With or Without Lipstick
by Tabitha Fletcher
“Hi, my name is:” In my best penmanship I write “Tabitha,” making sure every I is dotted and T is crossed. On the face of it all I've pretty much always had it together. The American Dream, if you will, the whole package complete with husband, kids, and home (warranty not included). I smile back at people, say my "please" and "thank you," my "yes ma'am" and "yes sir." I appeared to be nothing short of a bubbly positive person, an experienced smile painter. My face said, “Hello, what can I do for you today?” while my heart wrapped in chains begged to be set free.
A little over a decade ago I met my husband. Still young in my ideas and adamant in my opinions of marriage and it's irrelevance to a successful future, the thought of being wooed didn't cross my mind. A blissful union in my experience consisted of someone to argue with and tell you what to do. Been there done that, the past 18 years were flooded with arguments and being told what to do. So, in efforts to get away from the battle and “total unfairness” of being parented, my boxes were packed and hauled off exactly one day after high school graduation. Determination and self-reliance propelled my life route to the fast lane of professionalism, and doing what I wanted, when I wanted to do it.
There must have been a different idea of perfect world in the works. Because I tripped, I fell, a little too fast and way too hard, and my plans scattered like a tray full of dishes from a fallen waitress. Along came a man, a fantastic man with devious good looks, and a mind that went deeper than my meticulously composed smile. A sexy mind in pursuit of truth and life that quickly saw the facade I longed to embody. Thoughts of his genuine spirit, calming nature and a walk that made me blush (so I looked, give a girl a break) staked out residency in my mind. I'm not talking short term missions trip residency, no no, I mean long term lease signing residency that had no plans on leaving. My very being became a whirlwind of resistance and submission.
“Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails” -Proverbs 19:21
As it happened, only one thing about this skip-a-beat, love intrusion needed to change: me. Right then and there I labeled myself “unlovable”. Never once looking within to embrace the gifts and talents I had to offer in life, let alone in relationship. I picked myself apart with an eye for the unlovely. Deciding the only way for this to work had to be a self-renovation to the new and improved lovable. In order to do that, I had to remove the ugly. Stubborn transformed into “go with the flow”, angry into joyfully-calm, selfish into selfless, and faithless into hallelujah.
Now, on paper this would seem to be the part of the story where the correct response would be “Well, good for her . . . she grew up, accepted change and moved on in a joyous hoorah.” In real life, however, it doesn't work that way, it cannot work that way. God yearns for a deep lasting relationship; there are no “quick fixes.” The proper way to deal with the baggage we carry is to dig deep, get to the root and let the true gardener plant something beautiful, a process that takes vulnerability, relationship, and time. Time I didn't have; I couldn't let this Prince Charming run off with a real princess somewhere. So I did the next best thing and painted the roses red.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and, who have been called according to his purpose” -Romans 8:28
The amazing thing about our God is that He didn't miss this. My decisions were not (and are not) an oversight. The heavenly response did not ring as, “She'll never do. Nothing she does turns out right. I guess it's time to go find someone else who won't mess up my plans”. Even though the choices I made pained Him, the Unconditional Lover of my soul, He was never, and will never, be through with me.
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” -Job 42:2
Just as lipstick fades, and eyeliner smears, my Pretty Pretty Princess routine wore off.
The quick fixes headed south. Go-with-the-flow selflessness took the cancerous form of, “Just don't say anything so as to not sound selfish.” My joyful calm transformed into crying myself to sleep wishing I could run away . . . my Hallelujah fell hollow. By now the marriage ran in full swing, two children under the age of 5 and all the responsibilities were right there with them. They were all fooled: husband, kids, family, and friends. I had succeeded. No one knew the real me, including myself.
These were the lies I not only believed but fed daily. This is when God said, “Enough!” My daughter, age three at the time, came and sat in my lap with her Precious Princess Bible. She asked in her sweet, innocent voice, “Mommy will you go to book 24?” So I counted to the 24th book and landed on Jeremiah. “Okay, here we are. What chapter would you like me to read?” “24”, she sang. So I read chapter 24.
“My eyes will watch over them for their own good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.” -Jeremiah 24:6-7
He whispered into my heart, “It's time to return to me.” Looking at my daughter with tears running down my face, I hugged her little body, while feeling my Father hug me.
With Bible study homework due and Lent on its way, I headed to Starbucks for some prayer time, work space, and duh, a coffee fix. I had been in the middle of one of those weekly Bible studies, the kind with workbooks, 5 days of homework and small group accountability. These were the kinds of small group that said they understood when you showed up with no homework done, but then gave you the look when it became your turn to speak. So my only options at this point were either to A: skip the study group or B: do my homework. Skip the group? Yeah, out of the question. I could already taste the homemade dessert and coffee that would be waiting on me the next morning (yes, I said morning dessert; I'll pretend to run a mile later). So there I went off to Starbucks to do three days of homework.
