that came along, and then said goodbye forever to a bunch of ppl that I've had a really formative experience with that I'll never see again. (they were very strict on no sharing of personal info, no becoming pen pals etc, to keep the program from running into trouble down the line.)

It's so wonderful and bizarre to me that the men's max security prison is one of the first place that I have felt male acceptable and comaraderie. Most of the other uni students were women, sub-25, and I'm in my thirties and got "he" pronouns the second I walked in the door. (funnily enough we didn't do a pronoun circle at the prison and I didn't bother correcting anyone.) so being read as male meant I got a different regard and comfort from the guys inside than the girls did. I even got the masc hand-clasp/chest bump hug goodbye from a lot of the guys. One of them called me "The brightest guy in the program." I've never been in all male spaces before that weren't queer and it was incredibly heartening to know I'm not doomed to be read as a freak. (they undeniably clocked me as gay but it didn't seem to be an issue.)

And then instead of getting to integrate these feelings, I jumped in the car to a message from a roomie that they've got scabies, which is a "hot wash and dry everything/treat the household" kinda bug. I drove the 80 mins home from the prison and spent the afternoon stripping, washing, spending seventy bucks at the laundramat, going to kmart to replace pillows so I would have something to sleep on whilst I bag up everything that can't be washed for at least 3 days.

And I had to cancel seeing the Lover, and then THEY and their household need to do the same thing, and not for a second did I get to process the morning, or the last three months. I also have an assessment today that I'd planned to spend the arvo doing readings on, not helping the household (I am the only one with a car) wash every bit of bedding and linen etc.

I managed to sit down at about 7pm, absolute wrecked, and with every pillow in my den and couch bagged up and my mattresses all bare, called the Lover and just bawled. I just wanted to be able to be comfy and in their arms and process, and instead I was aching and wretched on a bare mattress having held it together to do all the tasks that needed to be done. I couldn't even look forward to going to sleep because all of my fav pillows were packed away, and I had two cheap shitty ones I'd bought from kmart in a haze.

I managed to get myself showered and coated in the treatment cream. (I'd seen Mama Kink the night before so she needed to treat as well, and brought me over the cream, as well as a couple of little treats, thank fuck.) I remembered that I had a pillow in the garage and a smaller weighted blanket in the hall cupboard, as well as my camp doona. I'd wanted to call the Lover again and talk to them about prison class but I was toddler tired, unable to rationally talk about anything without crying. They offered to be present with my crying, which was sweet. But I called it and went to bed, treating myself to a whole valium (thank fuck I have a spare shakti mat, I always lie on it before sleep.)

I'm on the train this morning to my assessment, where I'll just need to gasbag/do an interview about feminism and queer theory, and hope that my 12 years on tumblr is enough prep to get me through.

I

[commander-diomika]

Couple of days before my birthday gangbang and there is still. So many things to do.

If only I could get bonus marks for the Group Work Facilitation class I did this semester for the amount of planning and prep I am doing for this particular group experience!!