With the beginning of Lent only a couple of days away, I still had no idea what to sincerely give up. The Church and Bible study face was a very well practiced face and it had to be on straight. After reading the scriptures in Jeremiah to my precious daughter, I knew I would not be able to whiz through the pages of Bible study and pick what to “give up” for Lent the same haphazard way I would pick a playing card out of a deck during a magic trick. There would be no giving up of the first bad habit that came to mind as a last resort to prolonging my New Year's resolution. I could feel the stir of a seeking spirit and knew that I needed to approach this prayerfully. The quiet atmosphere surrounded me, holding my warm cup with both hands I let the steam hit my face through every prayer, listening moment and verse read. Praying, “Lord, show me, teach me, make me yours. Show me who I am.” Praying, reading, listening. Praying, reading, listening....
“... I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted and the train of his robe filled the temple.” -Isaiah 6:1b
“... If you do not stand firm in your faith you will not stand at all” -Isaiah 7:9b
“Give me your makeup”... What? I looked around the almost deserted coffee shop to see if anyone else had felt what I felt or heard what I heard. No one stirred. God had spoken, undoubtedly, and He wanted my makeup. “Yes Lord, I will give you my makeup,” weeping with a joy I didn't know existed. Why I thought Jesus was referring to my clearance Revlon, I have no idea, or why an obvious surface fast would have been accompanied with such emotion. Nonetheless, for 40 days I was bare skinned (face only). No rosy cheeks, shadowed eyes or mascara over my alien like blond eyelashes.
The 40 days came and went. The challenges I faced were merely challenges of vanity, not to be dismissed but different than the rebuild of my heart I had expected. The desire for express lane healing makes an appearance again. By the time Easter had arrived, that night at Starbucks captured my thoughts. While my children bounced around looking for eggs and singing about Jesus being raised from the dead, I took the role of Thomas (the disciple who needed proof), and doubted what I had undoubtedly heard. One hour at a time life continues, while daily concerns wash over sacred moments and we forget.
Over two years later my family and I moved out of state and into a completely unfamiliar environment. Excitement and anxiety ran together within me. Culture and newness were calling my name. As our lives quickly started to mingle with others within work and play, I became aware of a life-altering choice. That choice came in the form of a question. With or without lipstick? Emotions and memory spilled like an overflowing latte. My thoughts transported me back to Starbucks, “Give me your makeup," “Yes Lord, I will give you my make-up." With or without lipstick? Translation: Who am I? Would I move forward like always before, with a painted face, projecting lies that neither helped nor healed anyone, or would I stand true to my word and give Him my makeup? These people that were starting to intersect my life had no expectation of me. They had no preconceived notion to haunt my people-pleasing side. It was time to lay the cards out on the table. No more makeup.
“The king is enthralled by your beauty. Honor him, for he is your lord” -Psalms 45:11
In order to permanently take off the makeup it had to be identified. My only hope to identifying the makeup would be to completely submit to the Gardner allowing Him to locate me in the mess, to make for me a crown of beauty instead of ashes. This is what the Great Redeemer had been preparing all along. Beer Lahai Roi means the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13-14). He sees me, while teaching me exactly who I am.
“For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” -Ephesians 2:10
“I am the vine and you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:5
“You did not choose me but I choose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command love one another.” - John 15:16
I am a daughter of the most high King, a true Princess. He has instructed me to go and bear fruit, in my bare skin (again, face only). He knows more about me than I could ever hide or pretend away. He longs for my heart to be a reflection of his.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you are wonderful I know that full well”
“Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God! How vast is the sum of them.” -Psalms 139:13-14, 16-17
This journey of mine continues. In fact, taking off my makeup has proved to be a daily picking up of who I am designed to be, along with discerning where I store my makeup and when I am most tempted to apply. I don't succeed every day, but I will not be discouraged. Through Christ all things are possible. So I push forward, with grace by my side, holding firm onto the of truth of His word, and promise over my life.
“As water reflects the face, so a man's heart reflects the man.” -Proverbs 27:19
I pray you feel your journey not finished either. From 1 to 299 our steps are mapped out in the most perfect weaving technique of one another. May this day find you at peace, without makeup, being the beautiful you, holding the hand of the Unconditional Lover of your soul.
“Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name and you are mine” - Isaiah 43:1b